Partner swanning off on holiday

I’m going away for 5 days next week and leaving DH with the kids :) :) :) difference is we’re supportive of each other and communicate eg he has to take annual leave so I can go. He went away for a week in April. Should be mutual OP!

OK, you’re in a really bad situation and you really need to focus on improving your life. Don’t be passive about this, set yourself some goals and work towards them. Firstly I’d suggest some therapy, if you can’t afford it, go to your GP and see if you can get referred, there’s likely to be a long waiting list, but at least you will have got the ball rolling. Next, you need a job and some independence. Whose house are you living in? Is it in both your names? You need a secure home, you cannot live with him in a house that only has his name to it. You also need to start going out more, I know that’s hard when you have anxiety, I really do, but staying home is not going to make you any better, to get better you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone, desensitise yourself. So think about something you would like to do, even if it’s just to go to a coffee shop and then a little wonder around a park or the shops, and then do it, leave him with your toddler.

Dont let this man treat you like a skivvy, the more you disrespect yourself by behaving like one, the more he will start to actually believe this is your role in life, to come second to him, and you’re worth more than that.

100 %

My ex was like this. He wasn't committed and lived the life of a single man. His catchphrase was, 'like it or lump it.' He went on a lad's holiday when DD was 5 weeks old. Reeled out the catchphrase. I lumped it. That was over a decade ago and he hasn't changed one bit for his other partners and children. He's been on/off with the mother of his other children for years now and I feel awful for her but at the same time he won't change and doesn't hide who he is. She keeps taking him back. It's sad.

This- you should have left him to it. It isn’t your job to facilitate his jollies, especially when you’re getting no benefit from them.

From your updates I will be honest again and say it seems like he’s taking advantage of your anxiety and mental health and knows you won’t stand up for yourself or put your foot down.

Sorry you’re struggling. I found counselling and exposure therapy helped x

To be honest the first thought I have when reading posts like this is the reason these men get away with it is because they’re always allowed to get away with it.

You are letting him walk over you, why is a father and husband going away on lads trips every 2 months? He is acting single and no commitments.

Even weirder imo that he didn’t say goodbye to DS or want to sleep in same bed as you last night.

Whole thing sounds dodgy. Don’t want to be one of them people that jump to conclusions on people I don’t know but I’d be wary he was faithful as well tbh

This. He is perfectly happy to do all the decision making without so much as a consideration for you but not to sort the rest out. Let him get on with it and if he forgets something etc. then his issue. I am not against anyone having time out but I can bet this is not equally reciprocated and not to the extent it sounds like he is going away and leaving it all to you is not on. He is also perfectly happy to leave the rest of the family without or struggling financially so he can go away, to his benefit only - utterly selfish. He is an adult with responsibilities acting like a child and wants to live life as if he is single. Why are you putting up with this?!

From your updates it does sound like you were thrown together as a couple because of your DS. How old is he now ?

Honestly you might be better going back to your own home town and resettling there, as this set up doesn't seem very healthy for you.

The only other time I've heard of a woman changing her name to her partner's by deed poll, without him marrying her, was a story in the news where a partnered British man ran off with a Ukranian refugee staying in their house and left his girlfriend and children high and dry.

The girlfriend had changed her surname to his by deed poll years previously. Sorry to bring that story up (nothing against Ukranian refugees) but I remember on the thread people were commenting about how he let his girlfriend change her name without marrying her. It spoke volumes about his intentions.

Also, the pathetic old cliche of a boyfriend declaring the legal contract of marriage is 'just a piece of paper' while enjoying using a woman's labour and boosting his pension pot. If it's so meaningless to him it would be no problem to book a registrar appointment.

Find your anger OP. This man is scamming you.

Any chance of doing remote working?

This should be the sole priority. You need to secure housing and your future, career, finances and pension. Your boyfriend isn't bothered about you, as demonstrated by his actions and choice to want to remain legally single, so act accordingly.

Why is he going away when you cant afford it? That would piss me off.

How many times a year does he do this?

Be interesting to know the total amount of days.

I think I know the answer, OP, but how come you have ended up living so far away from your family and friends and support network?

It sounds pretty tiresome living with him tbh so I wouldn't worry about that!

Stop feeling guilty.

Him going away and out with friends, absolutely fine, even if you don't do it yourself.
The family then being broke for the rest of the month, not ok

Not discussing plans with you when he's making them? totally unacceptable.

It's the usual advice, but I would start looking at how you can become financially independent then go from there. You should be equal partners. You also need to work on your anxiety, it shouldn't be a big deal to be single for 5 days.

WHY for the love of God?

What job did you have before?

When did your anxiety start taking over?

Does your disability prevent you working?

If he cared about you it wouldn't matter

Things are likely to get worse

Do you do anything as a family?