To be totally perplexed how to help my teenager have a life?!

How about you both go and try new groups, volunteering, exercise and activities together. I am not suggesting forever, but to give support and it could be yoga, helping out with a local venue or theatre, scouts, park run, warhammer, St John, anything, but you help her on the first step. Don't worry about the ages first off, friends come in networks, just the act of communicating builds the confidence. Re. education, look at the OUs open learn and explore her options and look at the pathways, as to what next. I struggled with friends, but not real friendships, so go for quality over quantity. Small steps work.

I think you're right that she's depressed and that a combination of anti-depressants and counselling would help a lot, if she's able to engage with these.

I think this can be a tricky moment for 18 year olds, especially if they see former friends going off travelling, to uni and they aren't doing the same. But the thing to reminder her of is that a)life is long and no one knows how its going to turn out for anyone, and b) that she's making some real achievements. She's nearly done an apprenticeship and she stuck it out even though it was hard and not what she really wanted. So she's resilient and determined.

Would she have a chat with you about short term and long term goals, and could you agree small steps towards each? A short term goal might be "attend a board games meet up (or similar) and talk to one person" but the steps would be even smaller e.g. look up meet ups, choose one, plan route, book ticket - she might need help with each. It might be easier for her if you have some goals too. Maybe an area of life you want to improve, something you want to try - could you ask her for advice?

I would also try to resist convincing her that an event, or hobby, or trip is going to be amazing/fun, when she says it will be dull and pointless. Maybe it will be dull and pointless - some things are. But what else would you do in that time? And if nothing else, you'll learn you don't want to do it again.

Has she ever loved anything? Even as a child? Maybe back to that…

There are some great suggestions here. I hope you find something that works.
I think she needs to find her "thing"....the thing she enjoys and gives her satisfaction. When she finds her "thing" it will likely lead to meeting like minded people who she can build friendships with. I think the best thing you can do is give her as many suggestions as you can and try and book things you can do together which may spark an interest.

For example, do a pottery taster session or look at the craft sessions at HobbyCraft. (Classbento has some good craft things you can do). Getting involved in something artistic can be very soothing and give you a lot of satisfaction.
You don't need to be very artistic - I'm not. I took up sewing things like bags which suits me better as I am a precise person and took it as a craft to learn. Would she possibly be interested in sewing?

Definitely try and encourage her to volunteer. How about Scouts? She could get involved with the little ones like Squirrels and Beavers if that suits her better.

I hope things improve. I'm in a sort of similar situation with my 20 year old son. He's at uni but doesn't do much other than that and watch football. I know he is going to spend all summer slumped on the couch watching footie despite my best efforts to get him other interests. He has a few friends but they make no effort to meet up and do things.
Life is very different for young people today isn't it?

Would she take a tech detox and get rid of the console for a month? Just being sat playing games I think is not a natural state for a late teen and just feeds the solitude and depression. She needs to do some exercise - could you suggest doing the couch to 5k with her? Do you have a local parkrun? It’s an incredibly supportive and fun event - social too, lots of young runners.
could you go away together for a long weekend? Barcelona? Lisbon? Or wales if out of budget etc? Just to give a bit of wanderlust, show her what’s out there? Get her out of an evening having a beer taking in a new culture. Some hiking, some art, new horizons etc - show her there’s more to life than the 4 walls of her bedroom?

So, it's very very difficult when you're anxious or depressed, but the feelings of fear and of not wanting to do anything don't really change by themselves. And unaddressed, they cause your world to shrink, nibbling away at your comfort zone over time.
So you have to force yourself to do something consistently for a while, even if it's scary, even if you don't really want to or enjoy it at the time, and just trust that the fear will go and the enjoyment will come after some time. Gritting your teeth and doing it anyway because you know it's good for you. Expanding your comfort zone over time and in small, manageable steps, so there's more of the world you can exist and feel ok in.

It feels completely overwhelming when depressed, and I do sympathise, but unless you're one of the percentage of people that the meds work for, then you have to do it yourself (she has to do it herself) because there aren't other options. Therapy can support in this if she'd engage with it.

The (scientifically researched and proven effective) foundations for a healthy mind are: decent sleep, good nutrition & hydration, exercise, meditation and connection with other people. Being in green nature also scores pretty highly. So creating that in her life and then getting her to engage with activities which promote those things are the places to start.

If you have a bit of spare money, there's some quite interesting research on Flow Neuroscience as well, which is an electrical stimulation alternative to antidepressants - but it's only something I've read about and one friend is currently trying, so no personal info on that ATM.

She sounds very depressed but doesn't seem to recognise it. I think in her current mindset she isn't going to want to do any of the things suggested. First step is get her to recognise that her own barrier is her mental health. Then support her in healing it, maybe using as others have suggested some alternatives to anti depressants like cbt, counselling and also convincing her to engage in some physical activity. Once she is feeling more positive she will be open to activities which open up her social life.

Bless her, sounds like she's finding ife difficult. Quite a ot of the things you mention do hint at autism? Females mask very well and t can be difficult to spot, but struggling to socialise with peers, no real interests, general sort of fatigue about life, opting for a bland/not great diet, wanting friends but not really knowing how to form and maintain friendships, struggling with/not liking phone conversations, not particularly into fitness, perhaps feeling more at ease around an older generation bit then feeling on the periphery, gaming ...

Maybe have a look into it, the GP could help with an asd assessment although it does take time. Reading around a bit and researching yourself about females with ASD, there are lots of free online courses including level 2 understanding autism that might help you and her to understand her difficulties are quite common in autistic folk ... From there, you'd be able to look for local support groups that might attract similar mindee teens. Just a thought. I was very similar to this as a teen, never felt like I fitted in an always felt a bit sort of on the outside of life looking in, if that makes sense, unale to find my place.

Ignore me if you've already looked into this and discounted autism though, and my apologies for any offence caused.

Things that might help:
A therapy pet for sensory calming/relaxation such as an older cat

Spending time volunteering or helping in a nursery or l people home(ASD folk tend to relate well sometimes to the very young or very old and it may be an area of work she hasn't thought of)

Looking into relaxing/mindful hobbies she might enjoy that can be very soothing such as crochet, cross-stitch, or even mindful colouring/water-colour painting

A swimming pass or some kind of exercise equipment for at home if possible, as team spots and classes might be overwhelming / sensory overload but there may be some form of exercise she'd enjoy doing alone such as rowing machine, skipping ropes, weights with some links to online exercises that would help build her self esteem and release happy chemicals

Trying a little bit of cooking together at home and/or treating er to a little online nutrition course with videos and certification such as centre of excellence...

Best of luck, feel free to message me if you'd like to chat x

Would she be up for volunteering at a cat shelter? Cats Protection round our way are looking for volunteers, plus some independent ones.

If she likes gaming you can find local gaming groups? My DD was quite similar all through secondary until she went to college and found her people in a gaming club. It's not all online, they do meet up and do table top gaming as well.

A very big hug for you and your daughter. I was very much her at 18. In my first job, I mostly worked with much older women who were very kind to me but naturally we didn’t socialise. I was struggling with the lingering impact of a horrible journey through school, with a lot of bullying and isolation. I don’t have a magic solution to offer, only support your girl to find what she really cares about - be it cats or crossfit, and then just do it. Find others who like what you like, they’re out there. She can drive, which means she can get out and find places to explore - on her own at first, then perhaps with others. We look to peers a lot for our identities when we’re younger, but character comes from taking time to work out who we are as separate people.

Can she do an evening course in something practical if she’s not up for full on college? There’s something to be said for specialising in something ‘boring’ like payroll etc etc… she could get a public sector/civil service job. They offer great annual leave and flexibility, and will often have lots of socialising too.

Definitely try some sort of volunteering which isn't too high pressure, such as helping out at a local primary school. They are always desperate for helpers! Kids are awesome and so accepting, and she will feel really useful and valued. This will get her out of the house on her days off and into a busy, fun environment. Also look into joining a choir, a pop type of choir. Singing together is so brilliant for mental health. Getting back into education sounds like it would be helpful but she could start with something relaxed and fun like a craft class of some kind rather than hugely academic. Good luck, she has you, so she has immense love and support to get her where she needs to be in time.

Yeah. The easy answer is that she needs to get out and be around people her age, school or work. That’s where kids her age meet people and make friends. So if she needs the jobs with the 40 yo for stability that’s great. But she should pick something else up pt to work an a more socially advantageous setting.

The harder answer is that she needs to solve the problems that she has.

I think going back to some form of education would be the best thing. It sounds as though she doesn't like the job and won't find friends her own age at least in the near future. If she didn't get on with A levels she could do a different type of course at college. Or maybe she just chose the wrong A Levels? My son ended up changing all of his subjects.

Could she do duke of edinburgh?
she’s still young enough to join youth groups. I think going to college is a good idea but she should do some online self esteem
stuff to help her confidence so she can put herself out there to make friends.
good luck

"Workshops- you could book a session with your daughter to learn a new skill or craft, this can be a fun way to learn something, bond with your daughter, maybe gain a hobby and model ways to talk to others." - I think this is a great idea from emmama2.

OP, if you don't mind answering, how often are you going out with your daughter? As a family or only you two? How much quality time do you spend with her?

A few suggestions-
Coaching/counselling- to help support her through the transition and build those skills needed for friendships
Youth group- a supported way to get her with a group of young people
Going back to college
Volunteering- this can be a great way to give her some confidence and make friends quickly. Scouting is always very quick moving to get volunteers in.
Change in job or taking on part time work over the weekend.
Workshops- you could book a session with your daughter to learn a new skill or craft, this can be a fun way to learn something, bond with your daughter, maybe gain a hobby and model ways to talk to others.

All that being said it is really hard if she's not ready to take any steps towards changing the situation. It's really hard for a parent to break through that. Is there another trusted adult that could talk to her about how she's feeling?

Could she try volunteering? Helping others is a way to start feeling good about yourself.

My DC2 (also female) ended up dropping out of sixth form due to mental health issues. I won't go into it all but suffice to say it was hard and the support from the NHS was non-existent. Eventually she discovered an interest in a particular subject and decided to start taking an a level in it online. (I had no part in this, it was all from her.)
Eventually, she decided she would like to do an apprenticeship in that subject.
She was successful and now has a full time job working from home in the subject of her apprenticeship. She can go on to do an additional apprenticeship which will fully qualify her to work for herself in a fairly lucrative career.
It took two and a half years for my DD to emerge from her poor mental health - and what eventually made the difference was medication (prior to this she was resistant).
It was an awful time and trying to be endlessly patient was extremely draining and took its toll on my own mental health.
It's difficult, but hang in there, @cookie4640.
It might take time, but things will eventually resolve.

I think before she can move on, she has to deal with her mental health and social anxiety. Would she consider counselling? It would be helpful to speak to someone more neutral who can help her to find the tools and strength to take steps towards a future she wants. It isn't a quick cure but small steps. Good luck to her.

I suggest her to go on the NHS counselling list, it will take a few months. It's ok if she doesn't want to be on antidepressants, don't pressure her. Tell her to register for counselling and not to worry about it now. Because anyway the list is long, it may take up to a year until someone will see her. She obviously needs someone to help her a little bit with understanding what's wrong in her life and give her a professional advice.

Depression and anxiety is terrible. I hope you'll have patience, understanding and won't pressure her to do anything ASAP as long as she's not comfortable to do it. She may need a few more months or maybe years to get over it.

Alternatively, if she doesn't want counselling but is eager to understand herself she can start reading books about personal development, anxiety, depression from reliable psychologist. Or watch some YouTube videos about it.

About friends, she can check meetup.com and join any meetings with other people. People meet there not only for specific hobbies, but to go out for a drink, in a club, a museum, etc. It's fun and no expectations from anyone to become friends for life after it. You can do a Google search, there should be other websites similar with meetup.

Once she'll feel better, she can always go back to her studies in a year or two. There's no need to pressure her to do it all together and ASAP, it won't help.

I worked in a busy city centre bar at her age, ready made gang to go out with. Or perhaps encourage to find a more sociable / younger crowd job?