To want to do something with just my kids?

@LilyPanda I would leave the thread. The problem is, you are dealing with posters whose biggest fear is the day their DH leaves and meets someone else. They fear that lack of control over theirs and their kids lives so they come on here and take it out on women like you. Do you think any of these posters would be happy with their kids stepmum taking them away on holiday? No, it's the control over their ex and his new household they like the idea of.

You have every right to do whatever you wish with your children. They have one mother, you. Same as your dsd. No one else has any right to tell you what you can and can't do with your children. If you didn't put your kids first you would be a bad mother.
Go on the holiday with your kids, enjoy the time with them and don't feel one ounce of guilt.

Obviously. It’s clear as day that you DGAF.

Ouch. I was in agreement with you taking your biological kids (as long as stepdaughter wasn’t rattling around your house alone while her dad was at work), but the comments above are pretty hurtful. As a stepchild myself, I can really emphathise with your stepdaughter on this one. She’s really being “othered” here…”they are not full siblings”, “why should my child put up with sharing”, “why don’t my kids deserve”, “ my 2 children are mine and they are the two I need to put first”, “I won’t put her feelings before my kids”.

SD shouldn’t be put above everyone else, but she shouldn’t be “othered” either.

This isn’t the case at all. The vast majority of people on this thread have said emphatically that OP is NBU. Meanwhile, on threads where women post that they are concerned about step parents overstepping boundaries into parenting, they are told that it’s none of their business and they have to deal with it because that’s dads new partner and they are a new family now. So actually the double standard is the opposite.

Mumsnet is very pro the position that woman who marry men with kids have no obligations to them whatsoever , and if they go on to have more kids with said man, they should always (naturally) put themselves and their own bio children first, regardless of the hurt and fall out that that may cause to their DPs previous children.

FFS.
loudly for those at the back:

ITS NOT THE SAME.

the end.

And you y certainly don't owe additional money to dsd just bc they are missing out. In reality she isn't missing out, bc ur kids are spending time with their mum just like dsd spends 1:1 time with her own mum doing whatever they do.

I don't understand half these posters! Op you have every right to just take ur kids away, spend time with just your own kids! Having a step child when their actual parent isn't present, changes the dynamic.
Just bc you married a man with a child, doesn't mean you can't spend alone time/holiday with ur own kids.
The ex won't take ur kids on holiday to enjoy with dsd - their half sibling, so why are you expected to do this?

I'm actually always on the step kids side, as I had a horrible step mum who didn't want me anywhere near her family, and hated the fact that my dad had previous baggage.. over 35 years she never ever warmed up to me, I just learned to keep quiet as a kid and I eventually cut off contact with them as an adult, when I realised I could actually choose to stop trying to be part of their family.

But I think people here are being a bit extreme.. I think you should treat step children as if they were your own children when they are with you, and you should work to make sure that all their needs are met while they are in your care.. but that doesn't necessarily mean they are all treated 'exactly the same', because that isn't how you treat your own children.

For instance if DSD wanted to do something age appropriate with either her dad or step mum, like go to the cinema, or go for a girlie afternoon etc, they shouldn't be told no, or made to include the younger ones just because of "fairness", as that isn't really what you'd do in real life.

I think this holiday being not in DSD time with them and not including their dad is reasonable that she wouldn't be asked to go, it obviously has bothered the dad to some extent otherwise he wouldn't have asked op to take her, but he could use the opportunity while they are away to spend a bit of one on one time with his daughter, which I'm sure DSD would much prefer then a few days away with her stepmum and half siblings, and IMO he should make some time for her, but something tells me he won't!

I don’t get what you mean that “you are over 10 years too late”. I think people I just trying to point out that the decision you made to be with a man with kids has long term repercussions. That child will be in you life as long as it’s in his and that was your choice. If you made that choice 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 1 year ago so what, you made it, the child didn’t.

If your biological child said they didn’t want to go on holiday with your step child then I would treat that exactly the same as if your biological child said they don’t want to go on holiday with your other biological child. I personally would be looking to build their relationship and sort out what issues they have that they feel like they don’t want to go on holiday with their sibling. I wouldn’t be saying ok, I’ll take you on holiday and leave my other child at home!

Maybe irrelevant was too strong a word but I do believe that I would not make a decision because it’s what I wanted knowing that it would hurt the feelings of my child. I would always put their feelings first. If you know you will be hurting your step daughter by taking her siblings away without her and your ok with that then I’d say that’s wrong and if I were her dad I definitely wouldn’t be happy with your attitude towards my child.

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone that already has kids then you must treat them the same as your own children
There is no "you must" when it comes to how people choose to arrange their family life. My DH certainly doesn't expect this of me.
Your feelings are completely irrelevant
OPs feelings on how to conduct her relationship with her own children are extremely relevant.
You may want to just spend time with your own biological children but what you want comes second to the needs/feelings of the child
What about the wants/needs/feelings of OPs children and their right to be extra special to their own mother?

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone that already has kids then you must treat them the same as your own children. Your feelings are completely irrelevant. You may want to just spend time with your own biological children but what you want comes second to the needs/feelings of the child. This child will obviously feel excluded if you don’t take her, feelings of being unwanted/ not part of her dad’s ‘real’ family will likely stay with her for the rest of her life. As the adult who chose this relationship, that is totally down to you and your partner, the child did not choose this lifestyle. It is your job as her step mum, to make her feel as wanted and as loved by you as your own children. Yes that’s hard and would be impossible for some but then you shouldn’t enter into a relationship with a man with kids. You should absolutely be taking her on this holiday.

Indeed, good luck with that. You should lovely

It's interesting OP that you keep saying I don't agree with this so it won't be happening (ref. Taking his daughter on a trip himself, or giving money to the Ex to take his daughter on a holiday)

If your husband wanted to take his daughter away on a break alone, you wouldn't allow him? Does he not have any agency of his own? You sound very controlling.

Surely it's simple? Op is the dm of her dc and is taking them away.
Dsd has a dm who can also take her dc away.. The df of all the dc isn't going with any of his dc...

@Shelby2010

If CMS shouldn't be used then mum should just use her own wages to pay to take her own daughter on holiday... she clearly has no other children otherwise is would be unfair on them if their sister went on holiday without them.... so.... 🤷🏻‍♀️

That was in reply to posters suggesting that DH should count his contributions to DSD’s holidays as being part of what he pays in CMS. I disagree with this.

I’m sure you will tell us that your DH is generous with his financial support, so it wasn’t actually aimed at you.

For those asking what you can do with DC when DSC aren’t around, I guess you look at what you’d do with your own children.

So if I was at the park with DD2 & not DD1, then yes I would buy her an ice cream. Comparing that to a holiday in Spain is laughable.

If I do a bigger treat with just one of them, then I will balance it out with the other at another time. It’s a lot easier because they both live with me full time. I appreciate it’s harder with blended families, but surely that means being more careful to get it right.

You have published your situation on an open forum for, I'm assuming, for a range of views; as opposed to just to gain positive reinforcement of your own perspective.

In which case, it's prudent to be able stomach the views that strongly conflict with your own.

I strongly feel it's distasteful and unkind to exclude your children's sibling, purely on the basis of biology when she has been related to you for several years.

I'm just a stranger on the Internet with no vested interest in your life. You are free to do as you please.