Page 2 | Would you trust someone who had previously had a restraining order?

youngtrees · 2024-06-08T18:11:17+00:00

It happened 14 years ago. Physically violent to an ex partner - no prison sentence but a restraining order placed on him. Seems to have turned his life around . I am not dating this person. Just curious for the responses.

mathanxiety · 09/06/2024 01:29

No way.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/06/2024 00:52

It's about 10% of men who are not violent to women again after doing it, WITH treatment. It's behaviour that is stable over time. In very rare cases, if someone for example gets treatment for addictions and does the work, it's possible they could have a healthy relationship with another woman. But would you bet your life on any 10% chance? I wouldn't.

He also seems to have a child with any woman he's with, which is classic control.

So no, and I have done my homework on this.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 08/06/2024 22:38

No, no and no!!!

justasking111 · 08/06/2024 22:36

God no

newfriend05 · 08/06/2024 22:35

No

Hesma · 08/06/2024 22:17

No and I would never expose my kids to that kind of person

FOJN · 08/06/2024 22:08

I'd be very concerned for your friend for several reasons.

His behaviour was violent enough to persuade a court to issue a restraining order.

A restraining order is much more consistent with the information you have received than the story your friend has been told. This suggests he is probably lying.

A history of attempted strangulation is very worrying.

It is a new relationship and she is pregnant.

I would not give this man the benefit of the doubt.

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 08/06/2024 21:48

Absolutely not. My tolerance for shit men is very low now though. There are plenty of men without them and I never think leopards do truly change their spots when it comes to abuse, even if it was linked to drink and drugs. It's always there lurking beneath the surface ready for when you say no or enough.

SauvignonBlonk · 08/06/2024 21:45

@youngtrees I expect your friends man is being very charming to her, they all start that way. She needs to be very, very careful and yes, keep a close eye on her.

CadyEastman · 08/06/2024 21:37

SauvignonBlonk · 08/06/2024 21:27

It’s not easy to get a restraining order against someone.
There is no way I’d go near anyone who has, or has had, one.
I had one to protect me from my ex. I’d advise no woman to go anywhere near him.
He’s a ticking bomb - I expect others are the same.

I was going to say the same. The evidence has to be rock solid before one is issued.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

Original poster

youngtrees · 08/06/2024 21:33

SauvignonBlonk · 08/06/2024 21:27

It’s not easy to get a restraining order against someone.
There is no way I’d go near anyone who has, or has had, one.
I had one to protect me from my ex. I’d advise no woman to go anywhere near him.
He’s a ticking bomb - I expect others are the same.

This was my first thought - they don't give restraining orders out easily. Thankfully I've not been in that situation but I do know that it has to be considered serious in order to get one.

I'm sorry you have experienced it.

In my friends case, I think she just thinks it was years ago so it doesn't apply now.

I'll just have to keep a close eye I think.

OP posts:

SauvignonBlonk · 08/06/2024 21:27

It’s not easy to get a restraining order against someone.
There is no way I’d go near anyone who has, or has had, one.
I had one to protect me from my ex. I’d advise no woman to go anywhere near him.
He’s a ticking bomb - I expect others are the same.

GalacticalFarce · 08/06/2024 21:26

Not at all. People rarely change.

WrinklyScrotum · 08/06/2024 21:26

Oh yet another delightful male specimen under discussion on MN….A restraining order AND kids by two different mothers already. What a catch!

Original poster

youngtrees · 08/06/2024 21:25

Lurkingandlearning · 08/06/2024 21:21

to someone who knows him very well and told me he had a restraining order against his ex partner

I’m not trying to be pedantic and I may have got the meaning of the phrase wrong but if the order was against his ex, doesn’t that mean he applied for it to protect himself from his ex?

Could this be a misunderstanding and he didn’t do anything wrong?

No it's my typing - I apologise. He 100% had a restraining order placed on him due to domestic abuse. He wasn't allowed to see/contact his ex for a year and therefore did not see his child either.

It is just the way I have typed it without thinking.

OP posts:

DreamTheMoors · 08/06/2024 21:25

Cuwins · 08/06/2024 20:01

My first instinct was absolutely not but then I thought a bit more and maybe if the historical problems were related to either alcohol/substance abuse issues or a mental health issue, which they had since had professional treatment for, I would consider getting to know them very slowly but I would be very cautious and looking for any signs of issues. And certainly not having a child any time soon!
I would also want to feel they had been completely open and honest with me about it, not tried to minimise it at all and recognised how unacceptable it was.

In my case it was severe alcohol abuse.
I had to get a restraining order and move towns and hide.
It was terrifying.
I seriously doubt the person I’m talking about has solved their problems but I don’t think it’s impossible for everyone.
I have hope for even the most hopeless people.

socks1107 · 08/06/2024 21:21

My ex husbands new wife did

Lurkingandlearning · 08/06/2024 21:21

to someone who knows him very well and told me he had a restraining order against his ex partner

I’m not trying to be pedantic and I may have got the meaning of the phrase wrong but if the order was against his ex, doesn’t that mean he applied for it to protect himself from his ex?

Could this be a misunderstanding and he didn’t do anything wrong?

Catandsquirrel · 08/06/2024 21:19

Highly unlikely. Exception maybe being if they were extremely young at the time- teens or uni age. I would want full transparency and for MH work to have been done in the interim years. Also for them to show good values in their work and personal life. It would also depend on what had happened (broadly a situation getting out of hand due to maturity/ impulse control vs cruelty or violence). I wouldn't go into it lightly and they would have one chance to mess up with me.

EwwSprouts · 08/06/2024 21:18

No. Whatever the story no.

Original poster

youngtrees · 08/06/2024 21:17

TheTartfulLodger · 08/06/2024 21:14

Hang on, you said he had a restraining order AGAINST his ex?

"someone who knows him very well and told me he had a restraining order against his ex partner"

Edited

Just a typo. It's clear what I am trying to explain

OP posts:

TheTartfulLodger · 08/06/2024 21:14

Hang on, you said he had a restraining order AGAINST his ex?

"someone who knows him very well and told me he had a restraining order against his ex partner"

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/06/2024 21:12

paddingtoncoffee · 08/06/2024 19:37

Isn't this exactly the thing. You never think they'd do it in the first place, but I'm sure he's explained this all away very convincingly

It'll have been her fault, I expect...😧

BlastedPimples · 08/06/2024 21:11

@LividPink hear hear.

Op, be prepared for when his mask slips. It will in time. No question.

LividPink · 08/06/2024 21:04

You can't make her see sense.

You can only let her know you're there when she finally realises and needs to escape. Let her know where your spare key is and that she's always welcome in the middle of the night. She'll brush it off now, but remember it later.