Is DD babyish? What can your DD9 do?

Honestly by age 9, dolls were long in the past for me at least. Everyone is different obvs but swimming and board games took over from dolls at least for me.

I do wonder what the background is to the buying make up, because that is a strange thing for 9 year olds to say. But if they said it, then it is wrong.

The other girls are allowed to do activities the OPs DD does not want to do or is not allowed to do. There are quite a few things that it sounds like the DD is not allowed to do. What is normal is for children to compromise over what they do. So agreeing to put make up on for a bit and then doing another thing afterwards that OPs DD likes doing.

I agree the bereavement may be impacting. So OP needs to look at some specialist bereavement support if that is the case. But instead everyone is talking about playing with toys and ignoring the real issues.

Crying over lots of minor things is an issue.
Have you ever worked with an adult who cries all the time over minor things? I have. It is incredibly wearing. This is how other 9 year old children feel about 9 year old children who cry a lot.
Your DC has autism and you give an example of him crying because something that was a big deal to him happened. OP gave an example of where the DDs friends wanted to do an activity she did not want to do, so they did it anyway.

You seem to be very selective about what you take from OP's posts. In one breath, you claim she's not being picked on even though her "friends" are pressuring her into buying make-up for them

Yes, the other girls don't have to play with toys if they don't want to, but they also don't need to actively leave their friend out. It's just not nice behaviour, is it?

You also keep going on about her "crying all the time" but seem to be ignoring the fact that she lost her dad at 18 months old and is being raised by a widowed, bereaved parent - as if that kind of trauma isn't going to impact her behaviour and her emotional regulation.

But her some simple make up - pound-shop stuff is fine

Ans have a make up party at yours

She does cry easily. I suggested specialist bereavement support for the OP and her DD.
OP has said herself that her friends are moving away from her. The example she gives is when her friends talk about doing make up, the DD suggests she is not allowed to put on make up, so her friends do their make up anyway leaving her out. Children do not have to do the activities a friend wants to do. It is fine if her friends want to do different things to OPs DD.
The teacher has said the DD over reacts to these situations, so it does not sound like she is being picked on.

Her interests sound fine. I have 9yo twins and one of them is a bit sensitive and I think that is more likely to be the problem. Kids have really low tolerance for this as they age. It’s often seen as manipulative, X cries to get what she wants, to do what she wants, so she goes first etc aId stop babying her and adopt a slightly tough love approach.

This is about teaching resilience and problem solving. Being able to look at a situation logically and apply a solution without resorting to, someone else fix this/ do this, tears is a good thing.

Oh gosh this. It would make more sense bringing back/ having similar to other countries a 'middle school' start high school with year 9 (aged 13/14) not at 11.

Just watching my 9 year old playing Lego after we’ve been out on her scooter. No skincare, TikTok Snapchat or a phone in sight.

Agree.

OP, it might be worth buying and reading Queen Bees and Wannabees, by Rosalind Wiseman, and buying a copy for the clueless teacher too.

I think your daughter sounds as if she is being her own authentic self, and is still unafraid to talk to the other girls honestly ("not allowed to do makeup") but she's swimming with a bunch of sharks in school, and they have clearly decided she's their target. This is because she reminds them they've lost their true selves.

There is probably one "leader" among the girls and the rest have fallen in around her.

She can’t help crying! My DS cried at about fourteen when he won an award and one of the handles fell off the cup! He’s autistic but so what? Lots of children are sensitive.

No one was annoyed at all because the kids and teachers at his school were kind. Maybe if we taught kids (and teachers) to be kind and a bit more understanding, we wouldn’t have to tell nine year olds to stop themselves from crying in order to make everyone else more comfortable.

Do you allow her to do make up ?

As you post she says what can we do if not allowed

My now 7 loves make up at 6 and would so it with friends

Snapchat for a 9yr - shudders. Imo no need

Also means they have their own mobile phone with internet access which I think can be an issue at 9

She's a nine year old child being raised by a widowed parent, who lost her dad when she was just eighteen months old.

She's also being picked on and left out by her so-called "friends" on a regular basis, and is even told she should buy her friends make-up FGS.

Maybe look at the bigger picture here. This isn't about a little girl who cries easily.

@fieldsofbutterflies no one likes when 9 year olds frequently burst into tears.

I think there is nothing wrong with 9 yos playing with toys. No harm in encouraging some independence though so perhaps stop babying her. That sounds like you are doing that for your benefit.

The more you post, the more it unfortunately sounds like she's at school with a group of girls that she doesn't gel with for whatever reason.

I remember being the same at a similar age, I just didn't fit in and there just weren't enough girls in our year for multiple friendship groups.

I think loads of replies are missing the point. I don't think that she plays with toys is the main point at all.
The main issue seems to be how she cries very easily and she sounds babyish in her communication in the examples you give.
Is she not allowed to play with make up? Is she generally allowed to do less than other girls her age? Because if the answer is yes, then this will isolate her.
When she talks about friends leaving her out, what is your response to this?
I wonder if you would benefit from bereavement support to her and to you? Your own bereavement may be part of the reason you are babying her more and not encouraging her to be more resilient.
Make up at this age is just playing. But there will be other girls who do not want to play with make up either. But the fact she cries easily will put many of these girls off.

Just read all your replies and saw mention of a village school. Our worst time was at a village school, fortunately we moved away. But limited friendship choices and mixed year groups, where the younger tried to keep up with the older kids who were as much as 2yrs older. It wasn't a great time and seeing the same kids outside of school and at activities. Very cliquey and Mums who took their primary age daughters on "spa dates". All the kids were glad to be out of that school.

My youngest DD is (just!) An adult now, she struggled in high school in the same way. Seen as babyish, but in some ways was more adult that her peers. She's slightly quirky still likes toys and parks. In her case she channelled this into Girlguiding and scouting - Lots of outdoor games, crafts and fun practical skills and no encouragement of skincare regimes and make up at a ridiculous age. She is still involved with scouting now and encourages kids to be kids.

Some of the replies from posters on this thread are awful. Nine isn't a healthy age to be obsessed with their looks, it should be normal for them still to be playing, I know plenty of older boys who still play. Why are we doing this to our girls?

Absolutely teach her grown up skills - cooking, eating healthily, helping at home, growing things some light DIY (as you would also teach boys). But there is still plenty of room for play. If she likes parks, then what about outward bound type holidays - play parks for older kids and I'd definitely recommend girlguiding or scouts.

I would be more concerned if my 9 year old were interested in makeup and beauty regimes at 9. Ffs at that age they should be more into playing and parks and arts and crafts. Why are people so insistent on speeding their kids through childhood?

And maybe it's time for her to get her hair cut into a more manageable style for her to handle independently?

This sounds like all the stuff I was doing at 9... Although I could play very contentedly by myself. I'd say I was still playing with toys until I moved up to secondary school.

But there's a fine line between letting a child be a child, and encouraging her to move up the maturity ladder in line with her friends. The fact that her friends seem to be drifting away is the most concerning part.

I don't think she sounds particularly babyish.

I do think so of the other girls sound like mean girls though.

I have ages either side of yours but if I used the 8 year old as an example, he:-

goes to cubs (so does weekends away with them)

swims independently, can collect 'sinkers'
from the bottom of the deep end etc

bakes independently (easily with the pre prepared boxes/packet mixes)

he make a cup of tea

can fly his drone

sorts his rabbits out daily

showers himself and washes his own hair

likes to play at the park

likes to play with play doh

likes to play remote control cars, go on trampoline, get his teepee out in the garden and teddies

I wouldn't let him have Snapchat, a device etc at his age. I think it's probably a bit of an overlapping age of all sorts they are in too

I I think she sounds fine and maybe she just needs nicer friends (and their parents)

I played with toys and Barbies up until around 11, when I went to secondary school. Even then I still played with these little plastic horses and riders with a friend who was 2 years younger.
I don't think it seems fair to try and tell her that her interests aren't grown up enough.
Help her with independence. Cooking, shopping, making things, fixings things in the home. You can teach her her these practical skills, but why shouldn't a 9 yo still like playing with toys?
She'll definitely grow out of it when she moves up schools I'd say.