I hate my 19 month old

This is what I came on here to say

I remember this and it was awful, you're right. I also looked forward to Monday. Even now when we have a bank holiday weekend I wonder how I'm going to stay sane. But we're at 2.5 years now and now she's talking it's much easier because I can negotiate a bit more and explain things to her. No answer on the car seat thing as I'm still figuring that one out (the only thing that works is giving her sweets and I reserve that for emergencies so she doesn't get used to it).

You don't have to enjoy it all, it's bloody awful sometimes.

What is your work situation? Hours/WFH/length of lunch break each day

Excuse asking for so much detail just trying to work out if there's scope to shuffle about stuff to give you a bit of downtime to reset. With a shorter lunch break and slightly later finish each day I get a half day each week to myself and that helps (didn't drop hours etc)

New Toddler Taming is written by a paediatrician who went through toddler years himself. The book is an easy read as the author has a great sense of humour. I found many great ideas. Worth a look if you have time and energy to read on your commute. Might be available as an audio book now

@hadrnnnough, if you dropped a day a week, it would cost you £12k pro-rata, correct? Something under £9k after tax.

That's around £175 a week. This would buy you 8-12 hours a week of help. My suggestion is not to compromise your career prospects by reducing your hours, but to spend the money you were willing to sacrifice on some proper support at home. If you aren't sure what help would benefit you most, try calling a couple of domestic agencies and discussing it with them.

Good luck!

Could you do a nine day fortnight? I was in a similar situation with the same concerns. It’s much easier financially, much easier to add back the extra day when you’re already there most of the time and my short weeks were sanity savers. If I had a bad week and it wasn’t a short one, at least it I had that to look forward to. Otherwise it just feels relentless.

After a few months of it, I had enough energy back to occasionally use some of my days off to do a bit of batch cooking or organising. That helped in tough weeks too.

DS was massively like this. He got better when he could talk and even better when he started school. He’s now a thoroughly lovely (although massively tenacious!) six year old.

OP, with all due respect, your job is a job. Use the parental leave for your sons sick days. Use your annual leave to book some time for yourself. If you are really desperate, have a few days sick, unless you live opposite your workplace- how are they going to know? Better to take a few days now then burn out and actually getting signed off work for weeks/months. Plus, just because you're off sick, does not mean ypu have to be confined to your house.

This toddler stage can be really difficult. It's not bloody easy.

Do you actually hate your toddler or the stage he's at? If it's the former then there is real concern.

What do weekends look like for you? I'm not trying to guilt trip you, do you spend quality 1:1 time? Or are you desperatly trying to catch up with everything around the house whilst he's under your feet? Do you have time at the weekend to follow his lead with play etc and let it finish when he loses interest.get him outside to a big park as much as possible, let him run around the play equipment or kick a ball or just explore. Parenting is much easier of they get outside.

Do you understand the tantrums? It sounds silly but explaining what is going to happen next as much as you can does help. Not possible all the time but they can understand a lot.

We stopped using the pushchair at this stage as it was just so bloody difficult. We got a trike and had absolutely no issues.

Are there any parenting classes you can join. My council run some so people can reframe how they see this experience. They are very sure of what they want at this stage, but not everything has to be a battle. Why is he wailing in the bath? If he doesn't want a bath, don't give him a bath. Mine cries with the nappy change too, have you tried singing a funny song to him? Do you joke and laugh with him? If he doesn't like the car seat are there alternatives? Non of them really like car seats. When we go for a walk we have a shit time if I have a pre conceived idea of what we will do. If I let him wander and do what he wants it is so much more enjoyable for both of us. Not everything has to be a battle.

I think you need to speak to someone because you do need help with this.

You have 4 weeks leave, perhaps the odd day here and there when you feel you need a day for you will help? Surely you can’t just save it for when he’s ill, that’s what sick leave/parental leave is for.

How supportive are your work? Could you ask them about adapting your hours, ie maybe compressed hours so you’re still full time but in 4 days so you have a day for you? Or just ask whether reducing now and upping in a year is an option? I think it’s worth asking the question!

I used to absolutely hate the this will pass when they were tiny mentalists and I was exhausted, but it does and will be worth it.

What a great post.

I read up, and discovered 'love bombing', which I initially dismissed as 'hippy nonsense'. But, I was desperate, so tried it, and it worked. It really helped.
We still do it, now - make time to enjoy each other. I feel that I really 'know' my boy, whereas 10 years ago, I felt I had responsibility for a devil child. We'd fallen into the habit of seeing each other as 'the enemy'.
Try to rediscover the joy.

As a high earner, you have options. In your situation, I'd either go down to 4 days, or buy in some help.

At that age, my DS had never slept for more than an hour, at a time. I was on a mattress, on his bedroom floor, as it was pointless even trying to sleep. We were both tired and grumpy. He constantly demanded 'milk' and I was all touched out. I was on minimum wage, and received zero maintenance.

Fast forward to now - he's 14, and a lovely, kind, smart, funny, boy. I hardly recognise the horror he was.
It's a phase. You'll get through it.

Oh bless you @hadrnnnough it's very tough having a demanding toddler and no break from them.
Your post screams exhaustion.
The stage your son is at now is him being frustrated and its just a stage. I can remember feeling so drained and angry at times with my eldest (also a single parent with no break) but then I'd feel guilty I felt cross with him, so the cycle of emotions was very hard to keep on top of.

He is without a shadow of a doubt, even if he wasn't my son, one of my favourite humans ever. You've got that to look forward to, seeing the person your ds will become and its magic.

Youre in the trenches, but it isn't forever x

Try teaching him some sign language. Rsp the sign for please and thank you. It will be very calming for you both.

What a lovely post.

oh, blah

This. Use the unpaid leave to cover the two weeks of closure time.

And then take 12 days of your holiday allowance for you. That is one day every month where you do something lovely.

How can you hate your child? Some women can't have children and would love to be in your shoes.

You have loads of people sympathising and I'm sure it's making it easier to sound off, but if you want a better relationship with your toddler you have to put in a lot of time and energy and play and talk with them a lot. I guess that's pretty hard when you have to work but little ones need a lot of 1 to 1 connections to flourish. I'd concentrate on this is possible. Play and read and talk to them and teach them stuff, visit places and let then have conversations and attention.

Temporary reduction in contract is worth asking for. If not 4 days per week how about 9 day fortnight?

You definitely need to cut down your hours, as it sounds like your wage will allow it and your mental health and your little boy really need you to.
You sound at real risk of breakdown and very burnt out.
Being a single parent must be so tough.
You NEED time to yourself...Happy baby and happy mummy and all that.
He will be feeding off you alot at that age, so if you can reduce your stress you will likely see his behaviours become less challenging.

Have a look at compqnies policy's. You might be able to negotiate a day's unpaid leave for say 6 months without changing contract

@ManchesterGirl2 I know it could get you fired in many places. Some places let you take well-being leave and it's the same as sick leave and I just meant if it's the kind of place where you wouldn't get in trouble.

I understand you don't want to make yourself more stressed by causing issues at work.

This might be a bit much, but don't you think it's more that you dislike yourself rather than your DC? I absolutely wasn't a natural born mother and my one and only DC had ASD. Even during their most awful behaviour, it wasn't them I hated, it was me. It is very frustrating to not know what they want, how they are feeling - when so young and not able to communicate.
Don't beat yourself up. This time will pass. The next stage might be better or worse, who knows. You are Mum and you will cope and these feelings will pass.