I know I am, please tell me to get a grip

It could be an eating disorder or secret eating.

My partner does a lot of secret eating as I find wrappers all over the car, he used to work away pre pandemic so I never had a clue then. It’s up to my partner what he eats but I’d prefer him to think about his health tbh.

The bit that upset me ages ago is I saw a wrapper for something I like as an occasional treat, rather than he likes, in the car. It’s something he might occasionally get for me as a surprise so I randomly asked if there was a multipack and could I have one please. Then we had words as I realised no he’s been buying it all for himself and eaten it whilst out so he’d gone to get a weeks shop and came back with a lot of really boring stuff I had to use for batch cook meals and kept all the nice treat things for himself. Prior to this discovery some weekends on his turn for cooking he’d say he’s not hungry so he’s not bothering to cook after all so I’d have to get my own toast or crackers or something instead of a proper meal and then the penny dropped as he’s stuffed himself with nice food whilst out, bought me nothing, and then decided to also not cook. Very mean.

I don't think anything OP has done has caused him to outright lie, as people are suggesting. It was his choice to lie about something that's not a big deal and wasn't accusatory and that's what is so weird.

And if a load of items I'd never seen appeared on my "favourites", yes I'd want to know if they were genuine purchases as it would change how I understand the app working (on Ocado I can see my favourites so I know it's the product I've bought before - if they were "suggestions" I would use it differently). I don't think it's weird to ask.

Threads like this make me glad I'm single 😂

Seriously I had a friend who lived with me for 18 months and she was a bit like this. Whatever I was eating she'd comment on. If it was too much, too processed, too big a portion. Are you still hungry etc. she'd do it if she didn't think I'd eaten enough too. It was exhausting. I stopped eating food in front of her eventually.

Being upset that your husband has bought a bag of sweets without telling you is next level controlling.

This was my first thought, that he feels he can’t eat what he wants at home. Some super healthy people don’t realise they are shaming others in subtle ways.

Wow. If my partner was like you're being I'd think he was overbearing and watching me too closely. Wtf does it matter what he eats. You're being too much.
And you keep saying you only care about the lie. But then you keep saying you care about him not getting you stuff either. And you wonder why he lies? I can't imagine having to buy two of everything I fancied!

I'd be more concerned if my husband did question me about any food item I bought and/or ate. It's just none of his business.

I've had disordered eating from an ex monitoring and commenting on what I ate.

My husband buys food literally every time he's out or at work and I never know what it is, because I absolutely have no interest.

Edited: I have an eating disorder that I've had for 20 years thanks to that ex. It's usually under control, but I'll have those tendencies for life.

if he had full autonomy then he culd tell the OP to stop being obessed by what he is eats it is none of her business, she has an issue she needs to deal with it

Not sure why people are being so sneery with you OP. If I found a load of extra junk food added to my shop that hadn't made its way into the house, I'd have questioned it too. Especially if it included stuff I'd never seen my partner eat. If he then lied about it I'd think it even stranger. The cheap shot is to blame you and say its understandable because you're 'controlling', but it's really not. Not for a grown man with autonomy who can surely tell you he can eat what he pleases. Its odd behaviour and I'd be worried about an ED.

It sort of seems like you want a co dependent relationship.

When buying a treat for yourself you automatically would buy one for him and you expect the same behaviour from him. It's OK for you to treat him in one way and for him to show his care to you in another way.

You are two separate people. He has his needs, likes and dislikes and you have yours. You don't need to constantly do the same.

Are you serious OP? You sound very controlling and possibly like you have disordered eating yourself.

Jesuschrist, some Gestapo officer you are! Poor bloke.
Leave the guy alone, will you? Who the fuck do you think you are controlling this guy's shopping list. I would find it irritating if he'd spent money in some stupid clothes or gadgets, but this is just a treat!
Get the fuck out of here.

Ok so with this comment in mind, what concerns do you initially have? Do you think he's not being honest about what he does and doesn't like? Or maybe if he is buying treats to take into work and you're on a budget?

In my 20s I had a very controlling ex when it came to food and I used to eat unhealthy food in secret a few times a week. Is he worried he may upset you if you're more of the healthy eater? Does he not want to tempt you if you're quite strict on healthy days? Maybe there is something more underlying, is he very stressed at work at the minute? My DP is quite strict with his diet, mainly for stomach issues but tends to stress eat if it's a difficult work period or he's worried about a family member etc.

If I was secretly buying stuff out of character and my husband stumbled across it, I'd like to think he'd question it

why? is there no privacy allowed? everything must be explained and justified?
You sound suffocating.

If my OH text me during the day to say he needed to talk to me when I got home and it turned out to be about a bag of lemon sherbets he'd found in my glove box I would think he had lost the effing plot

Although it’s not the lemon sherbets, is it? it’s the lies and the secrecy <earnest>

He's not hiding it unless the expectation is there that he should report everything he eats every day when not in your presence, and bring you one too.

That's not reasonable.

If it was stuff I knew he liked then it wouldn't be a concern, I wouldn't have noticed it as odd. It's really random stuff, sweets he'd never choose if we were buying sweets etc.

Are you upset that he likes certain things and you did not know? You wouldn't mind if he was eating food if you knew he liked it? The problem is that you didn't know he liked these foods? Maybe, just maybe, he is a whole seperate person to you, and there is loads about him that you don't know, including his guilty pleasure snack food that he is very entitled to have, and eat, without you texting him to ask him why, or offering support.

You need to let this drop, or it's going to blow out of all proportion. If my OH text me during the day to say he needed to talk to me when I got home and it turned out to be about a bag of lemon sherbets he'd found in my glove box I would think he had lost the effing plot. Tread carefully.

God I feel suffocated just reading this thread! This level of scrutiny over something so minor is bonkers quite frankly.

Buying sweets you didn’t know he liked? For goodness sake, he’s popped into Tesco and thought “I fancy trying those” so he’s picked them up. I don’t blame him for playing dumb when you asked about it - who could be bothered with this much aggro over a few snacks?? You sound incredibly controlling and codependent.

I think it is unusual. It wouldn’t really occur to me to buy DH something when I’m buying something for myself. He buys his own treats if he wants them.

it seems like you are characterising his reluctance to tell you about various random things he eats as lying and secrecy. But it’s not normal that you expect to know about that stuff in the first place!

If I were in his shoes I would find your close attention to this type of thing — including the fact that you always bring him a treat if you have one! — bizarre and uncomfortable. I wouldn’t want that expectation placed on me and I would push back against it by not doing it.

Even the closest married couple are stil separate people. They don’t need to share everything.

My DH always has packets etc in the car or his bag of nice treats that he has enjoyed by himself. I have a problem with the wrappers being not put in the bin but he can have the freedom and independence to eat what he likes. I would hate it if he policed my buying and eating habits. You need freedom from each other!!

Its very weird to text your partner when they're out; to ask why they bought some sweets in Tesco......

It's bonkers, he bought a meal deal for lunch am presuming and you're kicking off and judging him because he didn't buy you one too?!

I used to work with a guy for years, who I only found out was vegan when I met his wife. He’d been lying to her for genuinely years and eating meat when not with her. He expected us all to lie and cover for him.

This. I took left overs for lunch today, but when it got to it, didn't fancy it and bought a meal deal. I haven't discussed it with DH (because it's boring and none of his business) and he wouldn't care if he found out