To want to do something with just my kids?

@GeorgeBeckett has a really good suggestion which is simply to speak to DSD and talk to her about it. It may be she didn't actually want to come just the exW is stirring !

@Shelby2010 - we don’t know what this girl’s mum has planned for the summer. You can’t assume stems NOT going on holiday.

This. Poor kid

The point is that, because your DH is choosing not to take holiday over the summer, then your DSD is not getting a holiday either. You’ve said that if DH was going then she would have been included. So although your children are missing out on a holiday with their dad, she is not getting a holiday at all.

All the Whataboutery regarding her mother is irrelevant. Her father’s other children are getting a holiday away and she isn’t. I agree it’s not your responsibility & you taking your children away shouldn’t be an issue. But it is your DH’s responsibility & the joint decision for him to work is having a more negative impact on DSD than her siblings.

Why so caught up on finances? Do you think the kids should be? It’s the least important aspect.

What does your dsd think about this?

Could all this just be shit stirring by the ex and dsd doesn't actually care?

My worry would be that it would damage your relationship with her, if she feels like she's being excluded.

Fair treatment for his kids would be funding or facilitating the same number of holidays for them. If he's paying for/towards two holidays for his children with OP, then why would he not pay for/ facilitate the same for his other daughter?

Her kids are his kids. She’s doing something separately to her stepdaughter but she’s treating her children the same. She expects him to treat his the same too, not single out one for special treatment.

He isn’t going on separate holidays with his youngest, so why would he go on a separate one with his eldest?

@InterIgnis which is exactly what I just said. It's not up to the OP to do anything with the stepdaughter. But based on what she's saying on this thread, she's questioning why her husband would do something separately with his daughter. She's saying he'll only do things with her kids involved too.

OP and her husband aren’t in the same position. OP has two kids, her husband has three. She is treating her children equally, and it’s up to her husband to do the same with his. Her husband providing more for his eldest than he does for his youngest wouldn’t be ‘fair’, and them going on holiday with their mother isn’t something the stepdaughter needs compensating for.

@LilyPanda no, I didn't say she should, I just said it wouldn't be any harm if that meant she got an extra trip in one year overall - ie. You all go on one family holiday, she gets a trip with her dad, and her mum and your kids get a trip with you.

What you're saying is that your kids will never miss out - so it wouldn't be ok for your SD to do something alone with her dad. But it is ok for your SD to miss out. You're only concerned about fairness when it impacts your own children.

I guess that's your right, but it makes it pretty clear how you feel about your stepdaughter.

And to be clear, I still don't think there's a problem with you taking your children away. But I don't see why you would begrudge your husband taking his daughter on a separate trip (assuming he wanted to take her, and assuming she wanted to go).

You are nbu not to. But I would take DSD.
Your husband is self-employed and would love to come, but can't.

Really important to work out what the background is here I think.

Totally reasonable for you to take the kids way for a couple of days whilst DSD is at her mum’a and DH is working.

Is it that she feels left out?
is it that she really likes spending time with you and the kids?
Is it that she wants a sun tan/some dinners out/to see someplace new/post on Instagram?
Is it that she wants a taste of freedom?
Or does she not care and this is coming from her Mum?

Different approaches depending on what the background is here.

Is she grown up enough you can talk to her about it? “I’m sorry we handled this one wrong DSD, it was really meant to be just a few days whilst you were at Mum’s anyway. Genuinely didn’t think you’d want to be away from your friends and do kiddie things, and know you’re away with Mum a couple of weeks later. We can’t make it work with you coming on this one with the way the diary is, the set up of rooms and me needing to provide such different levels of supervision etc to you all. I’m really touched you wanted to come and sorry we didn’t quite get this right. Would you like to go to Instaworthy restaurant with Dad? He can’t get the whole week off work but could manage a day? Maybe we can get our nails done the two of us just before”

Or some such. Only you’ll know if this kind of mature chat is likely to come off.

@SackofSweets of course it isn't her job.

But I was responding to the OPs post where she said "I don't understand this... why would he take dsd away on her own and not our kids"

I was explaining why, in my opinion, that would be an entirely reasonable thing, and indeed a good thing for him to do.

YABU

I can't believe you or these responses.

Stepparents suck. Poor girl.

Is she treated the same by her dad as your two joint children?

YANBU about the holiday as her dad is not going, but aside from that is she treated the same as your two by her father when you are all together?

My friend is the step child and very clearly isn't - the three joint children are very much favored - I am just wondering if this is something she sees often and is zoning in on the holiday as another example and is why it's being brought up.

Its not for OP to manage her DH’s relationship with his daughter, she is not his Mother.

You wouldn’t, everyone says that because they are imagining the best case scenario and judge people by their own standards. Reality is you have parents who you just assumed would be competent, who aren’t. So often children with behaviour issues. You might start out like that. But many of us grow weary of being bottom of the pile and not getting the due respect and credit we deserve so we step back. There’s no shame in that. Frankly anyone who has walked in my shoes doesn’t judge me, women who share my path confide in me. Women like you view it like I did a decade ago.

@LilyPanda I didn't say at all that your kids should miss out, or that you shouldn't take them away without their stepsister. I think that's fine.

What I suggested is that it would be nice for your husband to take his daughter away for a short trip away separately - which I think is even more important given that she will otherwise not get a holiday by the sounds of it.

You seem to see the value of spending one on one time with your biological children, so I can't see why you'd disagree with that sentiment.