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Original poster

Would you trust someone who had previously had a restraining order?

86 replies

youngtrees · 08/06/2024 19:11

It happened 14 years ago. Physically violent to an ex partner - no prison sentence but a restraining order placed on him.

Seems to have turned his life around .

I am not dating this person. Just curious for the responses.

OP posts:
Peachesandfizz · 08/06/2024 20:56

My SIL got into a relationship with a convicted murderer. He'd been in prison, released on life licence. We didn't know and found out by chance. Lots of talk about how it was a mistake, he'd changed, it was a man he'd killed and he'd never hurt a woman. Lo and behold a night out ended in an alcohol fueled rage and went at her with a knife. He ended up beating her without using the weapon. Whilst horrific, it could easily have been much, much worse.

If someone has it in them to be violent, I don't believe they can ever change.

Spinthewheel1 · 08/06/2024 20:54

Absolutely would not trust this person!! There was a restraining order put in place for a reason.

Original poster
youngtrees · 08/06/2024 20:50

BlastedPimples · 08/06/2024 20:42

How do you push someone over a sofa without force?

I don't know, I thought the same. It's just what she said - even if that's true, it's still wrong. She musta said it was years ago and genuinely doesn't think anything of it. We have a good friendship and I'm sure she would confide in me if she had any concerns.

I think she's way too in love with this guy to possibly see what he could really be.

He's been married and divorced in between and has a child in this relationship too.

OP posts:
circular2478 · 08/06/2024 20:48

No way. Why bring a load of potential drama in to your life.

StormingNorman · 08/06/2024 20:47

No. That switch could flip at any time. I wouldn’t be allowing an abuser into my life.

Sogrownup3 · 08/06/2024 20:46

Nope

beckybarefoot · 08/06/2024 20:42

hell no...

BlastedPimples · 08/06/2024 20:42

How do you push someone over a sofa without force?

Original poster
youngtrees · 08/06/2024 20:41

Michelle12A · 08/06/2024 19:27

it would depend on the person

Do you think he’d do it again?

I don't know him well enough to comment. I'd like to say no. But I will say that the story I was told doesn't match up with the story that my friend believes.

I was told that he broke into the home and strangled her. She believes that he pushed her over the sofa but not with force - they were both arguing.

It was a long time ago I suppose. I just don't get a good feeling around him now.

OP posts:
Outnumbered247 · 08/06/2024 20:40

No

BlastedPimples · 08/06/2024 20:38

Everyone deserves a second chance but sorry, I'm not going to risk being that second chance.

I do not believe people change.

My stbxh was violent and abusive. I would never give him another chance. He will never change. He believes that his aggression is due to the "bear being poked."

I pity any woman who gets involved with him.

Left · 08/06/2024 20:28

Hell no.

Cuwins · 08/06/2024 20:01

My first instinct was absolutely not but then I thought a bit more and maybe if the historical problems were related to either alcohol/substance abuse issues or a mental health issue, which they had since had professional treatment for, I would consider getting to know them very slowly but I would be very cautious and looking for any signs of issues. And certainly not having a child any time soon!
I would also want to feel they had been completely open and honest with me about it, not tried to minimise it at all and recognised how unacceptable it was.

Jeannie88 · 08/06/2024 19:51

Everyone deserves a second chance but I would be on my guard and at the slightest suggestion of these traits showing themselves I would be off! Some learn and change, others don't. Part of me thinks if it's an inherent characteristic then better to not get involved. X

itspreposterous · 08/06/2024 19:37

youngtrees · 08/06/2024 19:20

My best friend is in a new relationship with this man and she's pregnant with his child.

I was at a gathering last weekend and spoke to was speaking to someone who knows him very well and told me he had a restraining order against his ex partner when his daughter was 4. I worked it out that this would be around 14 years ago.

I decided to speak to my friend and let her know what I had been told. She already knew and brushed it off as it was nothing. This man and his ex partner get on well now their child is grown up (which I do know myself that this is true) and she seems to think it's nothing to worry about.

I've got a friend who had to leave her partner because of domestic violence, this happened years before I met her but she literally had to run in the middle of the night, baby on hip.. Terrified for her life.
When her son was 16 (so around 15 years later) he got in contact. He was no longer addicted to alcohol and had seemingly turned his life around, he begged for forgiveness and wanted the chance to get to know his son. Ten years on and he does seem to be a different person, they see each other at family events and everyone's moved on from his past, personally i couldn't do it.
I've met my friends ex at bbq's ect, he seems nice enough but i can't help but think if you scratch the service there was once a monster underneath.

paddingtoncoffee · 08/06/2024 19:37

Isn't this exactly the thing. You never think they'd do it in the first place, but I'm sure he's explained this all away very convincingly

AdoraBell · 08/06/2024 19:34

Absolutely not. Even though they had turned their life around I would be on egg shells.

Beezknees · 08/06/2024 19:32

Absolutely not.

Michelle12A · 08/06/2024 19:27

it would depend on the person

Do you think he’d do it again?

lateatwork · 08/06/2024 19:23

Sorry cross posted.

No I wouldn't knowingly go out with someone who had a restraining order and if I unwittingly had a child with them (without knowing) I'd break it off.

Octavia64 · 08/06/2024 19:23

She will believe that she know him better and he has changed.

My ExH is now remarried and has a child.

I contemplated reaching out to her to let her know about his violence and the police record but it would have got me a world of pain and honestly I just can't face it.

lateatwork · 08/06/2024 19:21

Trust them with what?

Original poster
youngtrees · 08/06/2024 19:20

My best friend is in a new relationship with this man and she's pregnant with his child.

I was at a gathering last weekend and spoke to was speaking to someone who knows him very well and told me he had a restraining order against his ex partner when his daughter was 4. I worked it out that this would be around 14 years ago.

I decided to speak to my friend and let her know what I had been told. She already knew and brushed it off as it was nothing. This man and his ex partner get on well now their child is grown up (which I do know myself that this is true) and she seems to think it's nothing to worry about.

OP posts:
GardenGnomeDefender · 08/06/2024 19:19

No.

A lot of personality is genetic. You can change how you behave but your underlying tendencies are what they are.

Octavia64 · 08/06/2024 19:17

No

I nearly had to get one with my ExH. Honestly, not worth it.

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