Is DD babyish? What can your DD9 do?

The girls are no longer friends with your DD it seems. I am not sure why you are still focussing on them? Move on and encourage your DD to do the same.

"My eldest is friends with the elder brother of the "leader" and while on the phone with him, she can clearly hear the "leader" saying "let's phone xxxxx and tell her we're having a sleepover""
I would be very sceptical that your eldest just happened to be on the phone at the right time to hear this. Take this with a pinch of salt OP.

I don't think the interests are the problem, but crying and babyish behavior definitely are.

Yes. I agree with you. In my experience, there are always a few girls in a class who have little interest in make up etc. seems odd that OPs DD is the one odd one out. Shame she can’t find like minded little girls.

She probably will be able to find new friends but it's hard isn't it at 9 to find a whole new friendship group.

I mean there are women on this site still trying to navigate it all!

Is your DD not allowed to go to the sleepover or not invited?

This can happen, the worst thing is , no one will dare to step out of line in case they become a target like your DD, so they all become copies of each other. DD isn't toeing the line so they're trying to bully her into submission by showing her she's "missing out". Normally this starts a bit later , but it's obvious these girls are doing everything too early.

My advice would be to expand DD's social circle, clubs,activities, inviting other kids over ,playdates,sleepovers etc. She'll be too busy having fun to care , plus she might actually make some real,nice friends.

Does sound as if the others are going along/trying to fit in so as not to be ostracised/bullied themselves.

@purplerobot

That's truly horrible.

There is something wrong in the life of the 'leader' here.
"Getting ready..." - do they know for what?
What are they trying to process here?

If you haven't read it yet, can I again recommend Queen Bees and Wannabees, by Rosalind Wiseman. It will describe the dynamics at play here and prepare you for the next few years.

I would definitely make sure the school is aware of the toxicity.

@MyQuaintDog - her former friend, who was just like her a few months ago, has ditched her and is now friends with another girl, doing snapchat 'get ready with me' videos, and suggesting the OP's child buy makeup for her and the new friend.

Literally a few months ago her best friend was the same as DD. Now the best friend has dropped her for another girl, and this girl is very much "skincare" and doing "get ready with me" videos on Snapchat. This other girl is very outgoing and vocal (and actually quite mean!)

New friend is the Queen Bee. Old friend is now an acolyte of the QB. The entire class will become divided into QB and CO and outsiders.

This!

at 9 years old why are children doing skin care and make up, they should still be playing with toys, enjoying brownies and playing. Quite sad to think girls are losing childhood so young if it’s not like this

It's only when I reached adulthood and realised I probably had ASD that I realised it's ok to be sensitive and cry.

What a horrible thing for a teacher to say! Some 9 year olds can be pretty tween and others are still very young by comparison.

My daughter is nearly 10 and still dolly obsessed. She makes videos of herself caring for them. She loves to run around playing mums and dads at the park. She is a typical girl of her age

Exactly this, well said.

Sounds like you're doing a great job, OP

Have parents of young children doing skincare not picked up at least on the physical harm this is doing to young skins?

As for 9 years old being too old for childish pursuits how very, very, very sad.

To paraphrase a well known expression: we're a long time adult, no need to enforce an even shorter childhood

Yes. I agree with you. In my experience, there are always a few girls in a class who have little interest in make up etc. seems odd that OPs DD is the one odd one out. Shame she can’t find like minded little girls.

@mathanxiety they are not shunning her.

And this little girl turned 9 only last week...

I think a certain amount might be considered normal - lip gloss, a little perfume (philosophy have some child friendly scents), some nice body lotion to apply after a shower, nail polish, some simple jewellery would all be fun. Playing with different hairstyles would also be normal. Maybe even some dip dyeing in the summer holiday - all of this can be fun for a girl of 9 or 10. I'll go out on a limb here and even suggest getting ears pierced can also be a normal and exciting thing to have done around this age.

But eyeshadow, eye liner, doing eyebrows, mascara, lipstick, disguising freckles, dyeing hair all over, cutting hair in a radical style, getting highlights, etc would be going too far, imo.

But shunning a classmate who hasn't done any of that and isn't interested is another problem altogether.

This is wise.

I do feel it's important for kids to realise that there is a big wide world out there that is separate from the social world of school that can sometimes feel like a powder keg.

Outside interests ease the pressure to fit in in school. Sports, drama, art, music, or volunteering can all help a child find her strengths and perhaps find her tribe too.

The slings and arrows of school life won't hurt as much if a child has a connection to - forminstance - horses, a netball team, acting classes, a choir, a dance school, an art club, etc.

Totally agree. In my opinion, it’s not normal to be into skin care and make-up at 9. I see some 9 and 10 year olds acting like teenagers and I think it’s sad. Childhood is short enough as it is in my opinion.

I agree its normal. But its just a version of face paint. They are playing. In the same way children used to dress up in mums old dresses and high heel shoes.

It’s EXTREMELY normal! Playing at it at least.

My youngest was a bit like this but suddenly matured. When she was turning 10 she wanted squishmallows and little collectible things and crafty things nth s etc for her birthday. Perfectly fine. Some of her friends were turning 10 at the same time and wanted Nike pro leggings, Nike pro socks etc all Nike pro. Gucci this and Vivienne Westwood that. School backpack out the window and handbag in. They wanted expensive make up and hair products. I was in a salon where one of the mothers works and she was telling her child had ditched all her toys and was asking for all these ‘teen’ items. To be honest she also had older teen siblings and cousins etc so was basically copying them. There was a group of these girls. They just al seemed to want to grow up more. They were all summer birthdays too and noticeably younger than the September birthdays in their class who were about to turn 11 and who some looked like teenagers.

however DD is 11 now and in secondary and has made new friends and has suddenly decided she’s into fashion and make up and doing her hair. Unlike her older teen sibling who couldn’t care less still. She also more independent now and goes out with her friends with a key and her bank card. A year ago I couldn’t leave her in the house ever but now she’s happy to be left when I take her sibling to clubs. She makes her own food, bakes, can tidy and sort her own room etc. Her older sibling finds this all harder but they’re autistic. But I do think kids all develop at their own speed. My DD has a couple of friends at an out of school activity who are still y6 primary and one who is almost a year younger age wise but this younger girl has more designer make ups and perfumes than even I would have. But she has a mum who also likes those things herself.

Exactly this! If she was 15 it would be an issue, but she's 9!!!

I have a 9 yo granddaughter and she is 50/50 child and teenager. She pleaded with me to taker her and 2 friends to a recently opened Sephora and said it was the ’the best day ever’ but she will also play with toys, do craft etc.
In response to those who say that kids should have a more traditional childhood, I would say that it’s probably an unrealistic expectation, especially in an urban environment. 21st Century kids will live a 21st Century childhood. In response to OPs dilemma, it’s important for kids to keep pace with at least some of their peer group because otherwise her confidence will suffer. As others have said, maybe emphasise her strengths and personal qualities. Also, it may be worth looking up ‘growth mindset’.