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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you sack nanny over this?

554 replies

YourMerryBrickRobin · 07/06/2024 23:42

AHave name changed as potentially outing.

Nanny has been with us for 6 years, since our joint biological eldest turned 1 (DH has two kids aged 18 and 14, eldest lives with us full time youngest visits in school holidays)

We have never really had any problems although we will admit a boundary has been slightly pushed lately but we let it go- her long term boyfriend was left homeless, so we agree he could TEMPORARILY move on but would be in the caravan outdoors as he wasn’t DBS checked and didn’t want him staying in the house. He seems a nice enough guy and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t harm my children and appreciate a DBS doesn’t stop that, but it was a boundary we put in place.

He started coming into the house around the DC while we weren’t there. Got a bit more annoyed, but chose not to rock the boat as Nanny is a diamond

Anyway today- she left our youngest (9 months) in the care of her boyfriend while she went and collected DS from nursery, which is literally a 5 minute walk away. Reason being- we had DDs car seat in our car. She didn’t attempt to contact either me or DH (we are both self employed and always within 10-15 miles of home) despite noticing this morning when she was going to take her to the park (DH dropped DS off, we have 2 same stage car seats hence why it wasn’t an issue with DS this morning)

Im pissed off if I’m honest. Like I said, nice enough guy but don’t know him well enough to look after my child even if it was for under 10 minutes

AIBU?

OP posts:
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PoppyGalore1 · 18/02/2025 20:37

@MasterOfCake I didn’t clock the time stamp as the thread was displaying as a ‘similar thread’, therefore I assumed it was more recent.

MasterOfCake · 18/02/2025 20:26

PoppyGalore1 · 18/02/2025 20:19

I would be fuming! Yes I would sack her on the spot.

Show quote history

It was 8 months ago, I’m sure OP has resolved it by now and no longer needs your opinion.

PoppyGalore1 · 18/02/2025 20:19

YourMerryBrickRobin · 07/06/2024 23:42

AHave name changed as potentially outing.

Nanny has been with us for 6 years, since our joint biological eldest turned 1 (DH has two kids aged 18 and 14, eldest lives with us full time youngest visits in school holidays)

We have never really had any problems although we will admit a boundary has been slightly pushed lately but we let it go- her long term boyfriend was left homeless, so we agree he could TEMPORARILY move on but would be in the caravan outdoors as he wasn’t DBS checked and didn’t want him staying in the house. He seems a nice enough guy and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t harm my children and appreciate a DBS doesn’t stop that, but it was a boundary we put in place.

He started coming into the house around the DC while we weren’t there. Got a bit more annoyed, but chose not to rock the boat as Nanny is a diamond

Anyway today- she left our youngest (9 months) in the care of her boyfriend while she went and collected DS from nursery, which is literally a 5 minute walk away. Reason being- we had DDs car seat in our car. She didn’t attempt to contact either me or DH (we are both self employed and always within 10-15 miles of home) despite noticing this morning when she was going to take her to the park (DH dropped DS off, we have 2 same stage car seats hence why it wasn’t an issue with DS this morning)

Im pissed off if I’m honest. Like I said, nice enough guy but don’t know him well enough to look after my child even if it was for under 10 minutes

AIBU?

I would be fuming! Yes I would sack her on the spot.

loropianalover · 01/10/2024 18:37

DoubleMM · 01/10/2024 18:35

If she really is a diamond then think twice about sacking BUT you need to have discussion with her about this. it could be fine, it could be a total disaster. but you need to have very clear agreement about when he has contact with your children and that he is not the nanny so he never does her job

I think we’re a bit past this…

DoubleMM · 01/10/2024 18:35

If she really is a diamond then think twice about sacking BUT you need to have discussion with her about this. it could be fine, it could be a total disaster. but you need to have very clear agreement about when he has contact with your children and that he is not the nanny so he never does her job

Catsmere · 17/06/2024 23:39

Hopefully she's busy giving the boyfriend his marching orders.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/06/2024 23:11

Shame really

I Like it when get update

Esp
When have replied a few times

Catsmere · 17/06/2024 22:52

I don't think OP is coming back.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/06/2024 22:47

@YourMerryBrickRobin what did nanny do when she returned

Did you have the chat /written warning

Tho I said before sure have to have a verbal one first before written but guess what context says

And did you say bf can't come into the house

Or just that you didn't want him staying there which to me means sleeping

Hence the caravan

Catsmere · 17/06/2024 22:29

Yeah, but one who's known she was a nanny all that time. They can play a very long game when getting at children is the objective. (Not saying he did, but it's not unknown.)

mupersum1 · 17/06/2024 22:29

@TriciaA1991

Yes, she has not done as asked, but how many of you do EXACTLY as asked 100% of the time

When it comes to looking after someone else's kids I think most people, let alone a professional caregiver, would do just that.

TriciaA1991 · 17/06/2024 21:58

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/06/2024 16:12

Op said it was a long term relationship

So assuming together 2/3yrs so half the time been in the job

Exactly. So not a man coming in to groom at two minutes notice!

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/06/2024 16:12

Op said it was a long term relationship

So assuming together 2/3yrs so half the time been in the job

Dollymaker · 17/06/2024 12:16

So inclined people will take any opportunity even in one minute. One boundary violation blurs the next, hence why you stick to them religiously. Also, the so inclined will seek out those single mums who need help. Or nannies who allow access. It's called grooming.

TheLadyOfTheFlowers · 17/06/2024 09:12

As an example of something much worse, a childminder I used while I had some of mine at nursery and the eldest was at schhol didn't use a safety belt for mine as she changed cars and din't have enough [sic]

It is not a race to the bottom - but if it was I think, on balance, leaving a vulnerable baby in the "care" of a pretty much unknown man for any length of time (and this probably wasn't the first time - just the first time she was caught) wins that race.

TriciaA1991 · 17/06/2024 09:01

Jochef · 17/06/2024 06:34

Why did you have the car seat ?
Sack her, she is taking the piss.

I cannot believe how many are saying sack the nanny - wonder how many have had nannies. Having had four and only one (an unqualified younger frend who did it as a short term emergency when my My Mum was ill) was anything like good, then, if this one has been good for six years, it needs negotiation and thought. She will not appreciate her boyfriend is a threat - she will think he is safe. Yes, she has not done as asked, but how many of you do EXACTLY as asked 100% of the time. Do you want to end up with a much worse nanny if this one has been wonderful for 6 years?? As an example of something much worse, a childminder I used while I had some of mine at nursery and the eldest was at schhol didn't use a safety belt for mine as she changed cars and din't have enough. He was the oldest in the car apparently (at 4 or 5 - he had just started school).

Jochef · 17/06/2024 06:34

Why did you have the car seat ?
Sack her, she is taking the piss.

Another2356 · 16/06/2024 07:54

You just need to discuss this with her calmly. I can understand that she probably didn’t see the harm, but you need to give her some advice and boundaries.

TheLadyOfTheFlowers · 16/06/2024 00:00

Missmousie · 15/06/2024 23:56

Have I missed something ? How can the nanny have been with you 6 years and still only be 18.

Yes you have missed something -

About a zillion posts saying the same thing, and a zillion people answering that it is the OP's SD that is 18 not the nanny

Lyraloo · 15/06/2024 23:59

HollyKnight · 15/06/2024 22:17

@Blondeshavemorefun

You say your employers gave you free rein, so does that mean there was a conversation at some point where they gave you permission to have people over? If not, then I just can't imagine not even asking "Is it ok if my bf pops in later?" when I'm in someone else's house. The OP's nanny never asked nor did the OP give permission for this man to be in her house, let alone for him to be left alone in her house and alone with her baby.

I don't think it is micromanaging to expect to be asked if that is ok.

It’s the nanny’s home as well, if you have a live in nanny it’s unreasonable to think they can never have friends or family over. My daughter was a nanny for 20 years and worked all over the world. Myself and her friends were always made very welcome when she lived in!

Missmousie · 15/06/2024 23:56

Have I missed something ? How can the nanny have been with you 6 years and still only be 18.

NDmumoftwo · 15/06/2024 22:36

You don't have any boundaries. You have rules which are broken because you don't enforce them

HollyKnight · 15/06/2024 22:31

No, she shouldn't need to say she doesn't want him in the house. The default position is that he's not to come in unless the OP says yes. It's not a grey area at all. Staying in a caravan in the garden is not permission to come into the home. It is just permission to stay in a caravan in the garden.

BirthdayRainbow · 15/06/2024 22:29

It is indefensible as she left the child with the boyfriend. That is only okay if the parents had said it was. Which they clearly didn't.

HollyKnight · 15/06/2024 22:27

That's good. That's how it should be. A nanny shouldn't just bring strangers in without there being a discussion at some point. And she definitely shouldn't be leaving them alone in the house or with the children. The OP's nanny showed a terrible lack of judgment which rightly could lose her her job.

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