Partner swanning off on holiday

Yabvu - there is nothing wrong with him doing things with friends, going on holiday etc. you’ve said you don’t have friends yourself so that’s why you don’t go and take time for yourself and do the same, and that is not his fault
it’s controlling and stifling to begrudge him a few days away, which is actually very healthy to do.
the problem is not his holiday, you need to look within and sort out your anxiety and slowly build up a bit more of a social life for yourself as well so that things could be a bit more balanced but that is your responsibility to do, not his. You can’t hold your partner back and not let him enjoy life just because of anxiety, that’s not right.

Why can't you ask him to go somewhere? suggest a short trip in the UK.

But that doesn’t explain why you’ve helped him sort this shit out? Not only does he appear to be a selfish twat for buggering off on a holiday with his mates that you can’t as a family afford, he’s so incompetent he can’t get himself ready for 5 days away.

If my husband was pissing off on a holiday with his mates in these circumstances, he wouldn’t bother asking for my help as he would know I’d tell him to fuck right off. He’s treating you like a mug.

There are a lot of separate issues at play here but really if the only way I could go away was to go alone, I'd definitely be doing that .

Yes, I feel the same. If my partner refused to travel, I would go alone and it would make me terribly unhappy.

Though I wouldn't leave my family skint. I would try to go for a cheaper weekend away.

He's definitely wrong not to consult you but it sounds as though you don't want the time back for you to go away, or for you all to go away together. To be honest I'd be very unhappy in a life where I couldn't go away just because my partner didn't want to.
There are a lot of separate issues at play here but really if the only way I could go away was to go alone, I'd definitely be doing that .

Most people would not consider this reasonable behaviour OP, particularly given its leaving you short financially. But even if every women in the world was fine with it, you're not, and it excecerbates your anxiety, so the situation you have is not working for you.
If you've asked him to change and he won't, then you need to decide if there's a way to have a better less anxious life without him. If you have friends or family, I'd reach out to them to talk it through and get some real life perspective and support.

Sorry his partner and child in this case but my point stands. I can't imagine going on a holiday with my friends knowing it means my partner and child are broke at home without enough money.

@GingerPirate

Doesn't a "family man" have the right to his own life anymore? As a child free woman, it's a genuine question. Thanks goodness I'm not saddled with this responsibility and these "morals" that seem to come with it.

I think people meant that he's acting single in that he's spending money on a holiday that means his wife and child will be broke at home without enough money?

So, by that account, he really hasn't looked after them by himself at all, barring a couple of times?

He sounds very selfish.

Surely you know that most families are not like the OPs. No need to feel sorry for those of us with children. I have been going away on girls' holidays since my DC were 7 months old and off the breast, leaving them with my DH. Despite being saddled with responsibility, as you put it! We don't pack for each other, either.

OP, there is a lot wrong here, but only you can change it by going out more through exposure therapy, CBT, whatever it takes. If you never leave the house, it's bound to be very suffocating for a partner. Nevertheless, he shouldn;t be leaving you skint or going without telling you. But I have lived with an anxious family member, and honestly, one just wants to flee sometimes.

I don’t see anything wrong with him going away tbh. My DH did quite a bit when my dds were young. However, he never just booked it and told me afterwards.

Now my dds are older I please myself a lot more. I’ve just came back from 2 weeks in Greece. Have another girls holiday booked for September. I also go for weekends away, sometimes with my dds. I must admit, I have booked things and told him afterwards. Maybe I’m unreasonable lol.

I think you both make valid points.

I feel if OPs boyfriend wasn’t there she would surely have to find a way to survive without him. She needs to start working towards that and not be so dependent.

More fool you for doing it. Is he really that useless? He managed to book a holiday and arrange leave from work all by himself didn't he?

Meh, I'm not particularly interested in the boyfriend. He is using OP as default parent and refusing to give her legal protections. However, she is also choosing to be dependent on this man and vulnerable. Hopefully she can sort out security for her future.

Doesn't a "family man" have the right to his own life anymore?
As a child free woman, it's a genuine question.
Thanks goodness I'm not saddled with this responsibility and these "morals" that seem to come with it.

"Packing his bag, him wanting help with choosing his clothes and outfits, getting travel money, etc basically he's unorganized and then expects me to help at the last min."

But that’s your choice, OP. His holiday, his organisational issue. I mean, you’re not going to be the one without clean underwear on day 3, are you?

@Ohhhmyygoddd totally agree 😮 if it was me I'd say, sort it out yourself. 100 percent. Every single time.

I can say very sincerely that I’d rather put shit in my eye than pack my husbands’ bag and do all of that so he could go on a lads holiday. He’s a grown man OP, not a toddler. If he can go on a lads’ holiday, he can do those things!

Is he though? I think it's worth seeing this from the OP's BF's POV. And I'm not normally that person...

I met this woman and we were dating long-distance for a year, which worked for me because I'm pretty independent and like travel and going away with friends. She fell pregnant so I did the right thing and offered for her to come and live with me. As soon as she had the baby, she got anxious and became too ill to work. So I support them both, all she gets is her phone. She isn't looking for work, has DS to look after but he's OK. All I want is a few days away to destress. I am the only worker, I didn't choose this situation, I can't express any of this to her because she's so anxious. She wants to marry but honestly, we're together because she got pregnant and I'm concerned about tying myself to her forever. Obviously my son will always be my son. I can't cope with any of this without breaks away. We're a bit skint but not on the bones of our arse and I need this. OH doesn't have any bills, just her phone and she has an income.

I've filled in the emotional pieces obviously. OP I think you should plan for this relationship not to last. It's happened to you both, you didn't really choose it.

Caution against advising OP to move away, as it's the parent who moved who has to transport the child for contact with the other parent. Plus the boyfriend could get an order to prevent his child being moved away.

I’m sorry but I would have straight refused to help him with anything. If he wants to be a big boy and go on holiday with the lads he can bloody well sort his own shit out. Honestly why are you enabling this?? Let him go but don’t do anything for him.

He shouldn’t be assuming you will be the default parent.

he shouldn’t be spending money the household can’t afford.

he hasn’t stopped acting like he is single. He just let you and the child move into the house. You have very little leverage in this situation. You need to go back to work. Even if the net change in household income is negligible, it will give you power in the relationship.

I feel a little desperate for you, sweetheart. Whether he meant to do it at the start or not, he has you isolated and dependent on him emotionally and financially.
You cannot expect any help from him, he sees you as his support and himself as the kingpin.
If this is not to be the rest of your life, you have to find a way to support yourself. Financially and emotionally. See your GP first. Can you move back home, is there family who can support you? If not this might have to be a long term plan. Obviously, don't let him know what you are planning.

Don't feel embarrassed. We all have idiosyncrasies. This is one of yours

I think your partner should let you know when he's going away

Imo it's very rude that he doesn't

Also - if as a family you are short of money, it's very unfair that he uses finite resources on his boys' jollies without discussing it with you

Are you on sertraline or something like it? If not, see the GP. If you are , see the GP about your dosage. Perhaps it needs increasing

Ask the GP to refer you for CBT because your anxiety is limiting your life

Don't be so passive with your partner. You're not a doormat

Hugs 🥰🥰

Did you give your son his surname too, even though he won’t marry you?