DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

We visited New Zealand with the intention of moving there a couple of years ago. It’s a beautiful country and we loved our 6 week trip, but don’t underestimate just how remote everything is outside of Wellington and Auckland (even Wellington you don’t have to drive far to be in the middle of nowhere). That’s great if you’re looking for that kind of change, but just be aware that it is NOTHING like the UK. In the UK, even in fairly remote places you’ll find a supermarket within driving distance. In NZ we stayed a fair few places that were classed as towns but in reality had one corner shop, and nothing else for miles around. I was surprised at how culturally different it was too, it’s not just the UK with different weather. Having said that, as long as you know what to expect, you could have an amazing life there, especially if you love the outdoors. As much as we loved it and would go back to visit in a heartbeat, it’s not somewhere I could realistically see myself living long term.
Your DH should probably do a bit more research.

Hello @Notnowbarnaby so many replies, you must be reeling.
I can only offer a mear insight.
An ex held it against me how different his life would be if he had gone to Panama. Somehow, me and our children were the reason he wasn't living the life he envisaged for himself.<insert visions/delusions of wealth grandeur sophisication freedom blah blah>
In my defence, he never asked me to move there! Just digs about how I was holding him back, the dc were a burden etc "If he had never met me..."

If your DH has a history of holding grudges or slights or grievances or looking back, give him a free rein to visit NZ. Encourage him to holiday there. Make it happen. Don't be hearing for decades to come about how you stopped him from living his dream.

Best of luck. xx

It doesn't work for your business, you don't drive, your DH seems to be motivated by catastrophising rather than a search for fulfilment as a family. Plus you might be putting yourself into a vulnerable situation with coming home if things go wrong between you. It's a no from me, OP.

Moving to the back of beyond is not a decision to take lightly or quickly. It’s a huge physical and psychological distance. I can confirm from personal experience there’s NEVER a good time to call home and it’s hard to maintain existing relationships.
You also need to confirm if you can work before going - a must.
what do you enjoy doing? NZ is beautiful, lovely outdoors lifestyle but parochial beyond all belief. Even Auckland is like a regional British town in terms of scope / scale of activities.
in my view definite breaks need to be pot on this to allow proper exploration of work, location, needs and wants in life.
your son will be fine - he’ll love it, despite inevitable estrangement from grandparents etc. It's you, the trailing spouse, who will potentially struggle, so don’t even turn this into it being a worry about your son.

I guess, however, she happens to be married to someone who does. Marriage doesn’t compel people to do things but a good marriage should be open to at least exploring the other’s dreams.

To be fair - and to give a balanced perspective - the domestic violence figures are skewed (sadly) due to the over representation of the Māori population when it comes to domestic violence. Facts are not facts when a single percentage figure is taken as a comparator without further analysis

EDITED to say facts can be misleading without further analysis

Yes I do think it's irrational to want to move your family half way round the world because of this.

Yeah I don’t get this either.

I have absolutely zero desire to move across the world, away from my friends and family. So I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. If my husband wanted to go, it’d have to be without me and the kids.

Why? She doesn’t want to go, thats all she needs to say no. She doesn’t want to ‘investigate’ further - I’m sure she knows all that she needs to know. Ie how far away it is (a 24 hour journey), what support network she will have (none).

My local LIdl, Aldi and largest Asda all made their fruit and veg section smaller. So there are no gaps.....

This is an insane reason to move to the other side of the world.

My Tesco has big gaps in the fresh produce section (fruit & veg) and they have now taken to including books in the empty spaces in the fruit and veg section 😂

It reminds me of pandemic

EDITED to say I'm in London

Were you not the person claiming none of your female friends in New Zealand are worried about men?! So it’s you who needs perspective, rates of violence against women there are exceptionally high. No one said the UK didn’t have the same problem on a smaller scale. Facts aren’t a personal attack.

Though perhaps the “ off-topic” responses are designed to assist op in deciding if she does or does not have further reasons to influence a move. Research starts somewhere.

I’ve never been to NZ so can’t offer any information on that…

But I’d never move anywhere where there was a chance I might want to move home but would be prevented from doing so because I couldn’t take my kids with me.

I also can’t for the life of me understand anyone who would want to be alive in a remote part of a planet decimated by nuclear war (if it came to that). Absolutely horrific.

I kind of think this thread is sliding off topic (what? on MN? That NEVER happens 🤔) My response would be pretty much the same whatever the country "I have had a job offer and I am worried about a coming war" are not good enough reasons to uproot a family.

I think this is true that many of the comments seem to be from people who maybe haven’t visited much, and also the point about a decent income is on point I think.

I do get the feeling some people go expecting to be able to live like a king on an income that wouldn’t achieve that for them anywhere, and then blame the country for that.

I have friends there ( all highly educated women I met mostly through university conferences and the like so not sure about only the men going up university there; I’m sure a quick check of gender statistics in nz universities would dispel that concern). They all have enviable lifestyles ( and warm homes with plenty of heating, “House and Green “ worthy kitchens, large gardens and two have infinity pools so also not sure where the 1970s kitchens with no heating come from). Of course some people there don’t live like that, but you can’t blame the country if you are needing to access the cheaper housing stock. However the point of a friend who moved there to a high-paying job was that they feel it is easier to access this lifestyle there, as there is less pressure on space ( very little terraced housing for example; vast majority of homes have proper garden space). I was surprised how spacious most homes were, especially outdoor space even fairly centrally in cities which is a major consideration with dcs.

Other quality of living aspects relate to the lack of pollution ( esp vis a vis our sewage issues) and the medical treatment is funded by having much lower cost private care so far greater percentage go private which props the system up and results in less pressure on the free healthcare sectors.

Another aspect that is cheaper is private education so more people find it accessible. I think some comments about the education system on here are simply wrong. Nz has also been considered one of the oecd high achievers, and the latest figures I saw ( 2023?) put nz 3rd in the world behind Iceland and Germany ( uk 8th place). When you add to that the accessibility of private schooling, it starts to look very attractive.

But I guess what all of this is saying is perhaps if you have a certain level of affluence the money goes further lifestyle-wise. Quality housing stock, private healthcare and private education are more accessible, but I guess you nonetheless need a certain income level to access them.

No gaps in the fruits and vegetable section at the local supermarket, which part of UK are you talking about? They are fully stocked by the way!

Central living areas but gosh, the nights can be cold and it can be hard to heat the other end of the house. Negative temperature nights and so cold. Maybe we should all have moved into the living areas!

Yeah, when it comes to central heating, it's not a thing. Along with having lived in an awful lot of places, I've also looked at a lot of places, while looking to buy!

Only one house had central heating, and that was put in when built by a British immigrant family.

Insulation has been retrofitted to many older builds, with varying degrees of success. Newer builds likely to have far better insulation. It's possibly because I was born there and used to it, but I never missed it. Central living areas were kept warm - by fires, log burners, and later heat pumps.

A family friend emigrated to NZ with her husband and two children and it went horribly wrong when her husband left. She has never made it back to the UK 20 years on.

My concern for you would be that you could move out there, but when you come to have that long-awaited visit home, your husband won’t want to go and then you’ll be stuck.

I think your husband’s concerns need addressing as it doesn’t sound rational. Why is your husband so afraid of war? Is he scared he’ll be forced to enlist or is he scared of the impact on you? Is he scared of the lifestyle changes war would impose? Is he proposing to move his parents and wider family there if he’s that scared?

If war comes, and it’s a very big IF, what makes him think NZ will be exempt? NZ is part of the Five Eyes alliance and regionally there is the AUKUS alliance, which is intended to strengthen a Western presence in the Pacific in the face of an increasingly assertive China.

What would happen if his mental health deteriorated in NZ? I’d have concerns about a fear this great prompting a relocation but leading to performance anxiety at work. It willhave an effect on work performance. If he’s let go, then that could have implications for your continuing residency and again you’re back to the push-pull between NZ and the UK and if he’s so afraid, he won’t let the children go back . . .

The mental health needs addressing and running away to NZ won’t fix the problem.

I've just seen that you don't drive, OP. Unless you're in one of the cities or busier towns such as Blenheim or Hamilton or Tauranga or Napier or Nelson, you're going to find things difficult. Those areas have halfway decent bus services, but outside those New Zealand is very car dependent. The good news is that outside Auckland there's not a massive amount of traffic a lot of the time (and you can drive 20-30miles in a lot of out of the way areas and never see another vehicle) so it's a good place to learn to drive.

I don’t care how great a country NZ is. Id never move ANYWHERE where I might risk losing my kids. Especially when I had no right to work or stay after the child is 16.

No one wants to think that their marriage will break up, but it happens to about one third to one half of us. So then @Notnowbarnaby would be stuck there - no money because she can’t work and prevented from moving back to the UK were she can.

How will she afford to fly back to the Uk for visits when she’s unemployed.

Then when her child is 16 , she has to leave the country and leave her child. Who will no doubt he happy in high school and then college / university / job.

Id not do that for the best paid job in the world - my kids are worth more to me that money.

And especially with a husband is who both selfish and impulsive - the kind who are very likely to have an affair / leave a marriage on a whim.

I haven't spent a lot of time in the UK but every home I stayed in there was toasty warm (with wall panel heating). Actually too warm for me in general.