I hate my 19 month old

Do remember though that once they are in school you will have lower childcare bills. Maybe you would be happy to remain at 4 days.

@Calamitousness I understand all that, my point is simply that there's no right for people to have isolated days of parental leave - as you say that's at the employer's discretion. So unless the OP's employer is clear that it would permit this, best not to count on it other than for periods of at least a week.

@MMadeofCheeese I mean most people with a 20 month old don't get to just sit and watch Gardener's World. Just parent your child maybe?

@mrsmalcolmreynolds I have taken PL in days not weeks. I have also granted staff PL in days not weeks. It’s up to your manager. It’s often better for service to be done in days.

Agree about a routine helping but make it a very gentle one,so low demand on yourself and on him. Get outdoors as much as you can. Don't worry about mess or his clothes or him getting dirty. Dress him in things you don't care about and buy second hand so they can be mucked up. Don't worry if you put the tv on to get a moment to yourself. Don't stress if he doesn't eat what you make him. Just put it there, give him a set time and then take away. The point is you offered it. If he doesn't like something, ask is it absolutely necessary and if not, leave it out. eg, hates baths - would he like on with you? Or a shower instead? or just a bowl of water in the bath tub with toys to splash about with and you can surreptitiously wash bits of him with a sponge! Try and get rid of your points of conflict where at all possible and don't get physical eg. forcing him to do something. Walk away if he's safe, breath, wait for tantrum to die down, come back and distract. I heard asking questions is a good way to get them out of a tantrum.

Parental leave leave has to be booked in blocks of one week so you can’t do the one day a week thing this way.

https://www.acas.org.uk/parental-leave#:~:text=Each%20parent%20can%20take%20up,a%20year%20for%20each%20child

@Letsgotitans the guidance says parental leave is for things connected to the child's welfare and gives various examples. https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave. I don't think it's necessarily as simple as just booking the time off as eg. the employer can require it to be postponed.

Also (this goes to @Calamitousness post above) the right for parental leave is only in complete weeks. So as others have said the best solution is probably 1. Use parental leave for known chunky things like annual nursery closure 2. Use carer's leave for eg child illness and 3. Use annual leave for some time for the OP to herself.

Do you have local single mum friends OP? It's incredibly hard solo parenting a toddler, you need adults around you who get it for mutual support. At the moment its like you've got the worst of both worlds - stress exhaustion and guilt from full time work, stress exhaustion and guilt from being alone with a screamy tiny human and not enjoying it. Whatever you're able to do with work hours, I would prioritise trying to find local friends in the same situation (facebook, Gingerbread, Frolo app?) so at weekends you can drink coffee and chat with other mums who really get it. Even if you only get 20 seconds at a time of coffee and chat between breaking up toddler fights and chasing them around the playground. It helps so much

20 month LO, has just spent 20 minutes screaming in the corner because I said "it's Sunday mummy would like to watch Gardners world now, I've read to you, you've had breakfast it's mummy time"
Absolutely hysterical. Is now quietly playing with junk mail and a cardboard box. I keep trying to quit smoking but I don't know how anyone copes without the few 4 minute breaks it gives me in the day.
My only hope is that because she started at 19 months she will finish early!
You are not Alone!

This stage is a hard one but you should absolutely be using some of your annual leave for self-care. You’re paying for your nursery place so you should not be afraid of using it while you have some down time. Even when I had one in school and one in nursery, I’d often still send younger one in when I was off with older one in school holidays.

Things will feel relentless for you if you have work plus childcare all the time. If you don’t feel you can use some annual leave I’d seriously consider getting in a student babysitter for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon so you can a few hours of downtime/can pop out without the little one.

Lie to who? I thought you just booked it off work, you didn't need to justify to your employer what you were doing with your time off.

Yes! Have a day off (or more) for your own sanity. Don’t worry overly about the money. Obviously you have to bear it in mind, but thinking too far ahead (what if I can’t go back to full-time? etc) is pointless and a waste of mental energy.

Is this what life is like from now on. Awful

A big fat No! It’s a brief developmental stage. It might not seem brief to you now but with each passing week it will be drawing closer to ending. I found it helped to actively try not to let it stress me and almost make jokes about it, eg not going in the car seat is The Ironing Board because they go stiff and straight as a board. I used to remember that and remember all the other parents I’d spoken to who knew exactly what I was talking about. It sounds daft but separating myself with this bit of humour helped me mentally and emotionally.

But, as I said first, you’d be a hell of a lot better off dropping some hours at work.

YANBU about the stage, it's hard.
But just to say mine got much better and more enjoyable from two onwards, no threenager stuff here (difficult babies though!). Not the case for all, but you might have less tricky time ahead than you think.

I hated being a mum most days until mine got to 3 then it started getting easier, 4 is pretty decent and 5 is Lovely, now i have lovely conversations with both of mine. YES sometimes there will be tantrums but pick your battles and ensure that you are teaching your child valuable lessons. This time will pass and you will find yourself missing the cute baby that he was but also being grateful that he isnt so " boring" anymore Haha.

You can also ask to change your work to 4.5 days and work eg every other Friday - a tiny reduction in pay but two days for spa days or errands a month

And join gingerbread of a local single mums Facebook group to find another single mum for playdates at the weekend and maybe babysitting

I had an incredibly stressful job at this stage of my daughter’s life, I didn’t even take her 2nd birthday off work.
Everything was overwhelming, felt like nothing I did was right, couldn’t give 100% to anything, days where I hoped my baby was asleep when I got back because my mind was just overloaded.
It did get better. She’s now a fabulous 11 year old.

You are entitled to 4 weeks unpaid parental leave. Could you take one day a week for 4.5 months. Or even look at compressing your hours to work longer days Mon-Thurs or a 9 day fortnight. Most companies have a flexible work policy.
I agree with everyone this will get better (till he’s a teenager anyway 🤣) try and get some time to yourself. If will make all the difference. The more uptight and frustrated you get the more he will play up. Try and relax about some things. If baths are a fight. Don’t do them every night for now. If he’s happier watching tv while eating then go for it. Don’t make things harder than you need to at the moment. You can bring back standards etc you might have later on.

First of all I want to caveat this with recognising that you probably don’t have the time or headspace for this suggestion but I tried baby signing (makaton) with my kids and it was amazing. Although they didn’t know words they learned signs (mostly pretty easy to learn and fairly intuitive when you look at them) and it dialled down the frustration so much as they knew they could be understood. It doesn’t slow language development as you use words at the same time as the sign.

Expecting to be flamed for the suggestion as I say but if it might work for you it’s worth it.

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

OP your solution here is parental leave (I haven’t read all responses so apologies if suggested). It’s a statutory right for anyone working and employed in the UK and you are entitled 18 weeks for each child to be taken in week chunks (up to 4 at a time) before their 18th birthday. It’s unpaid, cannot be denied (only postponed by your employer with a reason for up to 6 months) and doesn’t come with the jeopardy of permantenly losing a day’s worth of salary if you drop to 4 days. If you can afford it, request a week now. If not, put in a request now for September for a week, save a bit of money for the next couple of months and then have a restorative week to yourself then. I promise this too shall pass - it’s the most tricky bit for sure!

Reduce your hours. Ask your work if you can start out on a temp basis so you don't lose your full time hours straight away. You will feel much more balanced. Also have you had your thyroid tested since giving birth? It can really affect your moods and level of patience when thyroid is out of balance. Happened to me with my second child and I found everything he did annoying. Changed overnight once I started meds.

This phase will pass and things will change.

My child was so obstinate and refused to engage in anything with others to the point they would vomit (on purpose) it was draining and embarrassing! I remember sobbing and questioning having them but they grew out of it and once they started nursery it eventually stopped completely.

I found full-time school with the before and after-school clubs changed my child and gave me daily breathing space.

It’s difficult isn’t? Parenting is such a sacrifice at times. My son was tricky at that age too. I cried a lot as had a stressful job, dogs to walk and another one year old child. Getting out of the house as early as possible helped my mood as I got more time to myself when the kids/dogs had used up their energy outside. Loved getting back and getting a cuppa while they watched some cartoons.

I always felt like I was changing nappies or picking up dog poo.

I know it’s hard but it will pass. Try to stay calm as that will keep him as calm as possible. My friend has a severely autistic child and I don’t know how she copes. That stage will never pass for her.

Without sounding like a dick, try and focus on the things you’re grateful for and try and find time to be silly with him as this time is gone in a flash and he’ll never be this she again. In a few years he’ll be bringing you a drink and kissing your forehead.

Show him love even if it’s hard. It’ll come back to you tenfold!

They are hard work at this age I have - one and one older and expecting third.
Try and find a nice thing to do together every day even if it last 5 mins. If you have some spare cash try new books , an aqua doodle mat off amazon is amazing and no mess ! Threading beads ? Bath crayons. Sometimes they are genuinely a bit bored . Hope it passes xx

I remember the feeling well, and I had a DH to share the load, so I really sympathise. Doing it alone must be hell.

You need some time to yourself. There are a few babysitting websites you could investigate to find someone near you. Find someone to do a regular slot evenings and/or weekends. Look at HomeStart in your area. They train and provide volunteers for a few hours a week for families with pre-school aged DC who need support. I volunteered for them for 6 years when my DC were high school age, precisely because I remembered how tough those early years were.

Join a gym with a creche. I did this. Sometimes I'd actually use the gym but often I'd veer off to the coffee lounge, pick up a newspaper, have a coffee and switch off for 2 hours. It was bliss.

My youngest drove me to distraction and although I loved her I really didn't like her for a long period of time. Exercise helped - burning off energy, getting her into sports at an early age, anything to wear her out (run to that tree, now run to that tree, I'll time you, see if you can do it faster this time, yay you're so fast!).

I now have DGC and recognise the struggles my daughter is going through, so I do what I can to help take some pressure off. I hope you have some family who can help.

Keep reminding yourself this will pass. You'll look back one day and wonder how you got through it, but you will get through it. Before you know it the years have flown and you'll be on MN giving advice and support to a mum just as desperate as you are today.

You're only human, you're doing a great job in tough circumstances. Be kind to yourself.