Expecting 73 year old mother to travel to visit us?

What I mean is are there underlying reasons why you're not going to see her other than what you stated?

why does there have to be underlying reasons?

OP is planning to maintain her 3 x per year visits, just not replace the 3x visits from DM by going up 6x per year.

I think 3x per year for a parent who lives at that distance, who is difficult company, stresses about the grandchildren breaking things and doesn’t like her SIL is more than reaosnable!

you're not happy she moved away then? Is that why you feel like you do now, like an I told you so? What I mean is are there underlying reasons why you're not going to see her other than what you stated?

OP is making the point that her DM moved away from her own parents (OP’s DGPs) to another country, I think.

So any guilt tripping from DM about daughters living far away for work/family is hypocrisy.

It's a bugger, isn't it. My Mum is 91 and left work long before email etc were standard. She is a very anxious person and terrified of technology until she gets used to it and it becomes normalised - no problem with the cooker, washing machine, TV and other things she has to use day in, day out, but not keen to learn to use anything new.

My Dad did have to get to grips with computers at work and I think enjoyed the challenge, in the last few years before he retired. After that he had a home computer which he used a lot for emails related to various voluntary activities, some online purchases and internet banking. He never had a smartphone, which I think is a shame, as he would have got to grips with it and found it useful, and would probably have been able to get my Mum to use one too. Sadly we never thought to press him on this. He wasn't keen to have a mobile at all but I think a lot of that was because he'd not really grasped quite how useful all the non-phone applications can be. Odd, as many of their friends did get them.

Dad died last year so now Mum has to manage on her own. She can scarcely use a mobile phone, utterly refuses to use the desktop PC and uses an ipad purely to do Wordle and occasionally google a few things. WhatsApp would be such a useful way to keep in touch and send on photos etc but it's no go. Thank goodness for the landline!

I totally get it OP.

I am an only DC and DPs are properly elderly DM is 85 and DF 90.
I do what I can and thankfully they only live an hour away so I can visit fairly frequently ( won't say how often as I'm sure it won't be acceptable to the remember they are your DPs and haven't much time left brigade). DH sometimes says how would I feel if they passed away tomorrow, well to be fair I've done a lot more for them than he did for his DPs, so actually I wouldn't feel guilty.

But you have three young DCs and are the main carer. Of course you can't drop everything to toddle off on a regular basis, and yes I would find it hurtful that she doesn't accept you are a family unit.

I'd try again with the taxi to the train station combo- see if you can get a company that specialises in ferrying older people. I know we took some ubers abroad and some of the drivers were pretty terrifying, I just shut my eyes. If that's not a goer, just keep stressing that you will all come up three times a year, maybe try and squeeze in one annual solo visit.

My comments was, don't ignore it as you said it wasn't a concern just yet and none of us know....but now I'm not sure what your point is by saying others have died ...doesn't that bring it closer not further away or is it not wanting to think about it?
So you're not happy she moved away then? Is that why you feel like you do now, like an I told you so? What I mean is are there underlying reasons why you're not going to see her other than what you stated?

That doesn’t mean I should feel guilty about not prioritising solo time with DM over other things I consider more important (and which she definitely doesn’t) such as my DCs/career/family time. If we were living closer then that would be different because it would be easy to pop in for a cuppa. But that’s not the case (something else I don’t think I should feel guilty about, after all, DM chose to live in an entirely different country to her family!)

absolutley right not to feel guilty - and anyway, DBro is up there for the “pop in” visits!

I am sympathetic because DM is the same, mindset wise.

She will not adopt anything internet related despite email having been around since she was in her late 50s, say. If I want to speak to her on the phone, it has to be around her commitments of cleaner, carer etc - but she will complain if she phones during the work day and I don’t have time to talk etc

I think the fundamental issue OP has is that her DM’s “solution” is for OP to do exactly as she wants ie come up on her own to visit. It’s possible DBro could bring DM halfway in the car and OP could meet her there. Or that DM could do that halfway in a private hire taxi. All sorts of things are possible, but DM is assuming that the one that suits her best is the one that should happen.

OP has offered to have a weekend break in London with her mum. For which she would presumably meet her off the train at KX and then go together to a hotel. DM doesn’t want to do this.

I did it one year and found after walking what felt like miles the lift was off, the escalators were off and after doing all that, there was another bloody set of steps. And the previous Penzance service was cancelled, so there were no reservations, meaning I spent 5 hours sitting on the floor by the toilet as the aisles were so blocked (as were seats) with cases that the guard couldn't get along to tell passengers to move them.

Pig of a journey.

Could you speak to some taxi firms, see if any can offer a reassuring driver who doesn't drive too fast etc.

The bit about the route made me smile. I am not the world's best driver and I refuse to let DF dictate routes to me as he barks out turns at the very last minute. I was driving them out for lunch and he started suddenly shouting loudly at me and I almost crashed the car. Turns out the sat nav route was not his preferred one, but it got us there and he grudgingly admitted it was about the same length of time as his route.

When some visitors came over they were horrified I wouldn't let 90 year old DF sit in the front, but I'm not putting myself and all my passengers in danger by allowing him to shout and unnerve me.

I guess what I am trying to say is do what you can, but you're a person too.

My MIL is similar age and does similar journey when visiting us. We can tell it is taking more out of her in the last year than it has in the past. She used to be really fit and healthy but is beginning to get some health conditions in the last couple of years. Luckily having previously been fit it hasn’t hit her as hard as it could but does still impact her. I know there will come a time when she won’t manage the journey, and it might be sooner than we originally thought it would be

One tube, Hammersmith and City, KX to Paddington.

I do that journey to visit a friend in Devon and she does it in reverse to come here to Cambridgeshire. It’s a long and confusing walk from the tube to the platform. We both hate the London leg of the journey.

That route can be very busy paddington is a lot of walking especially if you're on the wrong platform. And is rammed with people going to/from Heathrow with numerous cases. For many the whole tube thing is just too much and she does sound very anxious.
I wouldn't ignore it and assume she has years left my kids lost all 4 of their grandparents in 2 years the oldest one just made 70 and was working 2 months earlier. It's never nice facing up to our parents aging and brings up our own mortality but it does sound like she's aging more than you realise.

Driving to Derby doesn't mean much without knowing how long the journey is. You could be in a near by village and it is under ten miles for all we know.

I'm 70 and happily do a 5 hour journey to visit one of my kids, I still don't enjoy the train journey to London followed by a tube changes and another train.

You are being very judgemental.

Would you go if it was a 4 hour journey on several trains and multiple tubes with overnight bags?

This. Absolutely.

Remember that things change you say she still flies - but does she really? when did she last fly? is she planning to again? Sooner or later she'll probably stop wanting to do that alone.

If you can afford it or she can (even if saving up means fewer trips) is paying for a private car an option? (sort of executive transport type cars - they are usually cheaper for long distance if pre-booked in advance than a taxi for a looong way)

I am 74. Until my DH died this year I drove north for 3 hours to our second home every 3/4 weeks. I am going to drive to Derby on Monday to dog-sit for my DD who is going on a work trip to the US - her partner is out all day and their dog has anxiety issues, which I hope he does not pass on to my dog! I am planning to drive to Newark in July (if I get a space) for a book sale. Your DM obv does not want to see you with DCs and DH. It means visiting her, probably, but do so reluctantly and on your terms only i.e. when you are free. She is being manipulative.

Your children need to see their Grandma

well, Grandma doesn’t see it that way. See the op.

“and sadly also seems to have little time for my kids, she seems much happier when she’s just with me, and she can talk at me for hours about whatever she likes. “

Going across London on the tube with a suitcase isn't much fun for anyone at any age, least of all when you're in your 70's. She could get knocked over, feel very anxious & uneasy etc. Flying is completely different - presumably she gets taxi or lift to airport, then only has to negotiate airport stuff & have a scooter take her if necessary. Why can't you arrange to meet her off her train in London & then do the tube & the rest of the journey with her? Your children need to see their Grandma and your Mum needs to see you too. Surely you can get childcare for a day to go & help your Mum so that she can visit. It sounds rather selfish to me.

I'm in a similar situation OP, except my DM has always been very reluctant to travel - doesn't like to drive too far, and won't take public transport unless it's a very short straightforward journey. Nothing to do with age although she is now near 80 it's always been like this. All through my 20s, 30s, 40s, I sucked it up and did the 2 hour journey to see her. She then moved further away (4 hours drive, longer on public transport, including 2 tubes across London to switch trains). And still expected me to do the travelling. Which I did for the first couple of years.

But now I'm a bit older myself, I have a back problem that makes long journeys uncomfortable amd carrying luggage difficult, menopause has left me less confident than I used to be about driving long distances and I generally have less energy and more commitments than when I was younger.

I've offered to meet halfway and various other ideas, but been refused. So we basically don't see each other. It is what it is; I know she's upset about it, but she still won't make the effort. The only options from her perspective are that I do the travelling to her, or she has suggested that my DH could do the 8 hour round trip twice to pick her up and take her back! Which I am not asking him to do.