Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't be bothered to meet friend -aibu?

171 replies

thisnoming · 07/06/2024 10:04

Meeting a friend tomorrow and like normal it's me doing the travelling.
I don't drive either but it's a drinking day so makes no difference .
We are meeting in the town she lives in.
It's a 10 min taxi for her.
For me it's a 25 min bus into my city then 1 hour 15 min bus.
The taxi return would be over £100 so can't afford it.
We are meeting at 2
She's got a taxi booked for 1-45pm
I have to leave at 12pm
On the way home she is home in 10 mins and it's taking me 2 hours.
There's nothing really in between except little pubs.
Aibu to cancel?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 07/06/2024 16:01

thisnoming · 07/06/2024 15:58

@Shan5474 I always go to her
Last time was a few months ago
She wanted a girls day I spent a fortune in Ubers getting there and back and she said after a hour she was tired and I went home

I would be sending her an honest messaging saying how you value the friendship and love catching up however it’s time and cost consuming for you to always be the one traveling to her and you’d love it if you could switch it up and she comes to you.

Original poster
thisnoming · 07/06/2024 15:58

@Shan5474 I always go to her
Last time was a few months ago
She wanted a girls day I spent a fortune in Ubers getting there and back and she said after a hour she was tired and I went home

OP posts:
westisbest1982 · 07/06/2024 15:54

I think you’re both better off without each other. Friendship shouldn’t feel this effortful about something so small.

Rubbishconfession · 07/06/2024 15:49

Seriously, fuck her off OP. She's a selfish twat moaning about a short journey when you have a 2 hour one.

Tell her to come to you. If she can't sort babysitters that's her problem, just say you can't travel to her.

she said "il see if I can be bothered in the morning with the train "

Tell her 'I can't be bothered always having to do the 4 hour round trip and you can come to me from now on.'

needhelpwiththisplease · 07/06/2024 15:44

Why not message her now and just say
" hey friend the amount of travel for me to do tomorrow is not going to work for me.
I am able to meet in the city. Let me know if that works for you. If not will arrange for another time"

Shan5474 · 07/06/2024 15:39

Have you often met in the middle or do you always go to her? I’ve had friends like this who will always want to meet in their town or at their home, it’s really frustrating because it feels like they can’t be bothered to make an effort or you’re not worth their time. I also don’t like your friend’s attitude of saying she’ll see if she can be bothered tomorrow. If she’s not excited to see you or prepared to make any effort then I might bin her off entirely

Santasbigredbobblehat · 07/06/2024 15:07

Can it. You can give an excuse then next time, go somewhere in the middle.

Princesspollyyy · 07/06/2024 15:05

thisnoming · 07/06/2024 14:16

It's nothing to do with not liking her
It's the fact it's gonna be nearly 4 hours travelling
When she can't be bothered to jump on a 10 min train
Then I'm left at a bus stop
She jumps in a taxi and home in 10

So why are you even asking the question on here?!

crockofshite · 07/06/2024 15:00

Definitely cancel.

She can't be bothered to put herself out even the slightest, so give it a miss.

annoyance888 · 07/06/2024 14:59

I'd personally "pull a sickie" in this case.

SwedeCarrotLimes · 07/06/2024 14:58

Normally I would agree with PP who say it's unfair to cancel so close to the day. However, her 'I'll see if I can bothered in the morning' attitude would instanstly make me feel not guilty about backing out, as she sounds like the type of person that could also cancel last minute and have zero guilt about doing so (she has kids so easy excuse, sudden illness etc).

maw1681 · 07/06/2024 14:50

I think it's unfair to cancel now tbh because you must have agreed to this?
But for next time suggest she travels to you for a change then take turns? It doesn't sound like there are good options for meeting half way so taking turns to travel seems fairest

Original poster
thisnoming · 07/06/2024 14:38

*tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
thisnoming · 07/06/2024 14:37

@Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf she needs to get home for her kids tonight

OP posts:
Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 07/06/2024 14:36

I’m sure I’ve read this before.

But just don’t go.

Id send her the time table you need to stick to to get there and see what she says.

Why doesn’t she drive to you, go out and then stay over and go back tmr.

Tbry24 · 07/06/2024 14:31

thisnoming · 07/06/2024 12:57

I have said how about we meet a city which is equal travel
She has to get a taxi into her town then a 10 min train
I have to get a bus then a train for 20 mins
It's more do able tho
She said no
She can't be bothered to mess around travelling /trains

Get her to agree to that instead or don’t see her. It’s not fair for you to do all the travelling. If she won’t then don’t see her.

Btw I know the feeling as unless I travel across country I don’t see any of my friends or family ever.

TeeBee · 07/06/2024 14:23

Then check if she can be 'bothered' and if she can't, you just reply 'no, me neither. Let's leave it until we can find a place midway'. Stop being a pushover.

SheepAndSword · 07/06/2024 14:20

OK, just cancel. But it's best to talk to her by phone and say your heart is sinking at the thought of the travel.

Original poster
thisnoming · 07/06/2024 14:16

It's nothing to do with not liking her
It's the fact it's gonna be nearly 4 hours travelling
When she can't be bothered to jump on a 10 min train
Then I'm left at a bus stop
She jumps in a taxi and home in 10

OP posts:
Revelatio · 07/06/2024 14:15

Why are you going? You don’t seem to like her, so why travel all that way?

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 07/06/2024 14:10

thisnoming · 07/06/2024 12:57

I have said how about we meet a city which is equal travel
She has to get a taxi into her town then a 10 min train
I have to get a bus then a train for 20 mins
It's more do able tho
She said no
She can't be bothered to mess around travelling /trains

Well definitely not then. If she can’t compromise it’s her loss if you’re not that bothered.

HarridansOfUsAll · 07/06/2024 13:51

thisnoming · 07/06/2024 13:23

I'm a people pleaser
At the time I thought it's okay won't be too bad
Then the time comes around and I'm dreading it
Last time she got really drunk and left me without a clue where the bus station was
I'm going to ask again in the morning as her last message she said "il see if I can be bothered in the morning with the train "
" it's easier for me to just jump in taxi home "

So do something about being a 'people pleaser'? It's not a terminal condition, and it's easily cured, with work, honesty, and recognising that this isn't a good trait. It doesn't make you 'a nice person'.

It's weak, passive-aggressive, and puts off genuine friends. I mean, who would want to befriend someone who trots around after people they appear to dislike, travelling for hours to do something they don't want to do, all the while simmering with resentment -- and for what? Don't you value yourself and your time more than that? Isn't there something you would rather be doing tomorrow than trekking long distances to go day drinking with someone you don't seem to have much time for, and who doesn't seem that nice to you?

shootingstar1 · 07/06/2024 13:51

I would maybe say that you don't feel comfortable travelling home by yourself after a days drinking due to the distance and suggest meeting in the middle again . If she can't be bothered then I think that's really poor on her part.

TinkerTiger · 07/06/2024 13:40

And stop using 'people pleaser'. You won't be pleasing her if you cancel last minute, so it's not true. Own it, and work on being more assertive. It's freeing.

TinkerTiger · 07/06/2024 13:39

So reply yeah ok, meeting in X is far more of a faff for me than you meeting halfway, much better if we don't have to travel as far each, but yeah let me know.