To not make 22 month old say please and thank you

I work with kids. The training I've had on supporting children with delayed speech or communication difficulties is that the most important thing is that they communicate their needs. Do not bother with please and thank you until they have a better grasp of communicating their needs. One trainer on a Makaton course went off on a bit of a rant when someone asked the signs for please and thank you. I absolutely would push manners for children with normal development but you tailor care to a child's needs and for your child right now manners are not a primary need

This. Modeling Is part of how children develop and learn it's never to early to start.

I’m actually with you, you model good manners but you don’t need to make them say it when they won’t even understand it. Completely pointless.

I work in Early Years and we aren’t allowed to withhold food for example until they say please or thank you.

@Yalta well thankfully my late mother taught me to use manners as I am teaching mine. As she always said " they are a light load to carry and make life easier. I feel sorry for people who find basic manners a heavy load, it sounds like a very angry place to be. 💐

Sharing and taking turns is different from saying please and thank you and speech delay issues. Also, op’s child is only 1 and has a couple of years before school. So no need to start stressing about that yet.

Manners, consideration, sharing, the ability to take turns is how they make friends in the early years. That’s why it’s important. If your DC can’t so this and is behind in his speech then they’ll really struggle at school.

I can assure you it’s fine not to be focusing on please and thank you at one year old when a child has a speech delay. I instead followed the advice of speech therapist to focus on other areas first. DS is now 3 and says them both.

I disagree, modelling is how children learn and they are never too young.

My son wasn't the fastest out of the blocks with speech, and was probably at a similar level speech-wise to yours. We didn't force the issue with him but we modelled it a lot in our own speech. He's now 2.5, speaking lots, and is almost excessively polite - we get unprompted thanks for absolutely everything at the moment.

also yes my son is speech delayed due to autism, didn't start talking till he was nearly 5 and yet he is now very well mannered even though he struggles with some words

Manners should be taught as early as possible, my kids are now 4 and 5 and are very well mannered and have been since 3. People always comment how well behaved and respectful/well mannered they are. Thats because i have been teaching them since before they could talk themselves.

Lots of very interesting posts and I’ve particularly valued those from posters with a background in SLT or experience with speech delays. A lot concurs with what I’d previously read and yes we have absolutely emphasised extending “banana” into a “yellow banana” or “big banana” over “banana please”.

I don't think your DS is remotely delayed, just saying individual words rather than stringing them together. My DS was the same; at 22 months, the nearest thing he got to a sentence was boy bike cat meaning look at that boy on a bike carrying a cat. By his second birthday, he was talking in sentences.

Have to say I agree with you! Grinds my gears too. Especially if a child is already their gratitude by their enthusiasm. 'Say ta' 'say thank you' 'what's the magic word', far from being good manners on behalf of the parents, just takes the shine off things and makes the giver feel awkward.

But no one is saying you should force it upon any child, but should use please and thank you almost automatically with your children. And how do you decide at what age they are developmentally ready ? Use the words pretty much from the start and it will come .
And I am speaking as a mum to a now adult with moderate/ severe learning difficulties who is also very polite.

This all sounds a bit intense for the home if I’m honest. I was too wrapped up wrangling small children to come up with that kind of thing every time!
I have one with learning difficulties who can manage please and thank you just fine. And another who was very speech delayed who now public speaks as part of her job. We used please and thank you from the start, not insisting nor withholding until they said it. Also I like to think my husband and I are polite ourselves. Both are polite and charming. Important to start early I think .

So do I but please and thank you isn’t hard . Used right from the start , when would you introduce them otherwise?
I agree with a poster above , saying can I have a banana please isn’t more than you’d expect from an adult. Manners are important .

Modelling please and thank you is fine I think we can overthink politeness sometimes, your sil isn't wrong but neither are you.

I think it's important to teach them early. In our nursery, they actually teach them to sign please and thanks before they can speak as little babies. Polite children are liked and liked children are favoured by teachers, care givers, other adults and children. It's in your child's best interests. Plus it's basic respect for those around you, acknowledging that you aren't the centre of the universe and appreciating when people do something for you.

I'll be honest I haven't RTWT but I had a late talker. I was advised to avoid please because it can become a reliant word used instead of other words, ie. instead of drink, it will be point and please, a pull on the hand and please instead of learning to make sentences and articulating. Manners are important but this is a learning phase and please/thank you can wait.

Completely agree with you op. There is no need to more at this stage with please and thank you other than what you’re doing. What is also more important with children with speech delays is to equip them with other basic conversation and pronunciation skills so that others can understand them. My son says please and thank you but still has trouble answering open questions or saying his own 4 letter name. Please and thank you are not the only things to focus on.

Yes, this. I always say please and thank you but I don’t like badgering very small children to repeat words that they don’t even really understand the meaning of yet.

The magic word from me would be f**k off.

I hate these performative please and thank yous

The tone of voice when saying please and thank you doesn’t indicate someone is a mannered person. It can indicate passive aggression, entitlement, bullying and martyrdom

oakleaffy
I find it rude If a toddler takes without saying “ Thank you” or “please” when asking for something-
Just silently taking IS Ill mannered

Thats nice. Dd didn’t speak a word till she was over 2 years old. Yet you would think her rude

FofB
My eldest didn't really talk until she was 3. Was in speech therapy and used sign language. We talked to her all the time and we still said taught her please and thank you. For example, she would sign for orange juice. I would say 'I would like Orange Juice please' and she would say 'yeh' and nod. I would then say 'good girl

This confuses me even as an adult

Your child wants Orange Juice but you reply with you want orange juice. To me this would indicate that your child was expected to go get the OJ for you.

I never overdid it, I'm not dogmatic about please and thank you

I would model it but don’t insist that he repeats them back to you all the time. It is useful to have good social skills but some people overdo the pleases and thank yous which comes across as a bit insecure and nervous.

Are we bringing DS up to be a rude little horror?

If you're giving up that easily and quickly quite possibly! Not because of this issue alone, but it shows a lack of awareness from yourselves around the importance of manners so likely not an isolated issue. Parents reiterate these words even before children can speak, it's just what you do, you keep doing it until they say it for themselves.