To think this is largely true in my experience, mothers experience of raising a ND child

Because most men are completely indifferent about having children and just ‘go along with it’ to make their partner happy/stop the nagging/ultimatums. Thus, when it comes down to it……’you wanted kids, you deal with it’…..becomes their mentality. Even if they don’t necessarily say those specific words, that’s what they’re thinking. Even the ones who claim they want kids are usually meaning ‘I want kids but I want you to deal with them and I’ll just dip in and out when I fancy it’. The sooner women realise this the better imo.

I cannot find suitable childcare for my children anywhere it's all advertised as sen friendly but when you look into it its just higher functioning children that cope in mainstream. No wrap around at all at my daughters specialist school where the setting and staffing is already appropriate to the needs of children like mine. My daughter will never be independent so I can't even wait until she ages out of school to work and try to give us any kind of future or security. People that don't have to live in our shoes think that all the support and money is flung at us and literally have no idea that it's all fake and no access unless your child only has milder disabilities

Well I'm a lone parent to 4 children 2 autistic, their father doesn't have any contact at all with them 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely. Husband works 6 days a week. I have had to remain part time. I can only do that because my parents help us a lot. I can't consider progressing or promotion because I'm needed at home. My pension is affected. We can't swap, because DH is not who our DS seeks out for comfort. I love my DS, and his sister dearly, but I'm watching other less capable people being promoted around me and it's sometimes soul destroying.

it can be cost or availability. For my child there is just no suitable childcare. He’s in special school in a class of 4 but doesn’t have a learning difficulty. The Sen holiday schemes as well as being expensive (ones near us are £150 a day for 9 to 3) are for all types of Sen and the activities aren’t the things he wants to do. The mainstream schemes especially sports ones he’d love but he can’t cope with plus he’s 14 now so they don’t run mainstream schemes for that age anyway. His special school is running a holiday scheme for a week this year which would be great as I’d imagine it’s the same TA’s as from the school but typically it’s the week we’ve booked to go away.

as regards before and after school, often the schools are a distance, my sons school is over 10 miles away for example. Transport can be provided by the local authority but it is not flexible at all and will only drop at home, so wouldn’t drop to an outside Sen after school club for example. We’ve only got the one child so manage pick up and drop off around working by early starts and late finishes

Ditto

I mean grandparents when I say GP not our GP lol

I was an unpaid carer for 19 years. DS1 is autistic and DS2 wasn't diagnosed but I'm sure there are many traits there.
We had no support from GP or other family so we've (I've) done virtually all of it alone.
I've now got a full time job but I've had to go in at entry level with crap money, when DH was able to further his career and has a good pension. All I've got is state pension which I need to make up another 8 years for.
If DH ever leaves me then I would be screwed. I feel really stupid for not thinking of this sooner.

I want to go a bit flexible after I've got myself established in this job. That will also kill any career aspirations but I can't manage the 9-5 being a carer even to an essentially grown up and more independent DC.

I literally got fired from my job working with children with disabilities as in their words 'I'm unable to balance my work and my home life' meaning I had too many appointments they were fully aware I had children with disabilities even working in the disabled community I wasn't given the support needed from my employer.

For mid range asd struggles and learning difficulties you'll be eligible for £100 a week in dla and if you're not earning over the threshold then also carers allowance.
If the child has lower needs you may only get lower rate, but if it's significant enough that you can't use childcare to work it's very easy to get dla approved.
If your child has an ehcp then apply before diagnosis as they will use the ehcp as evidence of needs.
If not you can still apply but may only get lower rate and will need someone who knows the child to fill out the "person who knows the child" section as evidence.

Is your barrier to that the cost?

(I'm not being snarky, I’m just interested)

In answer to previous PPs, I think it’s Mothers because on average we care more. And because we have fewer options than men - because we care more (eg options of walking away, not coping, ignoring or playing it down, not seeking out and using SEN child-friendly strategies, not fighting for medical and educational support).

Not saying men don’t do this, but on average, fathers are much more likely to use one of those options than mothers.

How you define “care” is of course up for discussion. Related to the words “cope”, “invest”, “compassion” perhaps. Agree this is a hugely feminist issue and I’d love to see proper scientific research on it to inform public policy.

DH asked me recently what would have happened to DS if either of us had had to parent him alone. He was basically saying DS may not have been diagnosed and could have ended up with few or no exam results if he'd had to parent alone. He's have had no clue how to navigate things. (DH doesn't read anything anyway, no idea why as he's quite academic)I said if I'd had to parent alone I wouldn't have been able to work at all (I work part time because wrap around care was never going to work) and I would probably have given up trying to get DS to school and home educated (badly) he'd have received a diagnosis but we'd have struggled financially ans life would have been miserable.

It's true, you do need to keep school hours free. I can only do 24 hr weeks around my husband's full time. So hes there when I'm at work and I'm there for the day time stuff.

I'd go doolaly being at home all the time. Hats off to those who do.

Hmm… I manage most of the paperwork/ hospital appointments etc, but everything else is completely the opposite in our household. Looks like we are the minority!

The biggest thing in turning around our whole household and my ND 6 year old violent outbursts/meltdowns school refusal. Was that my husband finally got it. Finally learnt the skills it takes to do what most women have inherently learnt because society expects it from us.

Suddenly we are all on the same page and all my children feel more supported and understood. Routines are respected as both parents are on board with what's best for the children. My husband found a flexible job and puts in boundaries so family life is protected. Before he would of told me this wasn't possible.

This absolutely is a feminist issue.

We still have the issue of childcare no wraparound care and the small holiday care we have is 9 till 3 or some 9 till 1. My child would not cope going more than once or twice in the holidays. No family help either so we both need flexible jobs or as my husband is the higher earner I scale back/self employed. I would love to have a more involved career/earn more but the logistics and the need to have flexibility from the start make it so hard. Typically once youve been in a career for years and "earned your stripes"you're offered flexibility. I find its a hard situation to transition out of yet if I had a career before children I'd potentially find it easier to get back into. Or no as I've still have a large gap out of work.

It makes me very angry the years I've struggled with what felt like essentially my husband not believing me or understanding the importance of it. The research the parenting methods the sacrifice. It angers me that lots more women are still in this situation. On the whole it's an entitlement issue with men and its skills they haven't learn because they aren't Typically required to in society. Most are absolutely capable though. But it's easier isn't it to let someone else do all the hardwork. Easier to think it's unnecessary that women struggle more because they are "sensitive"

The all female SEN team think my husband is wonderful for how much information/understanding and willingness he shows.
Major eyeroll. Yet women are still seen as asking for too much irrational/emotional. Ergh.

There's an interesting blog on the issue of fathers here:

theadditionalneedsblogfather.com/2019/01/17/where-are-all-the-dads-of-children-with-special-needs/

My personal experience was that he coped by withdrawing (which seems to be a common pattern) until he couldn't cope and then he hit one of them.

At which point our family fell apart because I couldn't allow that to happen again.

I suspect that fathers reacting badly to meltdowns/tantrums/violent behaviour are a big precipitating factor in family breakdown.

Sounds about right. Although we have 5 ND children so dh's career also went but it was 8 years after mine did. He works freelance, earning a lot less than he did before, while also taking on most of the care for DS1 and doing some voluntary work because he can just drop that when needed. He also does the driving because I can't and the Tesco shop. I'm a sahm and do the admin for everyone and the care for the other dc.

I'm the main breadwinner. My dc's father is no longer in the picture since he lost his shit and hit our 7yo during a meltdown - SS stepped in and I stopped contact. My partner now (we're both women) has taken on a lot of the household running tasks since she retrained into a career that enables her to work on a self employed basis. I have a remote contract and my colleagues are in North American timezones, so I have a lot of flexibility baked into my day to day too. We share the workload as much as possible.

My 7yo needs me the most, though. He is on a reduced timetable, just got an EHCP. There are times when I don't know if he'll make it through his short days. He's very bright, but he can't cope in school. I was in school recently for a meeting (again, only possible because I wfh and all my colleagues are asleep at 10am so no work meetings) and he was in the hall, starting on a full scale meltdown. I was able to step in and calm him almost immediately, and he managed to stay in school the rest of the day. If I hadn't been there, I'm certain he would have been suspended for violence again.

I have to work. I out earn my partner as well as my dc's father. There's no choice. But it means I am stretched very, very thin, with no end in sight - there is no support for families with violent children. I'm grateful for the amount of flexibility I have with my job right now, but there are no guarantees in life. Our family circumstances could be upended with no warning - it happened already, earlier this year, and we're just about back on an even keel again. I don't believe it will last.

(Again, please note I have a personal position on this and this post isn't it)

The current system is that if you have a disabled child there are these benefits:

DLA (for children under 16).

PIP (if the child is over 16)

These are both non-contributory benefits ie you get them based on need not income or whether you have worked in the past.

In theory you have access to childcare from 3 and again in theory you have access to state education from 5.

Councils are supposed to offer respite etc but a lot of that got changed in the move to direct payments where the disabled person holds their own budget.

It is illegal for schools to exclude someone because of their disability and so in theory parents of disabled children are on a level playing field as nobody has a legal right to wrap around care or holiday care so parents of both disabled and non disabled children get state education,

In practice....

@GiganticArkReadywithHottub your question on why mothers is something that has always bothered me. I really would love to see some decent research into it as I do wonder if as a society our mindset isn't as equality based as we think.

I have only seen one father swap as main carer as the child sadly physical reactions were getting dangerous for their mother.