Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

@Pollipops1 of course they do, but I don't attack them personally out of nowhere in the middle of an unrelated conversation. We have sometimes discussed this in the context of a book or a news event. But not like " Hey Abigail, please acknowledge your white privilege before the BBQ". Also privilege is never entirely simple. I have more privilege than some white working class people who had terrible toxic parents.

I never discuss my own financial affairs with anyone myself. Nobody would know if I had several properties ( I don't). That might be the takeaway to avoid envy.

And if she didn’t mention this, people would no doubt accuse her of concealing it. In situations like this people can’t win.

@Lentilweaver So none of your whites friends recognise there is white privilege?

I have a friend who often mentions her mil paid for this and her dad gave her x amount of money. Me and other friend are single parents BUT we are very aware we earn above average wage and are OK, unlike many single parents. We roll our eyes and mutter she doesn't live in the real world.

I think she's insecure tbh. Most privileged people are out of touch I'm afraid!

I wouldn't end a friendship in this scenario, unless he was being braggy.

Anyways this to me is the best post on the thread and an important reminder to all.

I am brown with a funny foreign name which has held me back in the workplace to an extent. I don't think I would have any white friends if I kept wanting them to " acknowledge their privilege". So unnecessary and often very reductive.

Meanwhile, I have a lot of privilege over a Palestinian refugee. But in conversation, I don't expect to be attacked about this.

Small thing but people are assuming this chap works a job and draws a salary when the OP could read that the £200k annually is income from renting his properties, interest on savings, other types of “private income” - investments etc.

Slightly beside the wider point of this discussion but would be good to clarify.

He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year

I'm not quite sure how tax works in the UK as I'm South African, but surely he is paying his share in taxes, rates etc? Yes it is unfair that there are such huge disparities in wealth, but I would blame that on government policies etc, not individuals who happen to be where they are as an accident of birth.

He's just human, and yes, being blind to one's privilege can be annoying but it's not some huge moral sin. I have friends who are much more well off than I am, but I don't begrudge them that, as the most important thing is that they treat me and everyone else equally, with kindness and respect.

It's the snobs, greedy unscrupulous corporates, politicians etc we should be angry with, not our own friends who didnt choose the circumstances of their birth.

Cutting people off, and going no contact are part of cancel culture but you lose a lot when you remove people from your life. Feeling uncomfortable and challenged helps us refine our thinking and grow as people. Friendship is supposed to have some friction. You can go online and easily find a community of people to share your views on just about anything. But real life relationships shouldn’t be based on homogeneity.

Think when people use the word ‘privilege’ in such a pejorative way, they shouldn’t be surprised when people get a bit pissy with them. Being wealthy, or having any other perceived privilege doesn’t make them better than those without - but it also doesn’t make them worse and this guy is rightly affronted at being treated like a pariah. For all you know he donates insignificant amounts to charity and volunteers in the community but simply doesn’t run everyone’s nose in it.

This guy, despite the financial wealth of his family and the fact that it sounds as though he could have chosen never to work a day in his life, clearly works hard if he’s earning 200k pa - and YES I know that teachers/nurses etc also work hard for less money but it doesn’t negate that he earns it. Instead of celebrating success, of encouraging people to aspire to do well, we’ve become a mean-spirited nation that beats people over the head if they dare to want a bigger home, a nicer car or even to ship in effing Waitrose. And don’t get me started on individual choices to spend money on their children’s education…

This bloke should just dump OP and her mate.

Is he a nice friend otherwise?

I have an ex friend who kept banging on about my privilege. My privilege, as she saw it, was that I was married and had a dual income. We were both in the same profession, but she was single and didn't want to be. Every sentence began with " But you have a husband to help you pay for X and Y'. Yes, I did but was I supposed to divorce to make her feel better?

It got immensely tedious and I felt constantly attacked. Your friend probably feels the same way.

Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income. Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

So up until this conversation, I’m assuming you considered him to be a decent person? He’s never expressed a belief that he’s superior because he has more money than anyone else? He’s never suggested that there is no excuse for poverty because he managed to get a good job? He’s never tried to make anyone feel inferior? He just said something a bit daft and instead of rolling your eyes and laughing, you want to cut him out of your life?

I don’t care about how much he has as long as he knows he’s privileged That’s a very odd condition to put on your friendship. What does it matter if he doesn’t realise how privileged he is, if he’s not banging on about money all the time? What’s your own financial situation? (I don’t actually want to know, I just want you to reflect on it for a minute). Do you have a mortgage? Do you go on holiday every year? Can you go out for a meal without having to save for it? Do you express your own sense of privilege to your friends who have less than you do? How many friends do you even have that are single parents, living on universal credit in a council house, I wonder? Do you pop round for a cup of tea and talk about how privileged you are to have your nice house in a nice area with good schools? No? Why not? If any of them start haranguing you about only having a better income than them because your parents helped you to go to university, would you feel ashamed of your privilege? Or feel a bit put out because you’d put some hard work in there too?

End the friendship if you want to, but I don’t think he’ll have lost out on much. You don’t sound like a very nice friend.

Personally, I really like to have friends who are different from me. We can learn from our friends, not just create our own echo chambers. I think it’s helpful to know that people we disagree with aren’t monsters from another planet, but ordinary, kind, funny, intelligent people with a different perspective.

Where you have a group of people, differences between their circumstances are often difficult to negotiate. I’ve always assumed this is partly why some better off people often seem to find it hard to acknowledge the role that inherited wealth or class advantage has played in their financial position.

But it’s a personal journey of understanding, and attempting to force someone to get someone to see things as you do will be unproductive and experienced as an attack. Your friend could well be feeling very hurt or angry by now.

As to the AIBU, it comes down to whether you can tolerate a difference of opinion and circumstances between you and your friend. I would not end a friendship over this unless he was utterly, repeatedly insensitive about his relative wealth and criticised people who are less well off e.g ‘ for not working hard enough’.

The thread is titled unaware of privilege so I’ve taken that to assume he said something to indicate that but maybe my comprehension is off.

He’s blind if he thinks he’s not privileged.

He probably does work hard though if he’s on that amount of money.

If he was bringing up conversations where he was saying if only people worked harder they could have what he had then I would agree that he is a twat and I would stop contact. That's not what happened though was it? I wouldn't be surprised if he drops the friendship now and I wouldn't blame him.

Up to you.
If you like them apart from the flaw carry on the friendship..
People everywhere can't spot their privilege.

Your friendship group shouldn’t have made the discussion personal by assuming that his life was fair game in a discussion about politics.

Politics is generally a pretty divisive subject which as I said is likely what lead to the discussion which lead to the comment but you can disagree.

People get defensive when others attack them.
He knows he is well off but he doesn't want people noses reminding him, he is having his life with his ups, downs and although money is not a struggle, he has other struggles.
The ones who pointed something obvious are the unreasonable ones.
Please, end the friendship he will be better without people like you around.

I think Op, its envy on your part, but having lots also costs lots..

I have a very good friend from school who lives in a 16 bedroom stately home, passed down through the generations. I live in a 3 bed house.

I'm not envious at all, whilst it looks perfect, my house is mine, mortgage now gone, minimal costs.

He has to literally scratch around for different ideas (weddings, events etc) to make enough cash to fix the latest roof leak, sort some dry rot, etc etc... not to mention the council tax 😀

I would be very uncomfortable if I was your friend and had been attacked like that. His family's asset and financial position are completely private. You force him to say he is privileged...what's the point in trying to demean him. Sorry but you sound obsessed and jealous. If my friend started having a go at me over my financial position, I would feel very uneasy.

It very much sounds like he was put on the spot. Someone making a personal comment about someone else in a group situation during a discussion about a general topic is pretty much the definition of being put on the spot. If he was expecting it, he would probably come up with a more thought out response.