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Original poster

Going partying with a group of strangers then back to hotel room?

138 replies

Princessfinella · 05/06/2024 20:55

Would you care about this?

Been with my boyfriend for about six months.

Earlier in the year, he mentioned he hadn't been on holiday for a couple of years and has had a stressful time over the last year, so I suggested he took a holiday.
I think he mentioned going with a friend but that sort of fell through (the friend had already booked a holiday this year with other people) so I encouraged him to book a week away on his own.

He left last weekend and has gone to Tenerife.

The first night, he landed at around 9pm and messaged me a bit while he was going through security and waiting for the transfer bus, then it got late so I went to bed.
The next day, I found a message from 11.30 that night with photos of his room and saying he'd only just found that he's got a balcony, then when I replied he told me that he'd been downstairs to the bar, "made some friends" and they invited him to the disco, so he went with them and didn't get to sleep until 5am.

A bit later when I jokingly asked if he'd sat on his balcony yet, he said "not mine but I sat on my friends' balcony when I went back to their room".

I questioned him a bit and he said the group that invited him to the disco, were a Spanish group who saw him sitting alone and I introduced themselves and invited him to the disco. Then he went back to their room for more drinks.

I (half jokingly) asked if girls had been involved and he said that the one guy was on a stag do, his mate was there and they "had two girls with them...not sure if they were 'with' them or they just picked them up".

This immediately made me feel really weird. He says he told them he had a girlfriend but why on earth would a grown man in his 40s - who has a girlfriend - agree to go partying with a guy on a stag do, his drunk mate and two girls and then go back to their room afterwards?!

He can't see the issue and is saying he was anxious being on his own, so wondered whether I'm wrong to be a bit put out by his behaviour? And honestly, concerned. Just seems a bit risky going to someone's hotel room with a group of people you don't know, although it is a large chain hotel (Hard Rock).

He also keeps referring to the random people he meets as "friends" and has added one guy to his FB already...

OP posts:
tennesseewhiskey1 · 07/06/2024 08:50

God OP - you sound incredibly mean, he has dodged a bullet with you! You asked him to go on holiday, then he makes friends, and suddenly he's a liability, childish and you need to dump him. What kind of person does this!?

whitefluffytrainers93 · 07/06/2024 08:49

Princessfinella · 05/06/2024 21:58

That is what he said. He was trying to fit in

I mean, maybe I am being unreasonable then. He just comes across as a bit of a liability at times - like, it seems risky going back to their hotel room and he just says if I was with him he wouldn't do stuff like that, but he was anxious and wanted to fit in so was easily led

I think it's that which bothers me more. The childlike nature of his behaviour, and calling all these people 'friends' and adding them to Facebook.

I'd chat to people maybe but I wouldn't consider them friends or have them on my Facebook.

Why is this childlike? He had fun. Does that have to stop when you're 40? Me and a friend went on a city break and we rarely let our hair down! But we danced and partied and made new friends until 5am! Poor guy, sounds scared of you! I am so used to reading posts on here where men are unreasonable but you sound controlling and a fun sponge. It would be nice to call him today and say 'I'm sorry I over reacted go and have a good time.' Instead you've made him feel shit about himself!

whitefluffytrainers93 · 07/06/2024 08:46

Sounds like he's having fun! He's in his forties he was open and honest with you. He's on holiday, why shouldn't he have a good time? Think you need to work on your anxious attachment style.

GreenFairies · 07/06/2024 08:45

Princessfinella · 07/06/2024 07:08

Well, firstly he has form for withholding information but secondly, I specifically asked whether he was going to keep in touch with those people he keeps calling friends after the holiday and he said he wouldn't be seeing them again - so he chose his wording carefully which to me, feels dodgy.
How do I know he hasn't given the girls his number or added women to his Facebook when he wouldn't even offer up the fact that he was indeed going to keep in touch with at least one of the group as he'd added them to Facebook? He says when I asked, he didn't feel it was relevant

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Ah…so because everyone has said you are being massively unreasonable, you’ve started to focus on the girls because one poster pointed out it’s the girls that make you uncomfortable. Smart move OP.

Doesn’t change a thing - you’re still being controlling.

morellamalessdrama · 07/06/2024 07:14

Just let him enjoy his holiday and have a proper chat with him when he gets home. If you want to break up with him it would be really harsh to do this on the trip, that you'd encouraged him to go on, just because you are feeling cross.

It sounds like he's trying to have a nice time and fit in and you've set out out to ruin it. It's very sad.

Original poster
Princessfinella · 07/06/2024 07:08

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 06/06/2024 20:56

You sound like an absolute nightmare. How was what he said a lie!? He absolutely hit the nail on the head when he said you were waiting to flick a switch on him. Throw this one back OP so he can find someone else.

Well, firstly he has form for withholding information but secondly, I specifically asked whether he was going to keep in touch with those people he keeps calling friends after the holiday and he said he wouldn't be seeing them again - so he chose his wording carefully which to me, feels dodgy.
How do I know he hasn't given the girls his number or added women to his Facebook when he wouldn't even offer up the fact that he was indeed going to keep in touch with at least one of the group as he'd added them to Facebook? He says when I asked, he didn't feel it was relevant

OP posts:
Alectrona · 07/06/2024 00:57

Oh god. Grow up. If he goes on holiday on his own he's going to talk to people. What did you expect? You sound very immature.

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 06/06/2024 20:56

You sound like an absolute nightmare. How was what he said a lie!? He absolutely hit the nail on the head when he said you were waiting to flick a switch on him. Throw this one back OP so he can find someone else.

MadKittenWoman · 06/06/2024 19:15

Moveoverdarlin · 05/06/2024 23:56

What did you think a single man would do in Tenerife every night?

*Appreciate he’s not technically single but you sent him off on holiday on his own. Funny choice to go to Tenerife when it’s quite a lively (some would say tacky) resort bursting at the seams with stag and hen dos at this time of year.

You should have sent him on a yoga retreat in Outer Mongolia if you wanted him to not speak to other holiday makers. He’s in his 40s not 90s.

Tenerife is not a 'resort', It is an island with a wide range of landscapes and culture. Only one small area, Las Americas, is a tacky, Brits abroad, stag and hen type place.

Trainday · 06/06/2024 18:08

I'd have joined them, if they'd included me in their evening and I was travelling alone and I'm a 54yo woman.

That's the great thing about going on holiday (or anywhere really) by yourself, you get to know peole you just wouldn't otherwise meet.

I had a lovely time with a group of young(ish) men on a stag do in Newcastle last weekend.

BudgetQ · 06/06/2024 17:57

You sound like the controlling one in this relationship, OP.

Seems like you’ve realised you’re not a good mix and plan to finish things. Perhaps it’s all for the best anyway, you clearly don’t trust him.

Catsbreakfast · 06/06/2024 17:49

Princessfinella · 06/06/2024 08:34

Ok but he'll be wanting to chat to me for the next few days while he's away....

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Sounds like he’s dodged a bullet with you breaking up. Jesus Christ.

Original poster
Princessfinella · 06/06/2024 16:59

In answer to those asking, he used to be a bit of a party guy in his early 20s but settled down in his late 20s, got married and they turned into a bit of a 'twee' kind of couple - always at the zoo wearing pack a macs so I thought he'd changed (I knew him when he was a party guy).

He didn't want to go on his own but he asked a friend who was busy the week he wanted to go, I didn't have the money and had work commitments so encouraged him to take the holiday on his own.

I encouraged him to let his hair down a bit and enjoy himself, he booked a medieval castle as one of the excursions so I thought he was still in twee mode I guess!
I didn't expect him to go back to this groups hotel room and start drinking whisky and coke that they bought 'for the room' until 5am, that's all. I'm pleased he's having fun, it just shocked me he'd done that particular thing given his past as mentioned in my other reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
Princessfinella · 06/06/2024 16:47

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 06/06/2024 10:47

I think it's a big stretch to refer to someone you have only just met as a " friend". You know nothing really about them apart from you have been able to enjoy their company on a social occasion. That's not friendship. It might develop into friendship but it really devalues the meaning of friendship to refer to new casual acquaintances as "friends ".

Edited
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The reason I've taken issue with the friends word is that despite being a intelligent man in a well paid job in IT, he said he's very easily led and doesn't really know how to 'read the room' in social situations.

At risk of being outing, once he told me he had been out on the town in a country he was holidaying in alone (in his mid 20s) with a group of people he'd just met and that night one of the guys from the group offered to let him stay over and sleep in his bed - but top and tail. My guy agreed, thinking it was innocent and then woke up to the guy touching him which freaked him out. So to me, he's either quite naive or quite vulnerable.

He always classes everyone as a friend immediately, over shares and generally gets himself used by those people, whilst still thinking the sun shines out of their backsides (other friends of his comment on this too) so that's why I tend to call him out when he gets too friendly, too quickly.

He has also told me I'm the love of his life and we've only been dating a few months ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Princessfinella · 06/06/2024 16:37

Wordsofprey · 06/06/2024 10:28

Also, you're talking about risks of him going to a strangers hotel room with a group of people partying, as if he is a teenage girl. I think the mid 40s man can handle himself in most situations that pop up in these circumstances.

But this is the thing - without wanting to infantilise him, he does act very strangely. He admits he doesn't have the same social skills as most people, has told me he's easily led and without going into any details has got himself into quite dangerous situations before through lack of..common sense, for want of a better word.

OP posts:
Printspped · 06/06/2024 14:34

Men tend do take more risk than women and don’t see something like this as risky.

sandorschicken · 06/06/2024 14:31

OP - when you told them to go away on holiday by himself, what did you intend for him to do?

Also, why didn't you go with him?

SquirrelSoShiny · 06/06/2024 14:12

You don't seem keen on him and you're already becoming his emotional support animal based on your updates. You're getting the ick. Trust your gut.

YorkNew · 06/06/2024 14:11

My friends adult DC did this a couple of weeks ago, they were drugged by the new ‘friends’ they met and woke up 14 hours later, robbed with the room wrecked. Luckily alive and not sexually assaulted.

Eviebeans · 06/06/2024 14:05

Why didn't you go with him

Bobbotgegrinch · 06/06/2024 13:59

Half the fun of going on holiday by yourself is the fact you make a load of new friends!

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 06/06/2024 13:47

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 06/06/2024 13:30

It sounded like judging to me. Based on whether someone knows someone well or not. But whatevs.
Have a nice day.

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How is it "judging" to give an opinion on what constitutes friendship? OP's partner can do whatever he wants. OP can do whatever she wants. All I'm saying is IN MY OPINION there is a difference between new acquaintances, that may become friends, and assuming someone is a friend when in reality you actually know hardly anything about them but got on with them in a social situation. I know that some people call everyone they know " a friend", even if it's just someone they say good morning to. But I think there is difference between friends and acquaintances.
I thought that what's MN was about: people giving opinions.

Saytheyhear · 06/06/2024 13:45

I would be very proud of a friend male or boyfriend that had managed to make friends in a new country in such a short space of time.
If he loses anything like his hotel key etc, he's met people who he can just say "oh no... what would you do?!" But also he's made some great memories.

NewKnickersNewName · 06/06/2024 13:37

He is on holiday, he has made friends with local Spanish people.
He is happy.
Have you not seen the news about Brit tourists being seriously disliked in Spain.
He has met local people who think he is nice.
Why the downer OP?

BobbyBiscuits · 06/06/2024 13:35

You encouraged him to go on holiday alone and then are shocked he made some holiday friends? Did you expect him to just sit in the room on his lonesome each day and night? His holiday mates sound nice, nothing awful happened? He seemed open with you. I honestly don't see the problem.
Loads of people make temporarily friends on holiday, even if they don't travel alone.

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