Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

hattie43 · Today 06:10
This bloody word ' privilege' again .
Privilege is everywhere , someone is always more privileged than someone else get used to it”

This. I imagine some Neanderthals had bigger caves and sharper spears than others. That’s life.

It’s just about perspective. I have no idea what politics in particular you are discussing but in some circumstances it’s irrelevant and might be why he’s reacted like this.

Ie. You’re talking about disability benefits and the those who are actually unlucky in life. When you’re comparing that it doesn’t matter if OP has 500k, 1 Mill or 10 Mill. If your well, you’re just as privileged as him in that respect.

If you’re talking about those on lower incomes. Well that is irrelevant too. He’s on 200k. That is apples and oranges regardless of the inherited wealth.

Do you see where I am going with this.

People like him, need people like you. Ending this friendship creates a bubble.

Also is he a horrid person generally? If so fine and if, otherwise... Don't.

In this case YABU. He was singled out in a conversation and defended himself. If your post was about someone who was complaining about how hard their life was everyday in these circumstances then you'd have a point. The third party was a dick.

Ah, it's one of those stirring posts where OP never returns.

We all operate in a state of self delusion a lot of the time. About how clever, interesting, important, loving, beautiful, rich/poor, moral , competent we are. Those delusions allow us to feel ok about ourselves. Your friend is no different to all of us craning in the mirror to beautify our mediocre-looking selves, so just smile indulgently at him, the ego has to work hard to protect itself!

Everything you said in your initial post was spot on and your follow up post was clearly lighthearted. I think some posters on this app need to lighten up a bit 😆

This is why I keep very quiet when friends bring up money. You never know who is filing away this information to throw in your face later.

This has happened to me when a friend who’s business was failing (previously she had a very expensive lifestyle) shouted in my face over drinks in front of people that ‘it’s ok for me, I have loads of money!’ She’d enquired a few years previously when she was doing well, how much I was paid and naively I was honest . Now things weren’t so great for her, it was time for me to ‘check my privilege’.

I also tell my kids not to talk about what we have at home. Many people in this country can’t cope if you have £1 more than them.

@hairbearbunches agree.

As a person on a low income and from a poor background I feel insecure around my friends who grew up with privilege and who fail to admit it. I feel they often imply I could be doing more to better my situation, which really stings, but in reality I work so hard all the time and am trying so bloody hard. Yet they have houses purchased by their parents, trust funds etc. They think the fact they work validates that they deserve all they have and must have achieved it by themselves.

But they often show frustration at me for expressing exasperation at my living situation (private rental in expensive area that I can't move from), not wanting to go to expensive meals out and so on. One time a "friend" chastised me after a meal for not "spending enough" and sharing a main course, chips and a few (expensive) drinks. I am a LP and spent £50 for me and my son. I was so upset and then she just brushed it off and blamed it on her being drunk. But the implication was I was a tight arse, rather than struggling for cash.

VB said she was working class so that she was accepted and not judged. This is the thing I remembered people saying that Lily Allen was a posh bitch and should not get much attention because of that. It is mad. Only in this country people are so obsessed with this shit. It is toxic.

No-one resents privilege, in the main. It’s the poor hard done by attitude that a lot of the privileged exhibit that gets up people’s noses.

theres a reason David Beckham called his wife out for showing off her working class credentials. If your dad drives you to school in a roller, you’re not working class. The girl grew up privileged. Just acknowledge it.

Anyone who thinks this is just jealousy is part of the problem. But, as MN is probably heavily skewed towards the middle class in terms of contributors it’s not surprising.

@spearker, 150 years ago, people used to desperately cover up being 'new money' and desperately aspite to be 'old money'. These days it is the other way round.
From the OP to Musk, it was a remarkably good hand played very well. But acknowledging the former seems to undermine the latter, which is a shame.

@Sweden99 yes I find that is a big issue with people who come from privileged backgrounds and are unaware of it. They often infer others are lazy or whatever and deserve being poor when usually it couldn't be further from the truth. I guess this comes from subconscious insecurity about not having achieved their position without this privilege, and is an easier way to deal with it without having to admit it.

@zingally I think that is key. If the OP is seen as being lazy and rubbish nad hence poor, it is a major issue.
If it is a defensive and insecure comback it is different.

come again? what is your problem with what I wrote?

Showing staggering cluelessness about his privilege means he's also clueless about the OP and her life. If a friend is so clueless about your life, it implies a selfishness, lack of empathy, a lack of shared understanding and is dismissive of the OPs struggle.

However if the friendship is balanced by other factors, or they are a kind and caring friend in general then it just seems that they are clueless on this one aspect. It's all about looking at the positives and negatives of the situation as a whole.

@Sweden99, by "I posted that once, not twice" I meant exactly that. For some reason my post was put up twice. I was, of course, half-joking but everyone thinks what they say has merit otherwise why say it?

I'm intriuged over which part you take umbridge with? Perhaps focus on that so we can have a proper discussion?

What on earth??

When did we lose the ability to debate in this country? OP would you rather live in an echo chamber - because ending friendships every time you hear something you don't like will lead you precisely there.

No one likes to think good fortune fell into their lap. Your friend likely has worked hard. You don't know everything that may or may not have happened in his life.

What is it precisely you want him to do? Be ashamed for being successful? Eternally martyr himself? Pay reparations?

I hate this race to the bottom were in where if people dare to have something others don't then they're awful people

What's t.w.a.t.? Turd with a trustfund?

@LightDrizzle, 🤣 But also, great point. The second paragraph is I suppose showing that we judge people upon first meeting them and I suppose how lucky we consider them depends on the parameters we are judging them by. They could be very rich but have been orphaned at a young age or horribly abused. Equally, they could be very poor but be very loved and have wonderful family around them.

I wouldn't say this was friendship ending!

It sounds like he was feeling a bit attacked by whoever it was talking about the house etc.

And he's clearly not stupid, and does work hard, if he's on 200K a year.

Oh puhleese.

What’s it of anyone’s business? You sound weird like the op.

IMO it can be very hard to remain friends with people who are so staggeringly unaware and tactless about their own situation, especially when yours is difficult in comparison.

I guess you have to think about what the friendship offers beyond this and whether it's worth remaining friends. How he behaves towards you in general, whether he brings you joy, comfort and cares about you.

1. Gifted a huge amount and more or less plumped for property when smart people would have created income generating assets.
2. Right t.w.a.t. nowt to be ashamed off if you come into money, that's how most wealthy people get it. But he has all the tools to never work again.

It really wasn't.