To want to do something with just my kids?

If your DH wants her to go, could he not join you for part of it and bring her with him on that part?

i feel a bit uneasy about the fact she’s been in you life as a toddler and you still see her as an outsider, but it is your choice to make at the end of the day.

Yes, probably best to book when DSD is with her mum. Otherwise, she’ll be in your empty house all day when DH is at work, which will really rub salt in the wound.

ExW is asking you why you’re not taking DSD? I’m trying to picture that conversation…

YANBU.
Your children simply do and are allowed to have a relationship that is closer with you as you are their actual mum. DSD has that with her own mother, she gets quality time with her. Your children are allowed that too.

Also the age difference could put very different expectations on your holiday. It would be very easy to cater to your two as so close in age. I am actually surprised a 16 yr old would even want to join in this instance. I was certainly opting out of some family holidays by 17 for this reason.

But it seems like here the SD wants the holiday. So if it’s 2 weeks in Benidorm or Turkey, that’s what she wants.

The only other point a pp said and I’d say is if it helps siblings to get along that’d be good. I knew my younger (eldest by 7 years) half siblings from when I was 13 as that’s when I got in touch with my dad but we were the other side of London to him, it would’ve been nice to have got to line them when then were younger as when they were older they were teens and all that comes with that.

Take your own kids and if dsd not getting a holiday with mum or dad make sure there are some day trips planned for her and dh, or all of you together if that is preferable to dsd.

The ages are really important for background here, in my opinion. If she was closer in age to your kids I would say it would perhaps be difficult to her to understand the situation and that you could be creating a division in the siblings relationships. But she is a teenager! Her interests will be completely different from your children. Can’t your DH speak to her mum and perhaps offer to contribute for a vacations for the two of them (he would pay for his daughter and mum pay for herself)?

If her dad was going I'd say it was cruel but nope you are fully entitled to quality time with your kids plus kids get overly excited on trips and it's so awkward getting somebody else's child in order!

YANBU to take them without her but I would book it when she is with her mum as from a 16 year olds POV she might feel jealous and that she is being left out.

Im sure your dsd goes plenty of places with her own mum so she’s not missing out she just has other opportunities.

Also don’t think it matters at all how it’s paid for as like you say dsd doesn’t know how your finances work.

This is why I wouldn't get involved with a man who had kids.

I think the fact she is 16 makes it difficult. I wouldn't want the responsibility of 3 very young kids.

But at 16 it's harder to explain other than "i just want to take my own kids". As you've been in her life since a toddler, it is hard.

Do you get on well? Is she good company?

When people write things like that I always wonder if they are a bitter first wife.

Completely ignoring the fact that OP is also contributing to the pot paying for the trip, so no, SD is not entitled to the exact same share as the DC. When it is about wills, 2DC and one SDC the consensus is usually that the SDC gets 2/12 (a third of the dad’s share) and the DC 5/12.

The step daughter has a mum who can take her on holiday. If her dad was going on holiday with his wife and youngest children then he should also take his oldest daughter. However, he is not going on this holiday so step daughter isn't going either.

At 16, I would have been desperate not to go on a family holiday with 11 and 12 year olds. Which makes me think that if she wants to go it's probably more about wanting to feel part of the family.

Would there be scope for her dad (or you, if you have that kind of relationship) to take her for a mini-break somewhere 'cooler' (as perceived by a 16 year old) or something like that? Something like shopping and a gig or play in London, or a hillwalking trip, depending what she's into - something she wouldn't be able to enjoy with 11 and 12 year olds there too?

Next time don't tell your kids or anyone else just do it as a "surprise " Cuts out the crap you're going through now .

YANBU,if her mother really wants her to have a holiday she can take her.

I read 4-5 nights as 4-5 weeks 🤣 so I did think yabu a bit but re-reading 4-5 nights - defo not, especially as she’s majority with her mum. My dc have time away that my dsc don’t - not half siblings though but do split time 50:50. But other times I would take my dsc too. Overall YANBU imo

Why? She comes to see her DF who will be there. I’ve taken our DC to my mum’s many times; whether it was DSC’s week with us or not was not relevant in the slightest.

No unless she lives with you full time and didn’t have a relationship with her mum. Can your dh rectify this and take her away for a weekend or something similar. As he can spend quality time with her alone too?

From an adult perspective it makes perfect sense, YANBU.

But I think it depends on how long + often the child has been living with you.

From the child's or even biological mother's perspective, it is sad if they've been living in this (OP's) house since they were a very little toddler, and if it (OP's house) is their main abode most of the time... Like if they consider OP their "main mum" and OP's family their "main family".

Perhaps YANBU still, but will have to explain very lovingly and carefully as obviously kids may internalise certain messages of non-belonging/exclusion and don't really understand stuff.

And I note you chopped off the rest of my post which was agreeing with OP.
Did I hit a nerve?

Not at all, @Hugosmaid . I would say a good proportion of siblings are close, a good proportion aren’t, and the rest don’t care much either way.

My DC got on least well across the 10-17 age range, which OP is in now. They were (are) very close before and after that. Pre-teen to teen is a trying time for all. My siblings and I only got on once we’d all left home and had more space - and no TV remote to bicker over.

I didn’t quote the rest of your comment as I had no issue with it. I agree the OP doesn’t need to take her stepchild with her.

My issue was your implication that siblings not being close implied dysfunction. I don’t think that’s a fair assessment and did the OP a disservice.

I'd suggest that DH says to DSD that he'll do something nice with her whilst you're away. He can just say to exW that the holiday is just a short break and that he's not going therefore DSD isn't going. DSD will get holidays with her mum so she's not losing out holiday wise and she's not missing time with her Dad. You said the siblings aren't that close and frankly it would be hard to juggle those ages anyway as interests will vary

As a mum with two children who used to go see their father on the weekends there is no way I would have wanted my children to go on holiday with just the step mum, that is ridiculous.

Your husband should try arrange a few days away with just her so she doesn’t feel hard done by but there is no way you should take her.

Is there any need to be quite so unpleasant?

Hell no

I think it’s fine. I can’t imagine expecting my ex’s dp to ever take my ds on holiday unless ex was going along too.

As a compromise it’d be nice if your DH took DSD somewhere for a day or weekend just the 2 of them.

I don’t think you’re being remotely unreasonable by not wanting to be responsible for someone else’s child on a holiday - particularly abroad.

The financial aspect can surely be dealt with by your husband making a contribution to DSD’s mum taking her away on her own holiday.