DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

New Zealand has the highest rates of domestic violence in the developed world, but yes, I’m sure none of the men are sexist at all, just women being dramatic. 🙄

If you are not 100% sure then don't do it. My first husband had neurotic ideas about the UK and dragged us off to different countries constantly. I absolutely hated it and was very lonely. I ended up divorcing him and going home.
He should know better than to believe tiktok rubbish and if he is that immature you should not be going anywhere with him.

I'd divorce dh before I was ever pushed into something I had serious reservations about.

Yep, two important points here. It really does put a strain on your relationship. And it does cost a lot. Probably more than you expect but you'll be there before you find that out.

We did this years ago (back home now), what I would say is that it’s a very long way to go and can feel quite isolating. NZ, although very lovely is quite provincial and I did find that tricky. When you need to get home quickly that’s not really possible. It does really feel you are at the edge of the world and even flying to Australia from there is a long flight.

This is what would concern me too. You may feel your relationship is rock solid currently but you never know what will happen. On this basis I think I’d want to forge my own career etc if I moved to NZ and ensure I was able to remain under my own steam. Can you visit before you decide?

'I’ll encourage my children to do the same and not be stuck to one place out or misguided fear of the world and new experiences'.

But that applies to holidays, gap years etc. Yes, travel as much as you can, and have those experiences.
If you decide to move abroad for work, it's a joint decision - and one that you can come back from, without your spouse, but with your child should you decide to.
It is a totally different scenario to move a wife and child, to somewhere none of them have visited, when the wife is reluctant to move, starts off at a disadvantage, and all because the husband is suffering from anxiety.

I've lived abroad with a young kid, it's isolating without family or support.

I lived abroad for 10 years when my 3 DDs were young and agree with all the points FirstBabySnnorer makes

I'm a woman in NZ and I don't like that men now have legal access to our single sex spaces. I left my gym because it now admits men into the womens' changing rooms.

I wouldn't be in a rush to do it. In these cases it's always better to stress the benefits of remaining here rather than giving All The Reasons New Zealand is a Bad Idea, which will likely make him defensive. And rather than putting the kibosh on the idea, why not suggest that one day you all visit NZ and then you can assess if it's something to consider one day. That way it's not just a No, it's a 'No, but...'

My DH has often talked about leaving the country but I don't want to. He's never been vehement but basically it could only ever happen if I organised it, and I'm not going to.

Interesting isn't it. I don't know a single woman in NZ who has the angst I continually read on threads on MN about how dangerous and awful men are, and how posters have a conniption fit if a lone man they don't know should - gasp!!! - speak to them. I've never heard anyone even mention men in women's loos, changing rooms, whatever. Most of us are happily going about our lives as usual, feeling we have all the "rights" we need.

For me, the whole to'ing and fro'ing on this thread can be summed up by saying, 'New Zealand is different from the UK (newsfuckingflash, country on the other side of the world is different to the UK - who woulda thunk it?) It's houses are different, (yes, it's geography and climate are different, as are the building techniques and most readily available building materials), its education system is different, its retailing systems are different. . . It's not Little England Personified. Thank God!

The main thing for you OP, is that this has been sprung on you by your husband, unilaterally, with sweet bugger all research done, let alone boots on ground. You have a young family.

Emigrating is bloody hard work, and very stressful. Even when you are both 100% committed, it is extremely stressful and can put immense strain on a relationship. It is very expensive, which makes it very hard for many people to be prepared to cut loose on the sunken costs, and call it a day if it's not working. This is even harder with kids in the mix.

My sister and her DH were in a similar situation except for Oz.
They took it, the company paid for their relocation costs and helped find them schools and a house.
Neither of them had ever been to Oz, their reasons for going were due mainly to negative push factors in the UK as much as positive knowledge on Oz.

It worked well, they've been there ten years+ now, are full citizens and the kids are young adults with great opportunities ahead. They uprooted their children much older (end of primary school) which I think is harder.
They have a similar housing problem to uk though of first time buyers struggling to get on the ladder... So is not Eutopia and the country has it's issues.

It worked as

• they both wanted to go due to bad work opportunities here and poor work life balance,
• they were both committed to give it a go.
• They had a plan for return if it didn't work out.
• They didn't have rose coloured glasses on and expect it to be perfect, it was stressful at times and leaving family was hard - they expected that.

I think in your case, given you don't feel so keen you could go on the condition that it was a trial, so you agree to give it 2/3/4 years, treat it as an adventure and have an exit plan and a place to come back to.

But my biggest concern in your shoes would be that the conversation doesn't seem to be balanced with both sides being heard. You both need to discuss is realistically and not shut down doubts or concerns, but explore them constructively. If he is normally respectful of your pov you could help from your side by sorting him you are at least willing to consider it properly and not just dismiss out of hand, because if it doesn't happen you don't want a while ton of what if's laid at your door for years to come.

My sister rented her house out for a while back in the UK and it was only sold once they were happy they didn't intend to come home (a few years). As it was, if they had come home it would have done no harm to their lives and would have just been an interesting thing on their CV.

Indeed. Those of us who lived our whole lives under threat of nuclear war during the Cold War would tell him to chill out!

@WhenTheMoonShines
thanks for that. Totally agree that this incident was a total disgrace.

if you are interested, this article was released by the NZ Herald today: https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/posie-parker-assault-case-tomato-juice-protester-eli-rubashkyn-pleads-guilty/J4XEWQPOJZF4XP654KYDSJTX2Q/

Could you got for a holiday, I think you should consider it and research fully before saying no, but if you do get all the facts and still don’t like the idea then of course you can refuse

As well as all the issues pp have mentioned (your dh's irrational fears, the fact you couldn't leave with your kids without his consent, Abbas your isolation of you can't drive) woods you really want to be so far from family and friends? That's an awful lot of zoom calls! I'd hate to raise kids without even a vague support system local to me.

Dhs family are in nz. It is a stunningly beautiful country. I love going there. Except for the flights out and back. Yuk.

however it’s not without its issues.

if you don’t drive then you’ll struggle. As places are far from each other.

I imagine it’s their location that is the key. I’m in a major centre and never have to wait more than a couple of days.

This came at work recently as one of the women was bemoaning not not being able to get an appointment for ten days. She lives semi rurally and will only go to a specific GP, who works very reduced hours. General consensus was a couple/few days is normal for own GP, same day or next day if happy with any GP at practice.

Six weeks is very unusual, but possible if they live rurally with a small practice that has lost a GP or two recently

@goodnightkiwi we all saw what happened here https://sex-matters.org/posts/freedom-of-speech/let-women-speak-in-new-zealand/

And it’s not the only incident to have happened in NZ like this. Granted the rest of the world is just as sexist but you can’t deny NZ is too. As a country it seems to care more about men and trans rights than a woman’s right to be safe and free of men.

This! Sounds like he is panicking and being irrational. There is no imminent threat of war.

New Zealand is a gorgeous country with surprising similarities to the U.K. in the landscape, language, outlook and food.

the people are very friendly so if you are willing I’m sure making a new circle of friends would happen. And sounds like a great opportunity for your husband’s career.

my view is - why not take the opportunity and if it doesn’t work after a 2 year try then it’s no big issue - your child is young enough to move. You’re a team and rightly you both need to be 100% onboard. Go and have a look see visit with an open mind and then decide.

my parents had the opportunity to move from a war zone to Canada in the 1970’s and didn’t due to my mothers reluctance. A big mistake imho.

I’ve since spent time as an expat and it’s opened a whole new world with choices, great friends and an international outlook. I’ll encourage my children to do the same and not be stuck to one place out or misguided fear of the world and new experiences.

good luck with your decision making.

I have lived with this anxiety - I could not make him understand that rationally moving 30 miles across the channel would not solve his hatred of dull days!
I don't think the country is the problem, I think it is the urge to uproot the family for the wrong reasons.
OP, if you do not want to go, you have to say so, clearly. Your wishes are every bit as valid as his.

@anyolddinosaur

Do you have evidence to back up your claim below because I am really interested in this.

But it is a sexist country. Women may have had some rights earlier in the past but now the trans rights activists are keen to remove any protections for women and that has revealed how deeply sexist NZ is.