Why do I get nervous around managers?

Sorry I’m not the OP but you’ve literally just summed my life and career up to a T! I’m fairly new to line management and am far too ‘nice’ to my staff and struggle to not be seen as a pushover. I’m working on it but it’s challenging!

Oh golly, I am the same style of manager for similar reasons. My parents meant well but always undermined my confidence and I think it stems from that!

I do get tough when I need to but I think I make myself too available and accessible, prioritising others over my own needs!

I wonder if this is an education/school thing. I had these exact feelings and they pretty much went away once I left teaching and got a “normal” 9-5. There sometimes felt like an underlying tone of threat that kept you in a state of stress (Ofsted/inspections/spot checks/learning walks/observed lessons).

I'm like this too, op, and definitely have always felt very strange about it and questioned why others don't seem to be like this. I have very strong imposter syndrome, too. The weird thing with me is that I had a very nurturing childhood. My parents told me I was capable of anything, they actively encouraged me and my sisters to voice our opinions. There were clear boundaries, of course, but I wouldn't describe my parents as authoritarian.

I am constantly self conscious, constantly self critical. I replay incidents, conversations etc in my head and berate myself for not dealing with them better, differently. I over-analyse and don't cope well with making mistakes.

I'm really proud of your ds for that! I wish I'd been more confident at his age and beyond

I echo this. This is me as well!!

@JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth Recently my teenage son had an issue at school and when he went to the front office the headteacher was there manning the desk for whatever reason. DS unflinchingly approached the head and explained what the issue was and got it sorted. I love that his generation are more confident around authority figures, I'd have been a quivering wreck at his age in that situation having been surrounded with authoritarian adults where a walloping was the likely outcome of an interaction where you hadn't been perfect.

I’m the same and I am a manager!

Bit of imposter syndrome and feeling I’m not as good as others.

I like to think I am an approachable manager and given the amount of team members who wander in to my office to talk to me, they don’t have the same issues I do🤣

Mine definitely stems from childhood, I’m
much better than I used to be but still get moments of feeling nervous around senior managers.

I have this too. Mine has gotten better as I’ve gotten older but I still have an element of wariness when talking to managers. I’m not sure why I have this issue , I am a bit shy but would chat away to other colleagues. I have read that feeling like this about people in authority is a mild form of social anxiety.

Same here and despot Dad who ruled us like an army sergeant! It is getting better the older I get but it has been painful over the years.

Oh god I'm the same! I'm 37 and turn into a little baby whenever there is anyone in authority around me! I hate it! Even my kids head teacher I feel all nervous around 😂 my mum is the same so I expect I've just copied her. I try and be very outgoing with people when my kids are around so the cycle doesn't continue but it's so tiring . I have got a bit better with age as I now realise these are just people too I try. Someone once said just imagine them having a poo and you will feel a bit less scared 😂 it works

This is me too OP. I'm a teacher too and my Dad was very critical and authoritative.

I don't think this is strange at all. Those of us who had strict childhoods- "don't speak unless spoken to" type childhoods - were not given the confidence to speak to those in authority. But also we can over compensate at work. This has been me all my life. I now work with very senior people, basically ministerial level. I've had to get over my fear of senior people by staying polite and respectful, doing my best at work, but also being myself by always having a laugh with them

Just to add, being on supply probably makes this more difficult. You can feel like you’re being watched and scrutinised more than you normally would where management already knows you and you have an established reputation. You’re doing a good job but every day feels like an interview.

I used to be like this, it's gotten a lot better after I was able to recognise where it came from. Part of my job involves addressing power imbalances and also as a parent I teach my children to treat everyone with the same level of respect and that people in authority aren't always right and sometimes need to be respectfully challenged. I needed to be practicing what I preached. I'm sure there are some managers who wouldn't take well to being challenged but I've been lucky that I have been able to challenge management and it has been taken well and helped my confidence grow around them.

You get consistent great feedback from the schools and agency so I suspect much of this is good old imposter syndrome !

You say you analyse your conversations and then worry about what you said - don’t ! Turn it around - you must be saying the right things in view of the feedback you get.

We all have the occasional “wish I had said / hadn’t said “ but try not to over think it. If you are going to have a scheduled one to one I always found it helpful to jot down the points I wanted to make and take my note book with me, that way i didn’t forget to mention something and then kick myself later.

I know because of history your natural tendency might be to be over think and be concerned whether what you said was good enough but remember to tell yourself actually you are doing great because of all that good feedback you get and the schools want you back, trust me if they had concerns about your conversations and communications they wouldn’t and remember to tell yourself many managers are just as nervous talking to their team members and don’t always know what to say - not everyone was born to be a manager and suffers the same insecurities ( they sometimes but not always ) are just better at hiding it.

Hey op, I thought I was the only one who suffered from this. I’m strangely okay with female managers as long as they present as ‘down to earth’. Male, authoritarian-types have me stuttering, stammering and going red. I think I can trace it back to my father who was authoritarian and told me to ‘speak properly’ in a snappy tone when I spoke with the local dialect. Now, as a result, I worry that I sound common to these managers, despite people telling me they cannot even tell I have an accent.

I used to avoid taking to any male managers. I now try and force myself to interact, even though it’s really scary, to try and desensitise myself.

I thought this was quite normal but I’m realising most people don’t feel this way.
OP the fact you’re so conscientious and do a good job probably means you’re very self-aware and self-critical, even unnecessarily so. People who don’t care won’t feel nervous around management.

This. Plus, I think it's the job. We are held SO accountable and there are always book looks, learning walks, pupil progress meetings, lesson observations, practice deep dives... it's an environment where you are constantly looking for what can be improved (aka what's not good enough) and it does eat away at you. And the nature of the job is that we care, and want to do the best for our children. It all feels very personal.

Growing up with authoritive parents can do this! Parents who teach you that they are above you and in control and that they need to be respected and obeyed without question instill this lifelong anxiety around people in power.

I thought this was quite normal but I’m realising most people don’t feel this way.
OP the fact you’re so conscientious and do a good job probably means you’re very self-aware and self-critical, even unnecessarily so. People who don’t care won’t feel nervous around management.

🙋‍♀️ Me. I don't know what is wrong with me as I know I'm competent but have a real case of imposter syndrome and would love to know why. I have felt like this since having children

It was not clear, hence my post and FYI, I am not being "silly."!!

However, I will accept your explanation at face value as I'm not here to fall out with posters/people - therefore, enjoy whats left of your weekend before you are back at work

I get this too and I work in education. I struggle with being observed because I'm so self conscious of how I come across. I often wonder how they think I'm competent when I feel like I bumble through my day. I was really shy when I was young and absolutely terrified of people in charge so I definitely think that's something to do with it. There's also an element where I don't trust my own level of competence. I'm quite academic but not very practical so whenever I have to do anything practical I feel quite anxious.

Don't be silly, @DistinguishedSocialCommentator -- it was quite clearly a joke, and the OP has clarified that she's an exemplary employee who has nothing to fear from workplace authority figures. Is any poster who is a persistent thief/absentee likely to come on here and say she doesn't understand why she's so nervous of managers?

OP, what were your authority figures like in childhood? Are you expecting the good feedback facade to drop away and reveal something far more critical and undermining?