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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ignore school mum's pain

228 replies

tokibiko · 07/06/2024 21:07

One of DD's best friends at school (aged 7) has parents whose marriage appears to be on the rocks. I don't know the mum well - it's more of a hi/bye thing at drop off and pick up - but bumped into her on the street the other day. She randomly burst into tears and made all sorts of serious allegations against her husband, none of them I want to repeat here because they could be outing her/me. The allegations are all to do with the dad's behaviour against the mum, not DD's friend. The woman seems to be in a bad way and on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know the family well enough to know if she is telling the truth or to speak to the dad for his side of the story (nor do I want to). The best friend seems happy and cheerful whenever I see her at drop off / pick up time - but obviously I do have a concern about whether the child in question would be picking up on the aforementioned issues at home, should the allegations be real.

AIBU to ignore this? Or should I speak to someone at school (e.g. safeguarding contact, even though at this point the concern is for the school mum rather than the children).

Edited to add - I was sworn to secrecy by the mum. She doesn't want to take it up with anyone.

OP posts:
totallynotstressingatall · 07/06/2024 22:45

Jesus Christ.

She is probably in bits at home thinking that you’re going to start gossiping about her or worse…

I really doubt she was planning on telling it sounds like it just came tumbling out.

You can do two things

  1. ignore - don’t get involved
  2. ask to see if she would like to go for a coffee.

Tbh OP in your shoes I would ignore because your instinct when a woman who is in a state and blurts out she is being abused is to ponder if it’s true, consider reporting it officially and talk about it in MN.

Do not go to the school

If a school mum/any one had told me this I’d believe them and see if they needed help!

If this is true then your reaction has really irritated me.

Gcsunnyside23 · 07/06/2024 22:43

I would maybe ask her for a coffee so you can speak to her while she's not so upset. You don't need to get involved but her telling you might be the spur she needs to get help

iamreallyabee · 07/06/2024 22:40

tokibiko · 07/06/2024 21:14

This is my dilemma. I'm very reluctant to get involved. She clearly needs help but does not seem to want to take it up with anyone.

What is the best way to get her the help given the situation?

Show quote history

The best thing you can do is be there for her to talk to

KTheGrey · 07/06/2024 22:38

You could try and signpost her to help. With respect it sounds unlikely you personally have the skills and experience to help her, but maybe you can get her to go to her GP or Women's Aid for support? Or report to police or instruct a solicitor if the situation warrants it?

Alicewinn · 07/06/2024 22:36

rather than try & fix anything for her could you be a friend to her & take her for a cuppa?

LoreleiG · 07/06/2024 22:34

Gosh what a dilemma. I think it depends what the allegations are. If he hits her for example then I think you probably should speak to a safeguarding lead regarding the child. I’d be worried it might escalate and I could have done something about it.

SheSaidHummingbird · 07/06/2024 22:32

@tokibiko Meet her for coffee. Stress how important it is for her to reach out to whatever help she needs. Suggest who she can ask for help/ where she can go e.g GP, Women's Aid, Citizen's Advice.

Even if she doesn't take action at least you know that you tried to help without directly intervening. As you say, you have no evidence so at this point you can't do much more than signpost.

Original poster
tokibiko · 07/06/2024 22:20

Anxiousheartbeat · 07/06/2024 22:03

No, that’s not true. I don’t disbelieve her but as I said above I’ve had very very bad experience with someone who leaned on me heavily/way too much for mental health and emotional support when she was a school mother I didn’t know. It was a nightmare.

they are not friends. Directing her towards resources and looping in the school is appropriate.

more than that is going to involve way too much for OP, a stranger.

Show quote history

Just to say, @Anxiousheartbeat as you've added a few posts on this thread, that I do see where you are coming from. I had a similar experience before - not a school mum, but someone I met briefly at a networking event, and they ended up telling me about their life problems when we next met, and tried hard to be friends and to lean on me when it was clear that we had very little in common and no real basis for a friendship beyond this person's desire to lean on me for emotional support. At the time I dealt with it by declining their subsequent invitations to meet up, saying I was busy. They then sent a final message saying something along the lines of "I'm assuming that you don't want to be friends then" which I didn't reply to, and to this day I'm glad I didn't as to me, it didn't warrant a response tbh.

This current situation is obviously very different in many aspects. I'm not worried about my boundaries, but dislike getting into situations where I can spot a mile off that my boundaries are going to be tested.

Offering a listening ear and practical advice (e.g. "maybe you should lawyer up") is definitely on the cards here. But is there anything else I should or could do.

OP posts:
Anxiousheartbeat · 07/06/2024 22:12

Anyway I’m leaving this thread as I don’t want to derail - OP just wanted to share that I think in these situations you can end up
being quite involved, even when you don’t want to be, and it can be a lot/you can resent it. So just be mindful of that! Good luck

Anxiousheartbeat · 07/06/2024 22:08

YouwouldthinkIhavemoresense · 07/06/2024 22:05

I agree with this. I find that remark very callous to be honest.

Show quote history

Maybe it’s callous. As I said, you have no idea the nightmare I went through and how much time and energy I gave up to help someone for 2 whole years. That’s obviously shaped how I feel about it - I massively regret it and wish I hadn’t helped at all beyond reporting.

🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s very easy to say to help when it’s an online internet forum

YouwouldthinkIhavemoresense · 07/06/2024 22:05

Pennyandolive · 07/06/2024 21:33

But that’s where you needed to draw boundaries. You can help someone and still keep a healthy distance and look after yourself. To ignore someone in pain and to have the attitude of not owing people anything is really cold. And it doesn’t mean the same thing will happen to OP as it did to you.

Show quote history

I agree with this. I find that remark very callous to be honest.

Anxiousheartbeat · 07/06/2024 22:03

StormingNorman · 07/06/2024 22:00

You and the OP are invested in not believing her because it makes it easier to do nothing.

Victims of DV deserve to be believed unless proven otherwise. The same respect we give to victims of sexual assault…and criminals.

Show quote history

No, that’s not true. I don’t disbelieve her but as I said above I’ve had very very bad experience with someone who leaned on me heavily/way too much for mental health and emotional support when she was a school mother I didn’t know. It was a nightmare.

they are not friends. Directing her towards resources and looping in the school is appropriate.

more than that is going to involve way too much for OP, a stranger.

thisisasurvivor · 07/06/2024 22:03

She may have been keeping this in for a long long time and needed to let it out

betterangels · 07/06/2024 22:01

rollonretirementfgs · 07/06/2024 21:51

All the people saying of course you should get involved... really?? OP hardly knows this woman. I would certainly want to do everything I could to help, but I wouldn't want to involve my self in someone else's domestic disputes. I think stay out of it. She has told you in confidence.

I agree that this. I wouldn't be informing anyone.

StormingNorman · 07/06/2024 22:00

Anxiousheartbeat · 07/06/2024 21:57

This! OP also has no way of knowing what’s actually going on!

Show quote history

You and the OP are invested in not believing her because it makes it easier to do nothing.

Victims of DV deserve to be believed unless proven otherwise. The same respect we give to victims of sexual assault…and criminals.

StormingNorman · 07/06/2024 21:58

This woman must be desperate to cry in the street and speak to another school mum. I think I would offer a play date or a coffee and give her an opportunity to speak. Direct her to some resources and offer practical advice. I couldn’t leave someone in that situation when I’m able to help. Even just suggesting she looks up similar threads on here might help her.

Anxiousheartbeat · 07/06/2024 21:57

rollonretirementfgs · 07/06/2024 21:51

All the people saying of course you should get involved... really?? OP hardly knows this woman. I would certainly want to do everything I could to help, but I wouldn't want to involve my self in someone else's domestic disputes. I think stay out of it. She has told you in confidence.

This! OP also has no way of knowing what’s actually going on!

rollonretirementfgs · 07/06/2024 21:51

All the people saying of course you should get involved... really?? OP hardly knows this woman. I would certainly want to do everything I could to help, but I wouldn't want to involve my self in someone else's domestic disputes. I think stay out of it. She has told you in confidence.

Anxiousheartbeat · 07/06/2024 21:51

Are you happy for your DD to go and play round there having heard what she said?

Original poster
tokibiko · 07/06/2024 21:50

ByBrightSloth · 07/06/2024 21:35

Ok well what about what she’s said makes you suspicious and not believe her?

Various posters have asked this - I described them as "allegations" because that's exactly what they are. I do not know the woman, I have not been in their house and witnessed anything, and to describe it in any other way would be colouring events. Whether I believe her or not, should not come into this at all, so please do not try to make this about me. I am merely asking for advice on whether and how to help her in this situation.

OP posts:
Pennyandolive · 07/06/2024 21:44

Anxiousheartbeat · 07/06/2024 21:39

Also btw I don’t think the judgement directed at me is fair.

it is hard to put in boundaries when you are the only one who has noticed the mother is shitfaced on the school run, and when they keep messaging you about their suicide attempts! Once you become accidentally embroiled it’s very hard indeed to escape!

Show quote history

Then well have to agree to disagree.

laeen · 07/06/2024 21:44

I don't blame you for not wanting to get involved tbh. It all sounds like a lot of drama and I say that as someone who left a DV relationship (but never felt the need to make a scene in the street). I think you should only involve yourself if you're willing to get entangled in the mess to some extent - for me I wouldn't be.

Sapphire387 · 07/06/2024 21:43

I wouldn't break her confidence by reporting to the school unless I thought there was a serious risk of harm to her child. The last thing she needs is a load more hassle.

Anxiousheartbeat · 07/06/2024 21:39

Pennyandolive · 07/06/2024 21:33

But that’s where you needed to draw boundaries. You can help someone and still keep a healthy distance and look after yourself. To ignore someone in pain and to have the attitude of not owing people anything is really cold. And it doesn’t mean the same thing will happen to OP as it did to you.

Show quote history

Also btw I don’t think the judgement directed at me is fair.

it is hard to put in boundaries when you are the only one who has noticed the mother is shitfaced on the school run, and when they keep messaging you about their suicide attempts! Once you become accidentally embroiled it’s very hard indeed to escape!

Anxiousheartbeat · 07/06/2024 21:36

Pennyandolive · 07/06/2024 21:33

But that’s where you needed to draw boundaries. You can help someone and still keep a healthy distance and look after yourself. To ignore someone in pain and to have the attitude of not owing people anything is really cold. And it doesn’t mean the same thing will happen to OP as it did to you.

Show quote history

don't agree, sorry!

they aren’t friends, they don’t know each other. There is likely to be a very draining and difficult situation here as the friend needed to rely on a relative stranger. That’s assuming the abuse etc is true.

the responsibility is to report to school and let them take over in case children are at risk. That’s it.

it’s very hard to put in boundaries with people who are unwell and end up relying and dependent on you. I urge people not to put themselves in that position with strangers.

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