To want to do something with just my kids?

They don’t have to ‘treat them fully’. A stepchild is just that - a stepchild. A stepparent does not become responsible for a stepchild because they married a parent, no matter how badly you want to believe the opposite. You’re no more required to treat your stepchild as your child than you are to treat your mother in law as your mother.

Of course not all blended families are based on affairs.

But I still genuinely wonder why women want to go into relationships where the men have previous children if they don't want to include the SC fully. I suspect they just didn't think it through.

I've read lots of posts on MN, including some on this thread who do remember with sadness how they were excluded. For parents who only have younger children they may think a 16-year-old is virtually an adult and they can be difficult to deal with but maybe then plan it differently and at least communicate rather than the DSC - as in this case - finding out through her younger sibling that the 'biological' children are going on holiday but SC wasn't even asked. I think anyone can see that it's perhaps not the best / kindest scenario, no?

@LilyPanda

Take your DC on holiday and enjoy! Life does not stop when DSC are not at your house and nor should it!

If ExW has a problem she should step up and do the same with her own daughter, then you have your family holiday in October when you are all together ❤️

@gofigure5

I do look down MASSIVELY on people who have entered extramarital affairs, aware that the person was married and especially when kids are involved. This, by the way, goes for both men and women.

Are you trying to insinuate that step-family's are created by affairs?! Some marriages break down because one gets sick of hearing the sanctimonious preaching of the other. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am led by my DH as to what he wants the relationship to be to be honest.
He was the step child who was forced by his mother into all sorts of family situations which were not authentic. He felt disloyal to his own family, uncomfortable, and ultimately a bit abandoned when his mother's relationship broke down.
He's got lasting relationships and genuine affection for all sorts of step relations via his (according to you, leftover and therefore worthless) Dads subsequent relationships, largely because his dad didn't pressure anything and let the relationship just be.
My relationship with my DSD isn't parent/child and none of the people who are actually important in this situation (ie. NOT YOU) want it to be.
We are happy as we are. We are a family, yes, but everyone knows who their own mum is.

I have to say, I don't understand, genuinely, why women (who don't have their own kids at that stage) would choose a man with kids if they would not treat them as their own.

I do look down MASSIVELY on people who have entered extramarital affairs, aware that the person was married and especially when kids are involved. This, by the way, goes for both men and women.

I can understand the desire to spend time with just your biological kids, but I can see why DSD might be feeling hurt. It might be better another time if you were able to consciously book it for a time she'd be with her Mum, and then have it presented to her as "oh, OP and the kids are away for a couple of days whilst you're at your Mum's". I truly do understand you wanting quality time with your two but from her perspective, she presumably thought she was seen as part of the family no matter what, especially since you've been in her life for so long, and now she might feel that actually your feelings for her aren't what she thought they were/she isn't treated the same way as her siblings. In fairness to her Mum, I think I'd feel sad for my DD in this situation too. Sorry, OP.

I wouldn’t be happy taking a 16 year old that wasn’t mine abroad. We don’t know how much OP is allowed to discipline DSD for instance, she maybe stuck with a child who has been told to ignore her. She might meet other teenagers and go off drinking etc.
Maybe mum could come on holiday at the same time and share childcare? That would be a solution and then all children can be together 😂

I imagine a 16 year old would change sleeping arrangements as well and activities for younger children.

I come from a large family, I went on holidays my older siblings didn’t. It’s not unusual. I do have a friend where the ex wife does take her children, step siblings are much older though, so she likes doing child things with them.

YANBU but I can also see why DSD is upset.

You have probably put a lot of effort into making her like you, so now she thinks you love her like your own children. Her parents might tell her that too - we love you all the same etc

So she might be asking because she's genuinely confused and upset about why you don't want her but that's for her dad to manage and explain.

If children are never mistakes then their parents are never leftovers.
You are just coming across as a nasty person who likes to polish their own halo while looking down on others.
And mother's who put their own children first put their own children first, not other people's.

Funnily enough the 16 year old, whether she wants to go or not, isn’t the main character that everyone else in her family has to revolve their lives around. I’m sure she can comprehend that OP isn’t her mother, and that OP going on holiday with her children is no different to what she does with her mother.

Yes, OP can do what she wants. Glad to see you’ve finally acknowledged that, despite your earlier attempts to assume an authority you don’t in fact have.

Not at all. Kids in my book are never mistakes. In fact I'm one of those mums - most mums - who put my kids above everything, and I'd be the same if adopted or SC.

I'm sure a 16-year-old who has parents who split up would be delighted about not even being asked to join on a holiday with her siblings she lives with (part of the time).

Of course, OP can do what she wants, I'm sure she will do what she wants anyway. I do hope the DH gets to have a holiday too as he's working hard. She did ask for an opinion and I've given mine. Just glad that I never had to experience being a stepchild in a family like that and that we don't have a blended family (although some of the step mums on here are clearly caring and wonderful to their SC - I'd choose one of them).

Oh no, gave you too much credit.
If the men are leftovers then the children are mistakes. Can't cherry pick this one.

I'll take that as an acknowledgement of how unnecessarily nasty and inaccurate that comment was.

I think most people like to think that when they get married they can arrange their family as they see fit to be honest.
I signed up to be my DHs wife, not DSDs mother, else she would have had to give permission for me to marry him! DH and his ex neither want, nor expect me to behave as if DSD was mine, and likewise are under no obligation to take any instruction or opinions from me as to her upbringing.
As such, I'd not take kindly at all to my husband's ex girlfriend thinking she has any kind of say about what I do or do not do with my own children.
The respect for the parent/child relationship has to go both ways.

OP didn't adopt the stepdaughter when they got married. You don't get to decide or define the expectations of any couple. OP has said Her DH accepted her decision it's the ex wife who has raised an issue and her opinion is equally irrelevant.

Blended families are tricky but OP's biological children are important too. They just do have a closer relationship with their mother and are entitled to spend this time with their mother.

It's also something not unique to blended families.when I was younger I had several breaks with just my mum and sister as a girls trip, as brothers did with dad, the older siblings had trips for things the younger wouldn't enjoy, the younger one had trips to things that myself and bro had aged out of. I know lots of families who did and do similar.

Where did she say she has a problem with him having a child? She didn’t. She’s got a problem with the mother asking her to take the kid on holiday, but she shut that down 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lol, you can say what you like, it’s hardly a diktat that anyone else has to live by.

I do have friends who have husbands who have been unfaithful and I do feel for them so. Probably colouring my view on the OW situation. But I genuinely don't think there is ever an excuse for a woman to get together with a married man.

And if the woman doesn't have children, just go for the men who don't have kids if you're not prepared to step up.

I was trying to push the point - but, genuinely, why would women without children choose to enter into a relationship if they don't want to be caring of the stepchild. Why not try to find unmarried men or those without kids? Problem solved.

Left overs was referring to the men. Not the children obvs.

So didn't she know that her now husband had a child?

She went into it with eyes open.

Stepmums everywhere - are you unable to to find men without kids? If you go for the ones who have kids, especially if you enter their life when they are babies/toddlers, I'd say you 'did sign up for it'.

That vicious little line about "leftovers" is the equivalent of calling the step children "mistakes"...
Still proud of yourself?

She signed up to be a wife, and as a result she is incidentally a stepmother. It’s a title, that’s it. She is free to choose what that means for her. So yes, she’s living the life she chose.

That it isn’t to your liking is a ‘you’ problem, same as whatever other issues you’ve going on.