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AIBU?

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Original poster

Pregnant to another woman’s husband

209 replies

antybus24 · 06/06/2024 01:13

Backstory:

I met a guy on Tinder last September. We hit it off, had several dates and it went cold. Didn’t think anything more of it- until come February, I found out I was pregnant.

Tried to contact the guy- he had changed his number. Went to an address I had met him at before, turned out it was an Air BnB he had rented. I literally had no other way to contact him so I carried on and decided to do it alone.

Fast forward to April and got a Facebook message request- which turn out to be this guys wife. I asked her if we could meet for coffee as we needed to talk, insisted I knew nothing about her existence (which I didn’t) but we needed to talk. Met up with her a few days later and it turns out they have a son who is my daughter’s year at school (my daughter changed schools last September). I told her the news, naturally she was upset and left.

Fast forward a few days and I get a phone call from the head of my daughters school saying she is being bullied and I, my ex and the bully’s parents were called into the school- and yep, you guessed it. It was him and his wife. My daughter was distraught, stayed with her dad for a while and came back just over a week ago. We are hardly talking still.

BD has since contacted me and said he wants to be part of his child’s life- which I respect. What I can’t respect though is the fact his wife told their son and he and others have chosen to bully my daughter over it- me and her Dad are considering, again, moving her schools next year and talking about home schooling.

He is saying he is going to contact a solicitor and looking into joint custody. He hasn’t made an effort until recently (I suspect his wife told him straight away, he certainly knew when we were called into the school), hasn’t offered to attend a single appointment or offered a single penny towards the various baby shite that’s currently cluttering my spare room. Plus I just think it’s fucked that he still lives with his wife and wants to take a child that was made from the result of his affair into their home?! She doesn’t want anything to do with me but he tells me she is OK with it and I just can’t see that being true.

I have asked at least the 3 of us need to sit down and have a discussion. I am happy for him to be part of his child’s life, but I can’t let him take my child into a home where I believe it will be unwelcome surely?

AIBU?

OP posts:
NonPlayerCharacter · 06/06/2024 04:58

You couldn't find him through social media, but his wife, who didn’t know you, found you through Facebook?

RawBloomers · 06/06/2024 04:31

Your story has some gaps, so I'm not sure how worthwhile any advice you receive here will be, but I can see why you are reluctant to have much involvement from the dad and his family if the first thing that happened when his partner and DC found out was that your other DC got bullied. That was pretty vile of them.

As someone else pointed out though, it's not your decision. given the school had to call you all in, you presumably have evidence of the bullying you could use in court, but unless the bullying is repeated in a provable way, I doubt a court would bar contact. If you don't want him to see her much your best bet would be to move far enough away that a court would think shared residency during the week would be unreasonable once DC reached school age, but it won't stop weekend or holiday contact at any point nor midweek nights before school age. With another DC already in school who has contact with her father, that may not be much of an option and certainly not one without significant cost for others.

McSpoot · 06/06/2024 04:12

How did the guy's wife find you?

Rubbishconfession · 06/06/2024 02:34

I don’t understand why you told his wife you were pregnant and why you now want a 3 way discussion including her?

Did you claim CMS for the baby? I suppose she would have found out via her husband eventually.

I agree you need to move dd’s school asap.

SpringerFall · 06/06/2024 02:14

You have decided to have a baby daddy you now have to live with the consequences no legally you can't pick and choose what you do, you could benefit from getting legal advice and for your daughter to get some professional help to help her through all this mess

iamtheblcksheep · 06/06/2024 02:09

I know what I would have done in these circumstances but I suspect it’s too late for that given the timeline you’ve given.

This is one sorry mess.

The wife isn’t ok with it. He’s talking shit again. You need to make your peace with her.

Your main priority is your existing daughter at the moment. She is being harassed and bullied for something that is nothing to do with her. If you can’t get her out of there for the new school year your babies ‘father’ needs to deal with his son as a priority

Mothership4two · 06/06/2024 02:01

🤔

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 06/06/2024 01:42

You have no choice.
You decided to keep his baby and under UK law that baby has a right to a family life and to knownits father.

The courts won't stop him from having significant contact with his child because he's in a long term relationship in a secure home.

Also forget the idea of sitting down with the 3bof you she doenst want to and you can't force her

Ponderingwindow · 06/06/2024 01:38

You took a risk by having a child with a man you don’t really know. Barring egregious behavior, he is able to petition the court for parenting time. It will start slowly which will give everyone time to acclimate.

it’s also possible that he will disappear just as quickly as he reappeared in your life. His marriage is bound to be undergoing intense strain and your shared child will be a constant reminder of their problems. Many men abandon their children in similar circumstances.

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