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Original poster

MIL took a photo of my child with a stranger

113 replies

Cookiemonster81 · 07/06/2024 12:34

We were out with my in-laws last weekend. Stopped for some food in a small grassy area and as we were finishing up another family came and sat by us. The mother gave her children some little bubble machines to play with and my toddler got very excited so started playing with the children (with the families consent). At one point my DS went and just sat on the lap of the mother - I think she had her phone in her hand and he hasn't grasped that you can't just look at everyone's phones yet.
She was really lovely about it and entertained him for a minute, before I decided that as we had finished we would leave because I didn't want my child disturbing this family for ages.

Then later that night I get a couple of photos sent over from my MIL of my son sitting on this woman's lap. It might sound silly but I instantly burst into tears because my self esteem is at an all time low and I don't have a single photo of me and my child that I like, yet here he looked so happy with this total stranger, it was a nice picture. If it was me and my child I would have been really happy. MIL has never sent a photo of me playing with my son.

A week on and I still feel gutted. It's really got me down. I don't know if she did it on purpose, I doubt it really, but why the fuck would you take a photo of a total stranger that we spent about 5 minutes with and further, why the fuck do you think I'd want it. What are you expecting me to do with that photo. I was there, stood chatting with the woman, I saw it.

AIBU to be so bothered by this, given that MIL knows how I feel about things at the moment or do I just need to stop sulking and forget it.

OP posts:
Itllfalloff · 07/06/2024 13:44

You need to talk to someone about your anxiety…

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 13:43

PrincessofWells · 07/06/2024 13:40

Just maybe some of us are sick to death of the misogyny on here regarding mother in laws. And here's yet another post with the same old . . .

Show quote history

Be that as it may, but it still pretty shit to kick someone when they're down.

PrincessofWells · 07/06/2024 13:40

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 13:35

Jesus lads - this is Mumsnet. A new mum is feeling a bit wobbly and not 100% rational. Give her a break.

Just maybe some of us are sick to death of the misogyny on here regarding mother in laws. And here's yet another post with the same old . . .

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 13:35

Jesus lads - this is Mumsnet. A new mum is feeling a bit wobbly and not 100% rational. Give her a break.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 07/06/2024 13:33

He wasn’t happy to be sat with someone else, he was happy because he could see a shiny, interesting thing (the phone!).

I got to a point where I realised there were hardly any photos of me and DD- so we took a few and I asked DM and DH to take a few now and then. I’m not into photos really, we don’t have many around the house. I just printed them and boxed them up. The memories are all in my head.

PrincessofWells · 07/06/2024 13:32

Poor MiL. They can't do anything right. What a nice thing to do and op turns it into such a negative thing.

WetBandits · 07/06/2024 13:29

So the problem is that you don’t like how you look in any of the photos you have of you and your DS, so you don’t want to see any photos of someone you think looks ‘better’ than you? This is your issue, not your MIL’s.

PurpleChrayn · 07/06/2024 13:27

JustWannaBeWorthIt · 07/06/2024 12:36

Umm this is the nonnest of non issues.

Your issues of self esteem don't get to dictate other peoples actions. Many many people would like to be sent a photo of their child enjoying themselves.

This.

My feelings as a mother take a backseat when it comes to my children's happiness.

I grew up with a mother who always prioritised herself and her own (irrational) emotions and it was very damaging.

Blondiebeachbabe · 07/06/2024 13:26

I am a MIL, and posts like this really baffle me. I send jokes and memes to our family chat, without a second thought, and I'd be upset to think that anyone was analysing them looking for an evil angle. Most people, most women are nice people. I don't get this hatred for MIL's? I've had two myself, both very nice ladies.

Cliedi · 07/06/2024 13:25

If you’ve explained to your husband how much it means to you to have lovely natural candid photos of you and your son and he still doesn’t take them even when nudged then he is a pig. If you haven’t then please do so.

blablasmthsmth · 07/06/2024 13:24

"I don't know if she did it on purpose, I doubt it really, but why the fuck would you take a photo of a total stranger that we spent about 5 minutes with and further, why the fuck do you think I'd want it. What are you expecting me to do with that photo. I was there, stood chatting with the woman, I saw it."

Jesus, poor MIL. Maybe I'm just more sentimental or something but I would've liked it. You could look back a few years down the line and laughed at the time DS plonked himself on that random woman's lap.
I'm sorry you're feeling low right now, it's not nice when you have low self esteem. But I think you're being really harsh on your MIL.

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 13:21

When you have a new baby you can't often take photos of the two of you together (unless you're a selfie expert) so make sure you get others to take some. And take the focus off your appearance. You probably look great. (Dare I say 'glowing') You might look a bit different, but very few people go through Pg and childbirth and spring back into the way they were before. I have some objectively shit pics of me and the Babs but I look amazing because I'm just entirely delighted with her!

Rolomania · 07/06/2024 13:21

Cookiemonster81 · 07/06/2024 13:11

Thanks to the posters who have understood my upset, or even not understood it but been kind anyway.

Just to clarify for those that did not understand, I was not upset that my child sat with the stranger. She was a nice woman and he was having a great time. My upset was seeing that cemented in a photograph which I would have longed to have seen of myself with him.

It's not that photos don't exist with and him, I just hate them all. I feel I look hideous in them all. If I'm having a day where I feel good about myself I'll ask my husband to take a picture, but then I hate it - probably because I'm doing the whole forced smile for the camera, rather than the natural candid photos I have with him as like lots of people said, Mums often the ones taking the off the cuff pictures.

What's funny is that when I opened the picture initially I thought, oh I look nice here - it's taken from side angle so you can't really see the womans face full on. It took a second to realise I don't own that outfit, and am not as slim and oh, that's not me.

I know it’s easier said than done but one day you will wish you had more photos with your child. You may feel you look bad and I know low self esteem is so hard but your child loves you.

Life is too short, take the photo of you and your child. Let others take photos of you with your child.

Tell your loved ones you want more effort with them taking photos of you and your child. I had to do this, my whole photo album was of my DC with his grandparents, aunts uncles his dad, literally no one took photos of me with him. So I told them to step up

bogbabe · 07/06/2024 13:19

WimpoleHat · 07/06/2024 12:38

I’m sorry you’re feeling low. But your MIL hasn’t done anything wrong. She saw a nice moment. She snapped it. It came out well. So she thought you’d like to see it. Please don’t overthink it!

This

Devilsmommy · 07/06/2024 13:19

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/06/2024 12:35

Couldn't get worked up about this tbh

Same

Love the username 😁

Horsemother · 07/06/2024 13:17

You said yourself in a subsequent post, you have lots of photos of you with your child. You just don't like them. You're being unreasonable.

AnitaLoos · 07/06/2024 13:15

You will never be as young as you are now. Your child will never be this age again. Stop agonising about how you look. It’s a waste of a life! Keep asking people to take photos of you and if you can possibly afford it, pay a local photographer to do an ‘candid’ informal photoshoot. My kids are much older and I can promise you that when I look back on photos I felt hideous in at the time, I now think how young I looked, how cute my kids were and how lovely it was to have captured a moment.its your relationship that matters, not your dress size. Your kid won’t care if the label inside your dress is 18 or 10.

VeryGoodVeryNiceChickenNugget · 07/06/2024 13:15

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/06/2024 12:35

Couldn't get worked up about this tbh

No, it would be a funny thing to rib the dc about, if anything.

"Remember that time you sat on a random woman's lap"?..

Alwaysgothiccups · 07/06/2024 13:14

Ask people to take photos of you with your kids.. your partner, your family, friends.
I realised there were hardly any pictures of me with my kids so I started making sure there were by asking fir them to be taken
Then you won't end up feeling this resentful

lionobserving · 07/06/2024 13:13

@JustWannaBeWorthIt
"If I sent someone a nice photo and they came back to take me task about it because 'their feelings are valid' they'd get told to fuck right off tbh."

Did I say go back and take her to task, or did I say ask her if she'd mind taking some photos of OP in future?

I'd suggest you take a minute to actually listen or read as a first step in future, and maybe "fuck off" would trip out of your foul mouth less frequently.

Original poster
Cookiemonster81 · 07/06/2024 13:12

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 12:59

If you think about it, a lot of the times you're holding your son, you probably don't actually see his face! I'm sure he's happy as a pig in shit as the saying goes. Or he could have had wind with the other lady, that can make them (briefly) smiley 😁

Show quote history

Haha, that did make me laugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookiemonster81 · 07/06/2024 13:11

Thanks to the posters who have understood my upset, or even not understood it but been kind anyway.

Just to clarify for those that did not understand, I was not upset that my child sat with the stranger. She was a nice woman and he was having a great time. My upset was seeing that cemented in a photograph which I would have longed to have seen of myself with him.

It's not that photos don't exist with and him, I just hate them all. I feel I look hideous in them all. If I'm having a day where I feel good about myself I'll ask my husband to take a picture, but then I hate it - probably because I'm doing the whole forced smile for the camera, rather than the natural candid photos I have with him as like lots of people said, Mums often the ones taking the off the cuff pictures.

What's funny is that when I opened the picture initially I thought, oh I look nice here - it's taken from side angle so you can't really see the womans face full on. It took a second to realise I don't own that outfit, and am not as slim and oh, that's not me.

OP posts:
JustWannaBeWorthIt · 07/06/2024 13:09

lionobserving · 07/06/2024 12:40

It's not a non issue and your feelings are valid. However your MIL clearly thought she was being kind in sending you photos of DS, and it's lovely she wants to capture happy moments.

I would really suggest sharing with your MIL how you feel, thanking her for the photos and letting her know that you'd love some photos of you and DS when the situation allows. Communication can solve all, OP, and I'm sure she'd be mortified to know she'd upset you!

If I sent someone a nice photo and they came back to take me task about it because 'their feelings are valid' they'd get told to fuck right off tbh.

SpringerFall · 07/06/2024 13:08

No I could not care about this, I don't need to turn mountains out of mole hills

DanielGault · 07/06/2024 12:59

Cookiemonster81 · 07/06/2024 12:46

Fair enough. I can see this is clearly my issue. To be fair, I hadn't expected to be quite so hurt by seeing a photo of my son be so happy with someone else. It didn't bother me in the moment, nor does it any of the other times he's happy with other people. I think it was literally just the photo of it that stung. Envy I guess.

If you think about it, a lot of the times you're holding your son, you probably don't actually see his face! I'm sure he's happy as a pig in shit as the saying goes. Or he could have had wind with the other lady, that can make them (briefly) smiley 😁

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