I know I am, please tell me to get a grip

Sometimes it’s just nice to choose what you want and scoff it down on your own, without having to think of anyone else for once! Leave him be!

I was responding to another poster who said it was disordered eating.

Though, the OP does say that he denied it but then admitted it and was able to tell her the exact date he bought the food. It doesn't mean he has an eating disorder, but it does show he is willing to lie to her.

I totally get the OP. Just happening to mention "Oh there's a massive bag of sweets on here", while you happen to be looking at your Tesco account is not controlling - that's all she's done. But then her husband insisted he knew nothing about them.

My DH and I have been together 30 years, and, just like me , and everyone else, he'll buy food just for himself, eat it in the car or whatever, no big deal, BUT he nearly always makes out that he never does that. It's the lying and the hypocrisy that gets my back up. I never do or say anything about the actual behaviour, but I will when he's making snarky remarks about me going to McDonalds with the kids, or when I'm eating a chocolate bar, or baking a cake - he makes these kinds of remarks, but I know he secretly eats crap in the car, in his home office, and he gets McDonalds when out etc. I'm not mega-healthy, but he eats way more unhealthy food than me, so fuck off with the snarky comments (is what I'm thinking).

He desperately wants to portray this image to the world that he's perfect - eating healthily being part of that, so he only eats unhealthy food in secret. I think I mostly feel really sorry for him, that he feels the need to put an act on TBH? It must be so draining.

And a word of caution, my DH developed type 2 diabetes a few years ago, directly caused by his appalling eating habits (which the doctors know nothing about). And last year, he had bowel cancer. Yes, as PP have said, everyone has a right to eat what they want, but those are the consequences.

His hypocrisy surrounding the diabetes drives me nuts - we had a party for his birthday. Absolutely everyone we know thinks he lives a completely sugar free, almost carb free lifestyle, so he insisted the cake I baked him was sugar free (he does all the food shopping & cooking, but I do occasionally bake). So, I played along with this silly charade, even though both he and I know, that he'll be binge eating chocolate in his home office upstairs as soon as the guests have gone.

Is it not possible that he just, over the course of several months, fancied buying some items from Tesco that were not on their shared meal plan, and eating them, while away from the house, without feeling it necessary to report back to OP his movements?

The fact that he didn't buy the OP one, bring one home, or phone her to ask her if she wanted one are not evidence that he has disordered eating, or a mental health issue that he needs help with.

Previous posters have confirmed that items show up in the Tesco Clubcard favourites when you've bought them once, and months later. This doesn't consitute undeniable proof. If my OH asked me this evening whether I ate a meal deal on a particular date a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't honestly be able to tell him, because I wouldn't have a clue, and therefore if he pulled me into a conversation about it, I would absolutely look like I'd been lying about it. I do not have disordered eating, my mental health is robust.

If OP had watched him on numerous occasions from the back bedroom window pulling up on the drive and eating family packs of crisps, bumper bags of donuts and sausage rolls, and whatever other contraband he had on him, then putting the wrappers in the wheely bin and coming into the house, that might be evidence of disordered eating.

What has happened, is not.

I have plenty of experience with disordered eating. Denying something happened until the proof is undeniable does make you a liar, even if the reason for the lies is because of a mental health issue. And secrecy and lies do hurt other people and destroy trust, unintentional or not. Just ask anyone who has been in a relationship with someone with an addiction. It doesn't just affect the sufferer.

@5128gap

All we know is a man is secretly eating junk and lying about it.

Is one way of looking at it, just not mine.

Neither you nor I have the first clue about the dynamic in this relationship. All we know is a man is secretly eating junk and lying about it. Some people have taken it upon themselves to decide from this sparce information that the only possible reason for this is that the OP is 'controlling'. Others of us are sufficiently open minded to see other possibilities. Its up to the OP to consider what resonates.

You've said several times "it's not about the food" so why did you bring it up with him in the first place? Why even mention it?! You said you saw random junk food items, then later clarified it was a meal deal, so a sandwich, snack and drink, big deal, and you felt he needed to justify it. I imagine, from your other comments about never having anything (food or otherwise) without involving him, if he'd confessed he would have had the Spanish inquisition over why he didn't bring you something, why he didn't call you when he was buying a bloody meal deal. I can understand why he lied. Poor bloke.

Most people that lose weight put it back on sadly. He has lost 4.5 stone and he is struggling to keep up his diet habits/live in a calorie deficit etc.

I think I would just say to him that if his dieting lifestyle is leading him to need to binge he needs to up his calories in meals/treats in everyday life. Let his weight plateau for a while. If he is exercising he can probably have his haribo/a cake etc without weight gain but it would be nice for him to shed the shame around having a snack.

I don’t agree he should buy you food whenever he buys his own though. If he pops in the garage at 10am and wants a sausage roll he has to buy you even if he won’t see you until 5pm? It sits sweating in the car all day? What if he starts bringing carrier bags of treats and you put your 2 stone back on? Why not buy the snacks you want and let him buy the snacks he wants. At best texting “in the garage - do you want anything?” Why would you want a bag of haribo/cake/chocolate that you haven’t asked for when you have been dieting?

What has she done that is "over-monitoring"? She asked if he'd bought the items, and she remembered a recent day she'd made him lunch. Is that what you are talking about?

Ok I've just RTFT. Wow.

Imagine if a woman posted on here that her DH was texting her whilst she was in work quizzing her about some random sweets / snacks on a Tesco order and asking why she was lying...😐

Me too. Especially when I ordered jam doughnuts! Bloody Tesco and their substitutions 😂

I've just gone on to my Tesco app and looked at 'favourites' (didn't even know it was there!) and there's loads of stuff I've only ever bought once or ages ago? And stuff I don't even remember buying. And I'm the only one who does the food shop and uses the Clubcard!

But am in agreement with others that it's weird and controlling behaviour OP.

Over a period of many months some items appearing on a loyalty card favourites list doesn't equate to him choosing to eat large quantities of junk food in secret and lie about it.

If there is something getting in the way of him funcitoning as a healthy autonomous adult, it's the third degree when he gets home about something that is absolutely a non issue, and shouldn't really even be the topic of a conversation, with anyone. When did you eat this and why, because I'm upset about it, it's not ever going to end well.

Partners of whichever gender don't need us to sniff out their underlying issues. Undiagnosed mental health problems are a significant problem for everyone, but help that is unwanted, is actually control, not help.

I think that your answer is here, to why your reaction to this is so off whack.

You both decided to embark on a healthy eating plan. As with all things, there will have been one of you that was more into this idea than the other. He lost 4.5 stone. You lost 2 stone that you didn't necessarily feel that you needed to, and now you're pissed off because you feel he's eating things that you're not.

Don't wrap it up as faux concern for him, and wanting to "help" him with the Sausage Roll Habit that you've discovered. If he's got an undiagnosed eating disorder then it's absolutely his responsibility to ask for help, and not yours to sit him down when he gets home and ask him to explain the receipt for the bag of Haribo you've found, and what exactly is he going to do about it.

You need to do absolutley nothing other than apologise to him for being out of line, unless you want to cause a massive issue in your relationship that will take ages to undo, if that's even possible.

Are people generally going through life just casually lying to their partners and it's no big deal?

I don’t lie to my partner. But if I was in a relationship with someone who over-monitored my intake of snacks and felt hurt or betrayed by me not disclosing every food purchase, I can easily imagine feeling the instinct to lie. That wouldn’t be because I am a casual liar. It would be because the dynamic was off and the relationship wasn’t healthy.

That’s the point people are making, I think. OP is over-monitoring and then acting like the problem is her partner’s response.

It’s just very weird for someone to be secret eating

It’s not that weird.

@Tbry24
Why are you without food if he didn't buy it? You're an adult buy it yourself.
This strict division of its his turn therefore I cannot do the thing is pathetic.

He can have all the issues under the sun the op is still controlling no matter how they dress it up

Maybe read about eating disorders and the secrecy and shame that accompanies it.

I mentioned it to my husband, expecting him to say oh yeah, I bought it when doing xyz' (it was a meal deal type thing) but he denied knowledge.

He's not lying, is he?

I'm genuinely interested as to how this isn't lying?

He denied he'd bought it when he had. And pp saying his lying was caused by OP asking him, and they'd lie too if asked if they had bought a packet of crisps.

I think I must have a totally different approach to honesty than most people on this thread because I can't imagine lying over a packet of crisps because I thought I shouldn't be eating crisps - I'm not 5 years old!

Are people generally going through life just casually lying to their partners and it's no big deal?

"Dp did you buy this chocolate at Tesco? It's coming up on our account"
"No not me and you shouldn't be quizzing me about my eating habits!!"

Of course he could. Yet somehow he chooses to eat large quantities of junk food in secret and lie about it, so obviously there's something getting in the way of him functioning as a healthy autonomous adult. Ironically those who love the opportunity to label women 'controlling' lack the awareness to see what a disservice this does to men if it leads to a failure to acknowledge the possibility they may have an underlying issue with which they could need support. Undiagnosed mental health problems including ED are a significant problem for men. But let's not let that get in the way of calling women controlling.

If he is secret eating OP it might not be even be about hiding it from you, he might be hiding it from everyone (even though in reality nobody cares).
He might have been made to feel ashamed or he could be one of those people who like to give the impression they are super healthy and fit but then behind closed doors they have a binge. This is very common-mainly because people are human beings but often try to give the impression they are fitter/richer/more intelligent than anyone else usually due to low self-esteem.
I had a friend once who was a real Hyacinth Bucket type and loved everyone to think she was something she wasn't. I realised how much this pretence had made her a prisoner in her own life when we were out shopping and she bought a window blind from a discount shop that was the perfect colour that she wanted. She tied herself in absolute knots at the worry of any of her neighbours seeing her carry it into the house. I had never experienced anything like it.

Sorry but your behaviour comes across as controlling. It really shouldn't matter what he buys and eats as it's his life, body and money. It would be nice if he always got something for you too but he probably just forgets. If I'm buying a quick snack then I wouldn't think to get anything for my husband. He likely lied as he didn't like being confronted about his eating habits and felt attacked. I really think you should let this go.

The weirdest thing for me is that you say you "never" buy food items or anything else without also buying for your husband. That is genuinely weird and screams codependency.

I have no idea what my husband eats during the day, nor he me. It's of zero interest. Also if he comes home with a box of new golf balls I don't sulk because he didn't bring me anything.

This level of enmeshment isn't healthy - you may be married but you should still have individual agency, particularly over such trivial matters.