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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know I am, please tell me to get a grip

141 replies

Starfondue · 04/06/2024 20:22

So this is a total non-issue, so why am I upset?

My husband and I try to eat super healthy most of the time, but do enjoy the odd treat together course. If I see something I think he'll like, or if someone has baked cakes at work and there's a lot, I always bring him one. Nothing is off limits! I wouldn't buy myself a treat and not get him something too.

A few months ago I logged onto Tesco and there were some really random junk food items on the favourites. I could see that everything else was stuff we normally buy so I mentioned it to my husband, expecting him to say oh yeah, I bought it when doing xyz' (it was a meal deal type thing) but he denied knowledge. I couldn't care less about the food or money, but the fact he obviously had bought it and was lying really upset me. In the end he said he had bought it on x date. It was pretty recent so I remembered the day, he'd been out but made sure he was home by lunch and I'd spent a while making a nice one as he'd been out all morning. We got into a bit of an argument but he couldn't see that my issue was why was he lying/hiding something so non-important. He didn't see the big deal, but to me it hurt a bit as I always make an effort to bring him a treat if I've had one at work or something, but he hadn't thought to phone and ask if I'd like anything.

I logged onto Tesco tonight and there are all sorts of random items now in favourites - big bags of sweets, sausage rolls and pastries etc. He must have been buying it and eating it in the car, why! Why is he lying to me about something like this!?

He's out and I messaged him when I saw it but I have deleted them all. Maybe I shouldn't even bring it up. Why am I upset. Ffs.

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 04/06/2024 20:53

So has his over eating put you in financial difficulty?

Starfondue · 04/06/2024 20:53

I am more worried now. I wasn't really angry just a bit upset as it was repeated behaviour and I just never lie to him, even if it's something tiny so it does seem alien to me to lie about anything.

OP posts:
MyBreezyPombear · 04/06/2024 20:53

Starfondue · 04/06/2024 20:51

No, I would never buy myself something without buying something for him too. Be it food or anything else. Perhaps that's more unusual than I thought? We ran out of money in the food budget last month and I couldn't work out why as I thought we'd been careful, but it does make more sense now.

That's what I'd be annoyed about rather than him buying something.

WestEndWindy · 04/06/2024 20:52

I think I'd be more worried than angry.

Starfondue · 04/06/2024 20:51

No, I would never buy myself something without buying something for him too. Be it food or anything else. Perhaps that's more unusual than I thought? We ran out of money in the food budget last month and I couldn't work out why as I thought we'd been careful, but it does make more sense now.

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 04/06/2024 20:50

Anxiousheartbeat · 04/06/2024 20:29

It’s just very weird for someone to be secret eating

I bet he knows she’ll go on about healthy eating and he wants to enjoy a few things without his treat being spoiled.

Nonameatall77 · 04/06/2024 20:50

Bit odd to be having strong feelings about this issue tbh. You eat what you eat, he eats what he eats - just give each other space, and chill.

If you enjoy bringing him back stuff, crack on. But equally, it’s totally ok not to bring him back treats when you’ve enjoyed some .
There's no rules that partners ‘need’ to bring back treats so you have the same things always?

showmethegin · 04/06/2024 20:48

Is he deliberately hiding it though? I have to say OP this feels bizarre and quite controlling! If my DH asked me "when did you buy this? When did you eat that?" I'd be totally confused. If an adult fancies something surely they can buy it and eat it; what's the big deal?

My DH will often grab a pasty or something if he needs to nip into a shop for something, it has absolutely no effect on me? If we're both at home and he's popping to the shop he'll ask me if I want anything or get us something to share but that absolutely no bearing on what he or I do on our own time.

You say why has he got to hide it but your reaction to completely normal human behaviour is really extreme, that's probably why! Do you never buy something for yourself when you're on your own?

DarkForces · 04/06/2024 20:46

I know you mean well but if my dh quizzed me on what I'd been buying, when I bought it, why I didn't share it on the basis of a shared food account I'd be really passed off and it certainly wouldn't encourage me to tell them more in the future. Let him enjoy his illicit sausage rolls. It's ok to have some privacy in a marriage

BeckiWithAnI · 04/06/2024 20:46

Dieting isn’t for everyone and it sounds like you’re shaming him for not being as “healthy” as you.
Be honest, if he’d told you he’d eaten something “unhealthy” right before you’d made him lunch so refused it you’d have gone mad. The fact he feels the need to lie over something so trivial suggests you aren’t the most flexible about his eating habits, and to be honest it sounds incredibly controlling.
It sounds like it’s you with the issue with food, not him.
Equally let’s say it was smoking. You’d both given up and he falls off the wagon. It would be so unfair to smoke in front of you so he’d probably do it secretly for lots of reasons. Shame, fear of disappointing you, not wanting to pull you off the wagon too.
You’re being very unfair. Let the man eat his damn literal cake.

Timeforanewnam · 04/06/2024 20:45

Thanks for the top tip 🤣

no scanning my club card when I’m buying stuff I don’t want people to know about.

DahliaSmith · 04/06/2024 20:45

Starfondue · 04/06/2024 20:43

Just for clarity, I don't care at all about what he's bought. If he came home with it and said saw this and fancied it I'd say crack on. It's that he's buying it and deliberately hiding it. I'm not monitoring, when you log into Tesco it just comes up, I only opened it to see if they had something in stock in my local store.

No matter how you saw it, I think it would be fairly reasonable to see it, think meh and move on, rather than be upset about what he's eating, when, and where, and treat it as some kind of secret he's keeping from you.

FourTeaFallOut · 04/06/2024 20:45

Gosh, op, this is so controlling. Why on earth must he answer to you about what he eats and why is he so scared that he keeps it secret? What's it to you?

Starfondue · 04/06/2024 20:44

He does all the meal planning and cooking!

OP posts:
Starfondue · 04/06/2024 20:43

Just for clarity, I don't care at all about what he's bought. If he came home with it and said saw this and fancied it I'd say crack on. It's that he's buying it and deliberately hiding it. I'm not monitoring, when you log into Tesco it just comes up, I only opened it to see if they had something in stock in my local store.

OP posts:
DahliaSmith · 04/06/2024 20:43

It would not even cross my mind to wonder what my DP eats when I'm not with him, let alone challenge him about it should I find out.

This just seems really codependent and unhealthy to me, you're not the keeper of the other.

FOJN · 04/06/2024 20:42

Perhaps he finds the 'super healthy most of the time' diet quite restrictive but goes along with it to please you and when he has the opportunity to decide for himself he's more relaxed. If that's the case he's compromising without making a fuss.

I think you should stop trying to police what he eats.

Your reaction to his choices probably explains why he's so secretive but I can understand why the lie is upsetting.

How much say does he get in menu planning? Do you ever veto his suggestions because they're not healthy enough?

coxesorangepippin · 04/06/2024 20:42

Does anyone else have access to the account i.e. kids??

Wewereonnabreak · 04/06/2024 20:42

Is he overweight? It sounds like he’s a bit embarrassed about his eating, scoffing food he’s craving.
He's probably ‘ashamed’ because he is over eating and just didn’t want you to know.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 04/06/2024 20:41

Is he a people pleaser op? Telling you he likes super healthy because that's what you want to hear?

Can understand you feeling betrayed but there must be a reason for it. I sometimes eat innsecret cos my dh is so preachy when he is on a health kick, it's not worth the grief!

Starfondue · 04/06/2024 20:40

I hadn't even considered there was more to it, I feel terrible now.

No I don't force him! He's much fitter than I am and I'm the one who is more likely to suggest grabbing a bar of chocolate on the way home. The stuff he's been buying isn't stuff I've ever even seen him eat. If he wanted it, it would be no issue at all, I can see a reason why he'd feel like he needed to hide it, I wouldn't be jealous as it's not my kind of treat anyway. I'd be jealous if he'd been buying chocolate!!

We do eat healthily most of the time but he eats much more than me (as he should, he's much bigger than me!) And nothing is off limits.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 04/06/2024 20:40

Anxiousheartbeat · 04/06/2024 20:29

It’s just very weird for someone to be secret eating

Not if they gave a controlling partner can't see the issue myself, I'm an adult amd dint have to say what I've eaten to anyone.

Ellie525 · 04/06/2024 20:39

YABU let the man enjoy a peaceful donut in his car

MrsJackThornton · 04/06/2024 20:39

He's lying because you made such a fuss about him buying a meal deal once without phoning you to see if you wanted one

WindowViper · 04/06/2024 20:38

Is it secret eating, or is it that he doesn’t like being monitored?

I’d feel a bit like I had my mum nagging me about healthy eating if my OH was checking up on what I ate.