Partner swanning off on holiday

Then don't.

OP, he's not discussing any of this with you as he sees the money as his money, not family money so doesn't feel he has to? This tells you a lot. When you gave up work to be a SAHM, did you discuss how finances would work?

Does he pay his salary into a joint account that you have access to, so that once all bills are paid, you both have some spending money? Or is your only income your benefits? You are staying at home to enable him to work and saving your family a fortune in child care.

If you started a part time job, would he be happy to pay towards the childcare, or does he think that would be your responsibility?

You are in a very vulnerable position and I think he knows this. The situation you are in at home must be making your anxiety much worse.

@Ohhhmyygoddd have you just found this out tonight?? run into town first thing in the morning and take money out of the joint account so you have enough money for the month. fill the cupboards on the credit card or cash. he can be short of money on his selfish bastarding holiday!!!

@Ohhhmyygoddd I think you really need to try and build up slowly OP- or this will ruin your life- and not be much fun for your child either- Think of it as something you do for your son! take him on an overnight city break for a night first- premier inn it - even if it's only 10 miles from home- go out for a meal - then when you have a good time and nothing bad happens - try a 3 night caravan break etc and build it.

@Ohhhmyygoddd no way help him next time. Packing , getting travel money. He's a big bit now.

OP, you really need some help with the anxiety or your life is going to be so small. The more you indulge your anxiety by avoiding any triggers, the worse it is going to be, and the less and less your partner will respect you. You are worth a lot more than being a housekeeper who rarely leaves the house. And for your DS, it is important he sees his mum having a more normal life, or he will grow up thinking the dynamic between his parents is the way it is. I know you have tried various treatements, but can you see your GP and get another referral? Wishing you all the best in a difficult situation.

This is the problem, along with the costs. Stop letting him commandeer your time and family finances. No respectable human spends money on themselves leaving their partner and child “skint for the next month.”

Living with someone with anxiety and no local friends must be quite hard. He has offered to stay home with the children whilst you socialise, in fairness. Why not stay with an old schoolfriend for a weekend. See what transpires.

The “we don’t need to be married” thing is a red flag. It’s not in his interests to marry you. You really need to find a job asap OP. Tell him the truth ie that it’s for your own protection because he won’t give you the protection of a legal marriage contract.

@Ohhhmyygoddd Has your DH ever looked after your DS by himself? Would your DS even be comfortable without you being there?

Yep, it does seem he's 'using' your anxiety to do what he likes; however you do have to put in some of your own 'effort' to get through it. Most men aren't the all-undertanding beings that many MN posters would have you believe. To support my assertion, it's only very recently that men are beginning to speak about their mental health problems, then there's centuries of cultural indoctrination to overcome; men and women.

When you have a young dc it's often better to go for a break just with them. Special times to cherish you'll find (as long as you stay off your phone). Try and contain your anxiety and book a 2-3 midweek stay that's in or near a fun place for ds, soon, before the school hols start and prices rocket.

Have a great time, don't look for reassurance from your DP, but when you get back say it would be lovely if the 3 of you can go together next time. His response will tell you all you need to know.

He does sound selfish, but I can't imagine being married to someone and never being able to go away with them and how that would feel.

OP you really need to try again to reduce your anxiety levels. Your life sounds so restrictive and you should be able to go away as a family together.

@Ohhhmyygoddd This relationship is all about him and your life is becoming all about what he wants. Please be careful x

It’s this in a nut shell

we don't need a piece of paper

He doesn't. You do.

Sounds like he treats you like you're a live in housekeeper or mother to him.

Is that all you want from life?

Would private medical treatment help you? For example counselling or psychological services?

Because if so I'd expect that would be a better use if his money to get you for and well, able to get out and about without fear, enjoying life and potentially working again.

Rather than him just using what's supposed to be family money to treat himself to holidays.

I'd suggest you speak to him and see if that could be something you could do to enable you to have a full life. You deserve better than this half life. It's not good fir you or your child.

You have a far bigger issue than a holiday. It’s the fact you’re so dependent on him and as pp mentioned you’re not married to him. Aside from the financial dependency it’s worrying that you struggle be in the house with your child without him. It’s massively unhealthy to be so dependent on someone. Personally I’d find it really suffocating to have a partner like that. I wonder if that’s why he goes on trips so often with his friends?

And as much as you’re financially vulnerable all the responsibility for finances is on him which might be weighing on him too.

Is there any work you can at least do part-time or from home so you’re not so dependent on him and you have your own stuff going on outside of the family?

The power dynamics are massively skewed in his favour.

Sounds as though he's got the best of all worlds here - living the single life with regular boys hols and nights out and having a "mummy" to cater for his every whim and pack, pick outfits, sort money etc before he swans off leaving you skint, anxious and looking after DC.

My son is 20 and going on a boys holiday abroad next week. He's fully capable of choosing his own outfits, packing his bag and arranging insurance/currency. Not wanting to victim-blame at all but please stop enabling this man-child from having his cake and eating it, boils my blood honestly that people will just take take take and be so selfish. He needs to grow up.

He says that he would have DS in the event of me going somewhere but I don't believe that of it came to.ot he would be too pleased about it

Well let him put his money where his mouth is! Try it - it will do you both good and you'll feel
Less resentful when thing are evened out. What would you feel comfortable doing? Cinema on your own? Yoga retreat? Wine tasting and nice hotel stay?

Or..... you'll find out that he's relying on your anxiety preventing you doing stuff so he can do whatever he wants, knowing you'll always be there for DC. At least then you'll know where you stand!

I mean, he doesn't need to worry about your opinion really, does he? I'm not saying that to be mean. He's being an arse to go away quite so often if your DS is very young but he's an arse that knows you're vulnerable.

He knows you're anxious, that you have a health issue that limits your ability to work and that you're an unmarried dependant. You need him more than he needs you, and he knows it.

It's time to work on gradually shifting that power dynamic in your favour.

I'm on my own here in Majorca for 3 days at moment OP- H due out on Friday for a further 4 days - originally I was coming with a friend but that went pear shaped but as it was already in place- I've come anyway- enjoying it lots- and that's on my own!! I do know how you feel though as my ex H used to be like that and it's different mindset I think when their are children to be looked after etc- I'm now beyond that stage- best thing you can do is tell him you will be booking something for 5 days (even if by yourself in uk somewhere) and he's in charge!!

But then you had a child with him and became economically inactive anyway? You need to take some responsibility for your actions here, OP. It’s not reasonable to take steps that seriously diminish your power and then complain about having no options.