To not make 22 month old say please and thank you

No but I'd expect them to model it every single time. My 4yo has been going through a (fairly long) phase of being quite rude in the way she asks for things, "get me a drink" and no matter how many times I remind her she will still always start out by asking like that. But that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up on teaching her, I remind her and model every single time and eventually she'll get it.

I can’t stand arbitrary rules about things like this. You can say please and thank you and still be rude about it, and you can never use those words and still be well mannered. It’s up there with my dislike to the enforced use of the word ‘sorry’. Our use of language and communication is a lot more nuanced than ensuring we use certain ‘magic’ words

If children are ill mannered it is one of THE things that is noticed and commented on, not in a positive way either.

In the example you used if someone said to me "would you like an apple or banana?" I wouldn't just say "banana" I'd always say "A banana please" so I don't think your SIL is unreasonable to ask him to say it, I do the same with my kids.

Yes like I said. All children are different. Lots of ASD children are great at parroting or mirroring language. Other children have other needs.

Another vote for this. Insisting a child who is too young to even have a full vocabulary says please or thank you is unnecessarily strict. Mine turned into very polite kids and are very polite teens now .

As the parent of an SEN speech delayed toddler I find this deeply offensive.

How do you know that the parents haven't modelled please and thankyou in signing to them? Maybe they've done it multiple times.

What do you suggest- that they keep their two year olds away from polite society in case somebody judges their parents for having a child with speech delay? Because apparently having a special need is 'bad manners'.

What about modelling a bit of compassion and inclusivity?

We always insisted, Dd is now automatically says please and thank you.

Please and thank you is just polite, it’s not being a performing monkey. It’s teaching your kid the basics of how to function in society. We eat out a lot and my 4yr old orders her own food and I do expect her to say please when she places her order and thank you when she receives it. In the same way I would. I don’t consider myself to be a performing monkey for doing so.

@Itsacruelsummer

Well given that my son with ASD had speech regression and yet maintained his please and thank yous throughout, I'd say it's down to individual cases. Not a blanket ban on encouraging speech delayed kids to use manners.

Definitely this!
It’s the other parents who do the invites for play and tea, and if a child comes across as “Rude” they won’t be as popular.

Loathe kids and adults with no manners

I think the best way to teach kids manners is by having them yourself. I you are saying please and thank you to your son, he will follow along. It is always nice to encourage saying the word sometimes but it doesn't have to be all the time.

Really?
Toddlers are just learning to talk, maybe consider giving them a little grace?..

At least your Daughter was saying “Thank you “ by signing it.

Toddlers that grab and snatch without saying ( Or signing) basic pleases and thank yous are judged as bad mannered ( The parents more so than the child, as they are meant to be teaching manners)

Manners are important, you are setting your child up to be unpopular if they are rude . I cannot imagine being given something and not saying thankyou , or pass the salt without a please .

I would model but not pressure to repeat. I have a 3YO with selective mutism. She's very good with pleases and thank yous and I've only ever modelled and not pressured.

How can you find a toddler rude for not saying thank you because they literally cannot say it due to speech issues?

But OP isn't saying manners aren't important later on. She's just questioning whether you should force a speech delayed child to say please and thank you. Actually not even her- her sister in law so an adult the child doesn't know as well.

Multiple professionals who specialise in speech or SEN have said this could actually have a detrimental affect on the aquisition of speech.

No one is saying children shouldn't say please and thank you when it's developmentally appropriate. And shock horror- that is at different ages for different children.

I’m with SIL.

18 month old DS is encouraged and prompted to say please and ta.

I find it rude If a toddler takes without saying “ Thank you” or “please” when asking for something-
Just silently taking IS Ill mannered.

Model, model, model. Instructing children what to say only means they learn they have to say something to please you, they do not learn the value of it. I am a child psychotherapist with a specialist area in brain development and I find this need to instruct children rather than model very frustrating and it does not work with the strengths of the child's developing brain. As long as you say please and thank you they will pick it up and say it in context when their language and understanding is ready for it.

I always try to get my 2 year old to say please and thank you. He doesn’t always say it but I always add please or thank you for him to copy. I think it’s really important: my nephew is 6 and he rarely says it and I find it so jarring.

This!

With SIL. Brought my 3 up saying please and 'ta' (horror!) and even my son with ASD has great manners.

I literally had a senco training session with a salt today. She specifically said that she would rather the child uses functional language rather than polite language. Enable the child to get their needs across. At two, it doesn't matter if they don't use please and than you, if they have a speech delay. That will come later