Page 10 | DH wants to Move us all to NZ…

Notnowbarnaby · 2024-06-06T15:21:04+00:00

… because he’s had a job offer and he’s increasingly concerned about the threat of war. (We are in the UK). we have one DS who is just about to start school in September and is currently getting settled into the idea/going to taster sessions. im not currently working. I was self employed previously. I’ve had a look online and it seems like DH would get the visa for the job offer and we could apply for a NZ Family Visa and try to get residency there once there, but I’m unclear about whether I’d need to work in order to hold that Visa - I’m not against working at all and we agreed I’d pick up my self employed business again when DS goes to school but I don’t think that would be an option under the working requirements there. DH keeps saying the company would sort it all but I think it’s such a sudden huge decision and I’m worried that he’s just forging ahead with it because of his anxiety about the world situation. weve never even been to NZ. We don’t know anyone out there, I don’t know anything about it or the schooling system etc. it’s so far away as well we wouldn’t be able to see friends and family regularly. I’m worried about how DS would adapt. im not enthusiastic as you can tell but DH thinks it’s a smart move AIBU to want to dig my feet in about this and say no?!

MyRamone · 07/06/2024 15:08

One more thing to consider - if you plan on having any more children, NZ is a much better place to be. A relative gave birth recently there - after the birth she was allowed to stay in the birth centre for two days, Scandinavian style. Her room had a double bedroom with ensuite (so her partner could also stay to help) & there was a common room for visitors that was stocked with toast & snacks 24/7 (ideal after gving birth at night - no starving till breakfast). Yes, it is a long way away, but it isn't in the mess the UK is in. I'd ask for a trial visit so see what you think before dismising it.

BlokeHereInPeace · 07/06/2024 14:55

Tell him China is going to invade New Zealand.

Happy to help.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 07/06/2024 14:43

Fulshaw · 07/06/2024 14:09

I‘m honestly surprised that so many people are answering the OP as if she’s asked a normal question i.e. should we emigrate to NZ?

Her question actually is ‘should I indulge my anxious and paranoid husband, who watches a lot of unverified TikTok crap, by uprooting ourselves and moving to the other side of the world to a country picked pretty much at random because he’s decided it’s safer?’

Yes this exactly!!

i wonder as he was so blindsided by covid whether he is thinking along the lines of “NZ shut itself off & the death rate was lower therefore the same applies to war”?

bluntly if (very large if) there is another world war, NZ won’t be any safer than anywhere else if nuclear weapons come into play

ViciousCurrentBun · 07/06/2024 14:36

My DH was headhunted for a job in NZ about 15 years ago, he lived there for a couple of months as a student and loved it. He also has two friends there, I had met one when in the UK and liked him. It’s just too far from the UK so we decided not to go for it. Ages of the children made it hugely awkward, also giving up my job and older parents to consider.

fashionqueen0123 · 07/06/2024 14:18

GrouchyKiwi · 07/06/2024 10:47

Auckland isn't the capital at all. That would be Wellington. It is, however, the largest city with a population of about 1.5 million, which is large enough for a country with 5 million people in it.

Show quote history

Sorry yes I was replying to someone else but in my head I was thinking of Wellington. But same would apply. That was even smaller !

ScribblingPixie · 07/06/2024 14:16

Fulshaw · 07/06/2024 14:09

I‘m honestly surprised that so many people are answering the OP as if she’s asked a normal question i.e. should we emigrate to NZ?

Her question actually is ‘should I indulge my anxious and paranoid husband, who watches a lot of unverified TikTok crap, by uprooting ourselves and moving to the other side of the world to a country picked pretty much at random because he’s decided it’s safer?’

Exactly. I'd be concerned for his mental health tbh.

MyUsernameIsBetterThanYours · 07/06/2024 14:12

Hello @Notnowbarnaby

Re your DH anxiety, in my experience when people with anxiety make decisions for these kinds of reasons, having got what they think they needed, they just find something else to focus their anxiety on. So whatever you do, this can’t be the main reason for a move.

“my mum is on her own now and she doesn’t fly! She has many phobias to do with travel so I would have to always come back to her.” - this would be a deal breaker for me.

That said, in my opinion, these would be the main reasons to move to NZ:

The pace of life. It is not as fast and stressful. It just feels like there’s more time for living .
An outdoorsy lifestyle. You don’t have to be an avid mountain biker/kayaker/triathlete but you should be someone who gets joy from the outdoors - walking, picnics, bbqs, days at the beach.
More sunshine hours. The winter days aren’t as long and dark and there is significantly more sunshine in summer.
It is breathtakingly beautiful in a way that fills your heart. Yes parts of the UK are beautiful too but honestly you could live almost anywhere in NZ and still have stunning scenery just on your doorstep. Even in its biggest city Auckland has beautiful beaches in and just outside it.
Your kids will (probably) have more of a carefree childhood. Yes maybe the education standards won’t be as high, but they will be allowed to be kids longer without having exam stress piled on from an early age. This would be one of my main reasons for moving home - I want my child to experience a kiwi childhood.

Lots of posters have raised very valid drawbacks (house prices, food prices, remoteness, etc). None of what I’ve put above means I don’t think these are true, it’s just about weighing what’s important to you and what you can afford financially.

Good luck making this decision together.

HarridansOfUsAll · 07/06/2024 14:10

Fulshaw · 07/06/2024 14:09

I‘m honestly surprised that so many people are answering the OP as if she’s asked a normal question i.e. should we emigrate to NZ?

Her question actually is ‘should I indulge my anxious and paranoid husband, who watches a lot of unverified TikTok crap, by uprooting ourselves and moving to the other side of the world to a country picked pretty much at random because he’s decided it’s safer?’

Yes, this is my take on it. The job is kind of a red herring as far as I'm concerned.

Fulshaw · 07/06/2024 14:09

I‘m honestly surprised that so many people are answering the OP as if she’s asked a normal question i.e. should we emigrate to NZ?

Her question actually is ‘should I indulge my anxious and paranoid husband, who watches a lot of unverified TikTok crap, by uprooting ourselves and moving to the other side of the world to a country picked pretty much at random because he’s decided it’s safer?’

MyQuaintDog · 07/06/2024 14:05

Moving abroad is really hard even when you want to. It would be a disaster for you. It may even end your marriage.

Abeona · 07/06/2024 13:59

Probablygreen · 07/06/2024 12:35

We visited New Zealand with the intention of moving there a couple of years ago. It’s a beautiful country and we loved our 6 week trip, but don’t underestimate just how remote everything is outside of Wellington and Auckland (even Wellington you don’t have to drive far to be in the middle of nowhere). That’s great if you’re looking for that kind of change, but just be aware that it is NOTHING like the UK. In the UK, even in fairly remote places you’ll find a supermarket within driving distance. In NZ we stayed a fair few places that were classed as towns but in reality had one corner shop, and nothing else for miles around. I was surprised at how culturally different it was too, it’s not just the UK with different weather. Having said that, as long as you know what to expect, you could have an amazing life there, especially if you love the outdoors. As much as we loved it and would go back to visit in a heartbeat, it’s not somewhere I could realistically see myself living long term.
Your DH should probably do a bit more research.

I feel exactly the same way. I love spending time there and temporarily enjoying all the silence and the feeling of being a long, long way from anywhere, with so few people for company. But it's not long before my desire for the texture that comes with an older society and culture and history kicks in, nor the desire for a good curry or for some world-leading theatre or buzzing arts festival. I couldn't bear to imagine never visiting Italy or France or Spain again because of travel costs: of never living in or visiting somewhere that is no more than 180 years old. The house I live in is older than anything in NZ.

This is not dissing NZ, it's acknowledging the differences. NZ is paradise for people who thrive on fresh air and sports and peace and quiet and nature, or who are happy to spend their days gardening and enjoying the small-town pleasures of their locality. Some people hate cities and don't thrive in busy spots: some people don't seem to need culture and history. I do: I didn't realise how badly I missed those things until I went to New Zealand.

OVienna · 07/06/2024 13:57

NC10125 · 07/06/2024 13:38

The very very first thing to do is to book a holiday to NZ for a couple of weeks and to go and check it out. Neither of you can decide how you would feel about living somewhere you have never been, or even really discuss it properly.

If you're reading this suggestion thinking its too difficult, too expensive, logistically too hard, too disruptive for your son, can't be done. Then bare in mind that you'll need to do it (annually? every two years?) to see friends and family in the UK.

^ 100%

Thudercatsrule · 07/06/2024 13:52

What war is going to affect the UK?

C152 · 07/06/2024 13:42

I think if he has an excellent job offer, you shouldn't automatically discount the move just because you are afraid of change. But I would question your DH further about his reasons. When I read the title of your post I thought it was going to be about your DH wanting to move because of the increasingly dire situation of absolutely everything in the UK, but if it really is because he has severe anxiety about the potential for war, I wouldn't be so quick to move. (I mean, he's not wrong about war - if Russia isn't stopped in Ukraine there will be another war within the next decade...how far it spreads is anyone's guess, but given that China is on the same side as Russia, I don't imagine that Australia and NZ will be much safer than the UK. BUT, any anxiety or mental health issues he has now, he will take with him. Whilst I think a move to NZ is more than likely to be hugely positive, that doesn't mean it will be problem free, and if he can't cope with those challenges, you may find youself 4 months post-move, half way around the world and in the same situation you're in now.)

I think it's reasonable for him to do a lot more research and share the results with you (what will the company relocation package be, will they pay for x number of trips back to the UK each year, education, healthcare, do both your parents needs support and what are the options for someone else providing that if you move, if you own property in the UK, will you rent it out or sell it etc), which I think you should consider with an open mind.

NC10125 · 07/06/2024 13:38

The very very first thing to do is to book a holiday to NZ for a couple of weeks and to go and check it out. Neither of you can decide how you would feel about living somewhere you have never been, or even really discuss it properly.

If you're reading this suggestion thinking its too difficult, too expensive, logistically too hard, too disruptive for your son, can't be done. Then bare in mind that you'll need to do it (annually? every two years?) to see friends and family in the UK.

Calliopespa · 07/06/2024 13:36

Notnowbarnaby · 07/06/2024 13:24

Oh gosh I don’t really know what to think now. I also can’t quite believe I just typed “gosh” but here we are 🤣

if there was a war I don’t know where I’d want to be, u hadn’t thought about it to be honest. I had thought that a boots on the ground in the UK war was very unlikely? And that we would more likely be under cyber attack/have issues with supply chain etc. perhaps I am being very naive? Obviously I understand we could be a nuclear target but once that starts no where in the world would be safe or as it was surely due to fallout etc.

DH got very anxious after Covid. He was convinced it was nothing and would amount to nothing and was really blindsided when it became very much something. I think it’s triggered some kind of protective instinct in him as he’s always looking several steps ahead at every eventuality and ways he can protect the family or mitigate any issues. He’s always been a very practical person so his anxiety has almost taken on a practical edge if that makes sense?

i think a couple of posters have said that I should do it for my husband and son. I do see the point but my son is happy and settled here, he has friends, he has a social circle. He’s not going to be upset if we don’t move to NZ. He doesn’t know it’s even on the cards and it wouldn’t mean much to him if it did. I do understand the thinking about opportunity in the future and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about leaving the country myself sometimes, it’s just that NZ is so so far.

my mum is on her own now and she doesn’t fly! She has many phobias to do with travel so I would have to always come back to her.

I think a lot of my resistance comes from the fact I don’t think DH wants to move to NZ because of anything it can offer apart from the fact that he sees it as a “safe” place from all the tensions that are escalating. He talks about the outdoorsy lifestyle etc but I genuinely do believe his main focus is that he thinks it’s some kind of end of the world sanctuary.

i have lots to think about and it’s good to have lots of different views and anecdotes so thank you for posting and thanks to those who have shared useful groups and resources. My mind is a bit boggled at the moment!

There’s that old quote op ( which I can’t remember exactly!) to the effect that “ you can never run from trouble: there ain’t no place that far.”

I think there’s a lot of truth in it.

Having said that, if you have, as you say, sometimes thought of moving, it probably wouldn’t hurt to look into his proposition. Having a good job offer on the table is a huge piece in the puzzle and, while I do appreciate the geographical distance and also the “ cultural differences”, the truth is that the cultural differences between uk and nz are far less than almost any other move. They are not the same, but probably as close as you’ll find; physical distance and cultural distance aren’t proportionate to each other.

In the end he may have his reasons for a move and you may have yours: they don’t need to be the same reason provided they are both catered for. DH and I are having similar discussions as there has been a slow change to life in the UK.

Original poster

Notnowbarnaby · 07/06/2024 13:24

Oh gosh I don’t really know what to think now. I also can’t quite believe I just typed “gosh” but here we are 🤣

if there was a war I don’t know where I’d want to be, u hadn’t thought about it to be honest. I had thought that a boots on the ground in the UK war was very unlikely? And that we would more likely be under cyber attack/have issues with supply chain etc. perhaps I am being very naive? Obviously I understand we could be a nuclear target but once that starts no where in the world would be safe or as it was surely due to fallout etc.

DH got very anxious after Covid. He was convinced it was nothing and would amount to nothing and was really blindsided when it became very much something. I think it’s triggered some kind of protective instinct in him as he’s always looking several steps ahead at every eventuality and ways he can protect the family or mitigate any issues. He’s always been a very practical person so his anxiety has almost taken on a practical edge if that makes sense?

i think a couple of posters have said that I should do it for my husband and son. I do see the point but my son is happy and settled here, he has friends, he has a social circle. He’s not going to be upset if we don’t move to NZ. He doesn’t know it’s even on the cards and it wouldn’t mean much to him if it did. I do understand the thinking about opportunity in the future and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about leaving the country myself sometimes, it’s just that NZ is so so far.

my mum is on her own now and she doesn’t fly! She has many phobias to do with travel so I would have to always come back to her.

I think a lot of my resistance comes from the fact I don’t think DH wants to move to NZ because of anything it can offer apart from the fact that he sees it as a “safe” place from all the tensions that are escalating. He talks about the outdoorsy lifestyle etc but I genuinely do believe his main focus is that he thinks it’s some kind of end of the world sanctuary.

i have lots to think about and it’s good to have lots of different views and anecdotes so thank you for posting and thanks to those who have shared useful groups and resources. My mind is a bit boggled at the moment!

OP posts:

Deathbyfluffy · 07/06/2024 13:16

NZ is fantastic, but it's very (very very) far away - any trip to see family and friends will be a rare one!
Plus having kids on a flight is a pain in the backside, especially entertaining them for that long.

It's a lovely country, but the distance alone would be a no from me (and I'm a huge travelling fan)

M103 · 07/06/2024 13:14

I would say No in your place. You haven't really researched this properly. He's going to have his fancy job, and you could potentially be stuck there with nothing going on for you and, as many posters have said, unable to return.

SwingTheMonkey · 07/06/2024 13:12

fungipie · 07/06/2024 13:00

From your child's point of view, it is the ideal time to move there. And for your OH, if the job offer is great, it is too. TBH- the UK is NOT in a good place at the moment, and he is right to be concerned. Perhaps not about war as such, although if it all kicks off either with Putin or in the MiddleEast, the UK will be highly involved, and it is not something I'd wish for my child's future. But mostly about the economy, etc. So many young people with ambition are looking to get out, and just can't- so he is very lucky to have the chance, especially on a great job promotion.

Were it me, and my child- I'd grab the chance with all my hands and more, and give my child the best future chances. We have moved around the world during our lives, and each experience has been so positive and enriching, in so so many ways. If you refuse, he will probably find it hard to get over it and blame you for holding both child and him back. Wish you luck.

Ah yes… at the heart of every successful emigration story, lies a spouse feeling forced into moving to the other side of the world for fear of her husband blaming her for ruining his life…

fungipie · 07/06/2024 13:00

From your child's point of view, it is the ideal time to move there. And for your OH, if the job offer is great, it is too. TBH- the UK is NOT in a good place at the moment, and he is right to be concerned. Perhaps not about war as such, although if it all kicks off either with Putin or in the MiddleEast, the UK will be highly involved, and it is not something I'd wish for my child's future. But mostly about the economy, etc. So many young people with ambition are looking to get out, and just can't- so he is very lucky to have the chance, especially on a great job promotion.

Were it me, and my child- I'd grab the chance with all my hands and more, and give my child the best future chances. We have moved around the world during our lives, and each experience has been so positive and enriching, in so so many ways. If you refuse, he will probably find it hard to get over it and blame you for holding both child and him back. Wish you luck.

Rookangaroo4 · 07/06/2024 12:58

Our best friends moved there about 15 years ago. They did go and scout around to see where they wanted to live. They absolutely love it and so do their kids, both now adults. It’s very expensive to come back though so they’ve only done it twice. Last visit though they did say it would probably be their last trip back as they dislike it so much here now.

curious79 · 07/06/2024 12:54

One last thought, if there were a war (and frankly people saying this is unlikely are deluded), where would you want to be? Personally, I don’t know that I would want to be away from family and friends. Even if we are suffering in it all altogether, missing out on mangoes in the supermarket, being rationed etc. One thing that would happen in a war is international travel would become either highly expensive or nye on impossible. It’s already expensive going to New Zealand.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 07/06/2024 12:49

You are allowed to say ‘no, I have absolutely no wish to leave the UK and won’t discuss it any further’. If you shut it down immediately, it will be easier for your DH to move on from the idea and get help for his anxiety issues.

bonzaitree · 07/06/2024 12:35

If you don’t want to go say you don’t want to go and that you moving there isn’t going to work for you.

The TikTok algorithm will show you content that keeps you hooked. So if he is watching loads of stuff about the UK getting into a war then the algo will just keep feeding him that content.

I don’t think his concerns about us going to war are well founded. Sounds more like anxiety if you ask me.

If you aren’t sure about moving to NZ and it’s an idea you’re happy to explore then suggest you head over for a holiday for as long as you can manage. I sure as hell would never consider emigrating to a country that id never visited.