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Original poster

To think this is largely true in my experience, mothers experience of raising a ND child

136 replies

GiganticArkReadywithHottub · 09/06/2024 07:10

I have a brilliant ND child, who has both autistic and ADHD traits although not formally diagnosed yet. School recommend both assessments. I am also a single parent.
I'm have been researching the topic of mental health of mothers with neurodiverse children. One thing really stuck out for me from reading all these studies, which I guess I knew but didn't think it has been researched enough, which is that
1.) mums largely do take on the majority of duties relating to raising a neurodiverse child, meaning their career will often stall or even cease. The allocation of time for looking after their own well-being is often limited or non existent. This appears to be way more profound compared to parents of NT children.
2.) relationships massively suffer, marriages much more likely to split up.
3.) there is a much higher likelihood of parents of autistic children, in comparison to other families with two parents, having a much more 'traditional' set up with men being the breadwinners and women doing the majority of the parenting and domestic work. This of course could lead to power imbalance and vulnerability to financial abuse or hardship.

I know a lot of this is true for most mothers but it seems particularly pronounced for mothers of neurodiverse children. I was thinking about it and I do think the part about family structures fit with people I know who have autistic children' most are either two parents with the man as main breadwinner, mum usually unable to work due to partial or limited school attendance or not having access to appropriate wrap around care or holiday clubs, or single mums unable to work or being limited by the hours or type of work they can do.

This is obviously very 'no shit, Sherlock' but what is anyone actually doing about it? We can see the impact on women and the their wellbeing, so why is there not mite help in place. Many women are being forced to drop out of the workplace. They are statistically lower in mood than other parents? Why does no one care?

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/06/2024 07:34

I think this is true for children with additional needs due to ASD and/or ADHD, and for children with all other additional needs (physical disabilities, chronic illness, eating disorders, learning disabilities, anxiety etc). When a child needs more support and the usual childcare options aren't suitable, the mother is more likely to give up work, usually because she earns less.

Monstermunch2 · 09/06/2024 07:33

GiganticArkReadywithHottub · 09/06/2024 07:10

I have a brilliant ND child, who has both autistic and ADHD traits although not formally diagnosed yet. School recommend both assessments. I am also a single parent.
I'm have been researching the topic of mental health of mothers with neurodiverse children. One thing really stuck out for me from reading all these studies, which I guess I knew but didn't think it has been researched enough, which is that
1.) mums largely do take on the majority of duties relating to raising a neurodiverse child, meaning their career will often stall or even cease. The allocation of time for looking after their own well-being is often limited or non existent. This appears to be way more profound compared to parents of NT children.
2.) relationships massively suffer, marriages much more likely to split up.
3.) there is a much higher likelihood of parents of autistic children, in comparison to other families with two parents, having a much more 'traditional' set up with men being the breadwinners and women doing the majority of the parenting and domestic work. This of course could lead to power imbalance and vulnerability to financial abuse or hardship.

I know a lot of this is true for most mothers but it seems particularly pronounced for mothers of neurodiverse children. I was thinking about it and I do think the part about family structures fit with people I know who have autistic children' most are either two parents with the man as main breadwinner, mum usually unable to work due to partial or limited school attendance or not having access to appropriate wrap around care or holiday clubs, or single mums unable to work or being limited by the hours or type of work they can do.

This is obviously very 'no shit, Sherlock' but what is anyone actually doing about it? We can see the impact on women and the their wellbeing, so why is there not mite help in place. Many women are being forced to drop out of the workplace. They are statistically lower in mood than other parents? Why does no one care?

Yes describes our family set up
I had 3 under 3 so I could get back to my job that I loved
Middle child diagnosed autistic age 3 ,smearing , violent
No childcare settings would take him
Guess who didn't go back to work
He's 25 now and I still can't work because he cant be left alone with his teenage sibling( who also is autistic and not in education setting away from home )..he will never leave home ,he's to vulnerable
Husband carried on ,his life didn't change
I now get housekeeping rather than a wage
No pension for me ,just more of the same ,stuck at home with 2 autistic sons

Overthebow · 09/06/2024 07:30

what help and policy changes do you envision? Help from who? Surely it’s down to the individual families to decide who gives up work or goes part time, and who focuses on their career? The man could give up work instead.

Original poster
GiganticArkReadywithHottub · 09/06/2024 07:29

@YellowTassels yes, I think I'd be entitled to about 400 a month DLA and then whatever UC would give me, it's nothing compared to a full time salary.
What a waste of all of our potential though?

OP posts:
YellowTassels · 09/06/2024 07:27

I’ve worked my way up my career for the last 13 yrs and I’ve just handed in my notice. I cannot have my career and be a parent carer anymore.
multiple societal systems need to change in order for it to change. On a wider note, as an example, look at the qualifying criteria to receive carers allowance and then what you get for caring, it’s abysmal

Original poster
GiganticArkReadywithHottub · 09/06/2024 07:26

@PTSDBarbiegirl but there is significant differences in raising ND children, the differences in gender roles specifically. It would seem that this topic does need more consideration, policy change, media attention etc.

OP posts:
TheCatsAreHungry · 09/06/2024 07:24

Yes this has definitely been my experience. My son has multiple diagnoses including Autism, ADHD and some physical stuff. Although I have managed to retain my very part time NHS role, I am aware that I am very unlikely to progress any further due to my role as a parent carer. I had an excellent career prior to having a child with disabilities. But no one gives a shit, it is what it is and in my experience there is no support. People love to tell me that I need a break, they don't know how I do it etc. No fucking choice love.

Berga · 09/06/2024 07:24

I have an autistic child who is just about to become an adult and I am a single parent. Its just been the two of us. I do still have a career, but I wholeheartedly believe that it was COVID and being at home that got us through 2020 to today. Hitting 13/14 at secondary school was when everything started to really ramp up in terms of my teenagers MH, needs and school refusal. If I had not then been able to work at home since, I don't think I would have retained my career and if school hadn't stopped during COVID then those couple of years would have been so much harder.

This year I also found out that I am neurodivergent. It's making me take stock of a lot of things and I am absolutely burnt out and exhausted from all of this having taken on the majority of parenting as you say. Although both being ND, on reflection, has meant our homelife has been pretty ND friendly.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 09/06/2024 07:21

Unfortunately as you mention, this is the case in general terms for most mothers of all children. Just far more pronounced in ND families re the level of needs as it is in families of disabled children or chronically ill children. For some women it may be through choice for others it's Patriarchal. Joining a local group for similar families could be a source of support.

Original poster
GiganticArkReadywithHottub · 09/06/2024 07:19

@WannaBeGardener I think if your marriage is solid and happy then it's not as bad but I imagine if it was abusive or unhappy it would be ten times harder to leave with a child with additional needs. Especially the changes to their routine, sense of safety, way of life, any activities or schooling. Just a nightmare really

OP posts:
WannaBeGardener · 09/06/2024 07:15

This absolutely, completely and fully describes my household. My children are a lot older now though, so it is easier to find activities that bring us all joy at the same time. My career is shot to pieces though.