AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

I also wonder if Headway can give you some advice/support on parenting a teenager when you have a head injury, or a recommendation of a book to read?
It is normal to be quicker to tears after a head injury.

The poster above who thought you should contact Headway and get them to explain to your DS what brain injury is and how it manifests had a good suggestion. Then you can have a chat about how you are disabled, and that your speech is affected, and whilst he might find that embarrassing, it is not something you can help whatsover. Yes, teens are embarrassed by their parents, but in light of the circumstances, I can well understand why the remark made you cry. But if you can keep communication open and accept DS for how HE IS, not looking for signs he will turn into your ex, you’ll be OK.

If it is any comfort, as he gets older, your DS will twig what happened, and he will draw his own conclusions, and I seriously doubt he’s going to condone what your ex did. In fact, the effect is you will raise a very empathetic and decent young man who understands how actions can affect others.

I also hope you are getting some therapy for the trauma you went through so thngs can be emotionally easier for you. All best wishes to you and your DS.

It's more than "a bit odd" it's totally inexplicable! I would expect him to feel hatred and fear towards his father. No wonder it upsets the OP. Talk about unfair!

It’s a bit odd that he witness his dad attack you (severely enough to give you brain damage) but he thinks his dad is just great. I mean I know he’s only a child but there is a part of you that thinks really??

This is terrible advice.
Expressing his feelings or having them validated should not be the most important thing here - the OP's ds learning to express himself kindly and with empathy are.

I get it’s triggering.
However you have now entered the teen zone and you need to develop a very thick skin. I have 3 teens and have cried more times that I remember - esp in the early days. My lovely daughter turned so so mean and horrible to me. The way I breathed, walked and looked was so embarrassing she could barely stand to walk next to me at one point and was cringing out of her skin.
Mean things said on many occasions. Been spoken to in ways that no one has ever spoken to me.
However on the other side they can all be lovely and I know they don’t want to hurt me really. They just speak without thinking and are trying so so desperately to fit in to the world and be independent that they cringe next to me often.
Develop a thick skin whilst talking to your son about the right way and wrong way to speak to people and let him know that you are really hurt.
Repeat. Repeat repeat until they are 21.

Remind him that you'll be there when someone is embarrassed by him or his behaviour!! Then he may just understand how it feels!!

Teenagers will project their insecurity’s on you all day long 🤷‍♀️You can’t let it get to you.

I think some people are being unnecessarily unkind.

I don't agree with your assessment that your ds was being cruel, he merely expressed his feelings and whilst I don't think you were deliberately manipulative I don't think you handled it in the right way. However unintentional, you dismissed his feelings as unimportant and made the situation about you.

The problem is, it has been done and the sad outcome is that he will think twice before being open with you again.

I absolutely get that you are worried about him becoming his father, but your behaviour may well be steering him in that way. You are "proving" what your ex has accused you of in how you have behaved in this situation. Whether you meant to or not is irrelevant now. Posters here have the perspective that it was manipulative and that will be your ex's view if ds tells him.

You need to find a better way to communicate with him. The better way to have handled it would have been to have acknowledged his comment and asked him to talk to you kindly, when he had some examples, even if it is at the time it is happening so that you can understand what you are doing and work on ways to change if needed.

All teenagers think their parent is the most embarrassing person to have ever walked the earth.

But I can understand why you are upset. My DS is a toddler, I know some day I will be told these things and it will hurt. But your most more than likely does not mean it. And I would certainly think it does not mean he loves you less.

It is pretty normal for young teens to find their parents embarrassing.
It's also entirely understandable that you are very worried whenever your ds shows signs of developing character traits similar to his father when you have borne the brunt of that and your child even saw it happen.
So those two things together are likely to be a bit of a perfect storm.
All you can do is keep on correcting, by gentle nudges rather than anything dramatic. Explain to him that his father has character weaknesses - I have never shielded my own son (22) from the truth about his father, although I have been gentle about it. He is old enough to make his own conclusions now and makes the right ones, as yours probably will too one day. I think you should never be so blunt as to alienate your teen, but be persistent and demonstrably correct/measured in your choice of words and responses. Don't overreact but be gentle with yourself too as it sounds like you went through a lot with the ex.

The majority of teens find their parents embarrassing and a lot of the time it’s for silly unjustified reasons.

I remember being embarrassed of my mum coming into school because of the trainers she wore which now looking back was so small and insignificant and there was actually nothing wrong with her trainers!

@Sunnyandsilly crying is not a manipulative "technique"! and it's very misogynistic to say so. Maybe get some therapy to understand how to express your feelings rather than thinking people can randomly turn tears on and off! Hate it when I see this on here.

No, kids are not manipulating you by crying, they are just upset and it's your job to help them through it! And no, a woman is not manipulating anyone by crying - she is just having a valid physical response to being hurt!

All children are primed to think their parents are great- After all they are half that person.

Remember your son is also half YOU, He has his own personality, too so hopefully won’t be like his Dad.

Boys don’t really like it when their mums cry-
They aren’t always sympathetic- Being a lone parent to a teen boy can be hard!

Good grief. At least read the OP's updates.

If you already have and yet still posted that, you should be ashamed.

Regarding Xmas and birthday presents, have you tried asking him what he wants?

I do find it really odd that you are so upset to the point you've cried in your bedroom, at a teenager calling you embarrassing.

Aren't all parents embarrassing for their teenagers? Why are you taking it so personally?

You sound a bit emotionally unstable.

Her son witnessed the assault 4 years ago which resulted in his mother's brain injury, yet he "thinks his dad is the bees knees". I just can't fathom that at all and am not surprised the OP is hurt and angry. Of course she is!

@TheQuickCat My son said I was really embarrassing at about the same age.

My Dad was also completely embarrassing!

It’s a phase they go through- Don’t worry about it!

When my children became teenagers I decided to never again buy surprise gifts and basically ask them what they would like within a certain budget. It worked & there were no disappointing reactions. They would usually pick a few things then left me & DH to decide what to buy so there was still an element of surprise.

Or get a solicitor to do so.

YANBU to be upset and tbh it doesn't have to be the norm that teenagers are embarrassed by their parents. It's not unusual maybe but he still needs to act with respect and kindness to everyone - including and especially his mother, and I'd have sharp words with him about empathy and kindness.

Precisely this. My youngest (now 16yo) has never been embarrassed by me. He's pretty much the only teenager I ever met who suffers from zero angst. The rest are normal.

The police can and should prosecute this man for assault causing grievous bodily harm whether the victim wants to "press charges" or not. They probably still can. If I were the OP I'd approach the police about this.

I'm so sorry for what you went through with your ex.

If your son was referring to your disability then that is wrong of him. It is likely he is referring to the fact that you are his parent which automatically makes you cringe to a teenager.

I remember being embarrassed of my mum dropping me off to a club when I was about 12. I called her embarrassing and when I got home my dad pointed out that it wasn't very kind to do that and she was only trying to be nice. I apologised, we had a hug. I don't think showing you are upset is manipulative. It's important for teenagers to understand their parents are human beings who have emotions.