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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable in working class pubs as a woman of colour?

181 replies

Dreamsaregood · 05/06/2024 22:23

Just that really. I walked in and immediately got heckled by a (presumably) drunk man. Why did this man think this is ok?

I felt really uncomfortable after that and he continued to stare at me every time I walked past. It ruined my evening, and to be honest I felt a little threatened being the only woman of colour in my group.

AIBU to think very carefully before agreeing to meet up in certain places (local pubs etc)?

OP posts:
Temushopper · 06/06/2024 09:27

Sd352 · 06/06/2024 09:04

To those of you with your wide-eyed “what is a working class pub?” could you tell just by looking at their web pages which of these pubs near me is a working class pub:

https://roseofdenmarkpub.co.uk/

https://www.enderbyhousepub.co.uk/

Here’s a hint: one I would happily go to with my dog and just sit and read a book by the river with a glass of wine or a beer. The other I have never stepped foot in and don’t intend to.

Your local working class pub looks a bit like our nice ones (at least from outside). I was expecting something like this

To feel uncomfortable in working class pubs as a woman of colour?
NeverEnoughPants · 06/06/2024 09:23

AppleStrudel23 · 06/06/2024 09:18

You said your friends felt comfortable and not you.. was this your first time in pubs like this or you don't go to them regularly? I don't think it's a race thing I think it's a woman thing

What makes you think that? Do you have some insight that op (and her lived experience of being a WOC, and also being the person actually in the pub) doesn't have?

Dreamsaregood · 06/06/2024 09:23

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/06/2024 08:14

I think you are correct OP. I feel moderately uncomfortable in these pubs as a white woman but I think they are probably much more intimidating for POC.

As a PP said these are usually very insular people who are uncomfortable with people who don’t look and act like them and dislike any change to the status quo.

They know it’s unacceptable to be overtly racist but feel they have to put people in neat boxes and comment on their points of difference in a way which subtly (or not so subtly) says “you’re not one of us, I know I have to be polite to you but be aware this is my domain and you are operating here with my approval and on my terms. Break the rules in any way or fail to fall into line with my worldview and I will become hostile.”

Yes this a good way to describe it. I felt so very uncomfortable walking past him, and he was looking at me (up and down) every time I walked past.

I feel annoyed I put myself in that situation, I came home and am still upset about it today. I grew up deprived and poor, but worked hard and I think you can fool yourself with an education, good middle class job, house, a car to drive so no suffer abuse on the streets, then this sort of thing brings you back down to earth with a bump. You are just the colour of your skin
to a lot of people in this country. That is what it boils down to.

OP posts:
AppleStrudel23 · 06/06/2024 09:18

You said your friends felt comfortable and not you.. was this your first time in pubs like this or you don't go to them regularly? I don't think it's a race thing I think it's a woman thing

Temushopper · 06/06/2024 09:17

YANBU OP. I think there is an underlying discomfort in having some obvious difference vs everyone else and them noticing and making it obvious they have.
As white women in a predominantly white county we are unlikely to experience that often (if at all).

The closest I’ve come to the feeling you describe was when visiting a mall in a predominantly black neighbourhood in Virginia with a uni friend. I felt very much unwelcome. I didn’t see a single other white person the whole time we were there. Lots of small groups of men watched us as we walked past and glared and a couple of groups shouted something.

It’s horrible to feel that way and it’s
really intimidating. I’m so sorry it’s a common experience for people in the U.K. It’s awful there are lots of places WOC feel uncomfortable, intimidated or unsafe and it shouldn’t be like that. Since it is though you are absolutely not unreasonable to stay away from that/similar pubs and suggest a meet up somewhere you do feel welcome.

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/06/2024 09:17

I'm so so sorry this happened to you. What a vile little man.

Kendodd · 06/06/2024 09:14

The irony with this is these men sneering at you, and bottom line is they think they're better than you. They probably have a lot more in common with you and the daily struggles you face of just paying the bills and getting though the month than they do with the blokes they hero worship like Farage, Johnson etc.

Sd352 · 06/06/2024 09:04

To those of you with your wide-eyed “what is a working class pub?” could you tell just by looking at their web pages which of these pubs near me is a working class pub:

https://roseofdenmarkpub.co.uk/

https://www.enderbyhousepub.co.uk/

Here’s a hint: one I would happily go to with my dog and just sit and read a book by the river with a glass of wine or a beer. The other I have never stepped foot in and don’t intend to.

The Rose of Denmark

https://roseofdenmarkpub.co.uk/

Kendodd · 06/06/2024 09:04

What awful little shits.
You've got the sharp end of both their racism and their sexism.
You hold your ground OP make sure you are surrounded by friends who love you, and go anywhere you want.
Fuck 'um.

SnazzyShambles · 06/06/2024 08:55

As a WOC it’s encouraging that the majority of posters are offering support

Bouledeneige · 06/06/2024 08:55

YANBU OP.

Bouledeneige · 06/06/2024 08:54

I'm white but have experienced the change in atmosphere going into a pub and to the shops in Norfolk with my friend who is a WOC. They weren't especially working class pubs but they were totally white. I really noticed the change of atmosphere and it made me realise what her life experience is. She didn't say much to me about it at the time but it really unnerved me and her white husband directly asked us about it when we came back.

NeverEnoughPants · 06/06/2024 08:51

HRTQueen · 06/06/2024 08:23

Ffs the racists can’t stop with the Megan hate can they

They should be banned from MN

They have been banned now. Thanks mumsnet!

Dweetfidilove · 06/06/2024 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Maybe / maybe not. She’s free to tell us here if and when it happens, and we’ll support her; not question whether her feelings are valid 🙄.

ilovesooty · 06/06/2024 08:48

Dreamsaregood · 06/06/2024 06:03

Thank you to those validating how I feel.

I think I sometimes fool myself into thinking things have progressed since I was growing up in the 2000s as these people incidents rarely happen anymore. But this is likely because of the little bubble I have created - such as moving into a more affluent area with more diversity, affluence.

Believe it or not this happened in a major UK city, so it is not that there is no likely diversity in this man's day to day life.

My friends did not feel out of place at all - they were oblivious to why I felt uncomfortable. This is a privilege you just don't have being a WOC.

I'm a white woman and have never felt uncomfortable in pub settings. You've been clear that for you this was about being a WOC and some people have insisted on making this a sex based issue and haven't heard what you said. I'm sorry this happened to you.

NeverEnoughPants · 06/06/2024 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm curious as to your reason for posting this.

Do you think that if it 'goes both ways', that it's ok? Like a 'tit for tat' situation?

Or do you think that people should 'self-segregate' and stay away from places where they are in a minority?

Or are you just posting for shits and giggles?

I honestly don't know.

Dweetfidilove · 06/06/2024 08:43

I’m sorry you experienced this, OP.

If it’s not the heckling, it’s the constant glances or blatant staring.

Of course it wouldn’t be complete without folks telling you it’s all imagined. Sigh 😞

Dweetfidilove · 06/06/2024 08:43

I’m sorry you experienced this, OP.

If it’s not the heckling, it’s the constant glances or blatant staring.

Of course it wouldn’t be complete without folks telling you it’s all imagined. Sigh 😞

Iaskedyouthrice · 06/06/2024 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Is there a point you are trying to make here on this thread by a WOC who experienced racism?
Imagine writing that.
I'm sorry you had this experience OP 💐

Simplepink · 06/06/2024 08:34

My oldest friend is mixed race. We are from a northern town ourselves but once went to Newcastle and ended up off the main drag in a WMC.

An old dude came over pissed and started telling us he had a black mate and would give him a ring to come along to the pub 🤣🤦‍♀️

this was only about 15 years ago

HappyGoLucky96 · 06/06/2024 08:32

I don’t mean to sound horrible or nasty in any way but I was just talking about this yesterday with a mutual friend,
she was talking about the current situation regarding all immigrants illegally boat crossings etc etc.. people who genuinely should not be in the UK illegally, her Grampa is very older and used to speaking in old times probably about late 70s close to 80! That most raced people who are not white are tarred with the same brush these days? People here are just so fed up with us working our ass off etc and these people are walking in to free childcare,housing,benefits and food electricity housing them everything that we work hard for was her grampas argument? So really I think most people who are against all these illegal immigration are just classing everybody that’s has dark skin the same? I was in a taxi the other day and the driver was been very rude saying I was stopped at the traffic lights and seen 37 black people coming out of the school? This is turning in to the USA I was gobsmacked he also said any black person that comes in the taxi and asks to pay card he said I tell card machine not working even though it is? Some people can be very horrible OP.
the world is different now and I think this is just really a small handful of people this is your country as much as it’s everyone else’s.

CaptainHaddocksPychotherapist · 06/06/2024 08:31

Dennerfold · 06/06/2024 08:16

Thank you. I take exception at the “working class pub”. Pubs are open to all “classes” you don’t know who is in there and their socioeconomic status and background.

No, so why assume a pub is working class as opposed to any other class for a pub clientel?

And I said historically, public houses were w/c. Historically.

DryYourEyes · 06/06/2024 08:27

mycatisanarcissist · 06/06/2024 08:25

That person has only been posting goady stuff on threads. I think there's a word for what they are but I'm not going to say it.

I’ve noticed them on other threads too and it’s clear what they are.

Flipzandchipz · 06/06/2024 08:27

@EmilyTjP Ive reported you too

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/06/2024 08:26

@Dennerfold

Thank you. I take exception at the “working class pub”. Pubs are open to all “classes” you don’t know who is in there and their socioeconomic status and background.

Pubs are open to all classes but there are definitely some which target some demographics and some which target others. And some where particular subgroups of people are not made welcome. We all know what the OP is referring to. Sky Sports on every wall, white middle aged blokes sitting silently at the bar from 11am until closing time knocking back pints.

I don’t think middle class pubs are immune from racism by the way. But there isn’t usually this rump of hardcore white regulars who are in there every day being slightly menacing to non regulars in most middle class pubs.