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Original poster

more finicial help for single parents?

112 replies

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 11:22

Im a single parent. I have 3 (expensive) teenagers. I work full time hours, and extra shifts, as an NHS nurse. I love my job but im on the lowest band as a nurse, and not able to apply for better paid jobs as of yet due to not having as much experience in my area that is required in a very competitive speciality. Hopefully in the future, for now though i average 50 hours a week working to earn enough to support effectively 4 adult sized people. Although i have an open claim for universal credit, i often get 0 in a month, at most i get £100 if my shifts have been mostly week days, not nights and weekends.

I have friends in similar positions, however they also have an ex who shares care, and assists financially. My ex husband doesn't. He hasn't seen (completely his choice, he disappeared and hasn't been heard from since 2016 now) or paid towards my children in 10 years. I have gone through CMS, i have applied for the deductions from his pay so many times n the past 10 years, however he changes jobs regularly, and every time he changes jobs it restarts the whole system, my account on CMS states he owes thousands, which i will never see. The only times i have gotten anything is when he is on benefits, which is £29 a month for 3 teenagers, and that happened a handful of times before he vanishes and i have to start the whole nightmare again. So in recent years ive basically given up fighting them, CMS dont actively pursue anything, there's no consequence for him not supporting his children, im just fighting a loosing battle i dont have the energy for.

When we separated i also had to sell the house we owned, ive not been able to buy again as i cant save a deposit whilst single handedly raising 3 children, so i have high rent to pay, plus other outgoings, i have zero savings, i even gave up my car as it was costing so much to run. My children have what they need but very few luxuries. As i dont get UC im not entitled to any other help.

Today we have had a letter about a 3 day residential trip for one of my children, this trip is partly confidence building/team work activities, but mostly maths and English language revision sessions for GCSEs they are sitting next year. They want just under £300 by the end of the school year, i absolutely cannot do this, and theres no help through the school to be able to allow my child to go.

I understand my wage is above average for the UK (around £40k including my extra shifts), but alot of times this average is in a dual income household, or, topped up by the non resident partner, which is then disregarded by UC, which is also then added to the household income. I have friends who work just their standard 37.5 hour weeks, but then get the UC top up and the CMS money off their ex's. Resulting in a much higher household income.

Do you think that UC should take into account this CMS income? or if a person is truly raising kids alone, with zero help physically or financially, despite trying every possible avenue to make the father support their children, UC rates should change? Or make a system whereby school events that directly benefit education can be subsidised for children who cant afford it despite the parents best efforts which isnt solely based on FSM entitlement? I work hard, i get virtually nothing off the government in way of assistance, but my children are still missing out on things that will impact their education if 90% of the year group is getting this 3 days of dedicated revision time for maths and english.

OP posts:
cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:23

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:16

And i said there isnt really that option locally. I had to sell my car to get by each month so transporting them into the town isnt an option. I also want them to focus on their education and time being a teenager not have to work for the same opportunities as others their age that directly impact their education with it being predominately a revision based trip for core subjects. One has had their name down for a paper round since 14 and hasnt been offered one. And parent. They have one parent, not two. Through no fault of their own, or mine i might add, so they are disadvantaged because there isnt an option for 2 incomes coming into their household, i feel school events should have some kind of subsidy that takes this into consideration, and despite approaching the school, this isnt an option for us. I

Show quote history

not have to work for the same opportunities as others their age

I think you'll find it is completely normal to work for your opportunities at this age. Some might not need to, but plenty do. So yours are not particularly unusual

a revision based trip for core subjects.

sorry, this just makes no sense - you don't need to go away to revise your core subjects

they are disadvantaged because there isnt an option for 2 incomes coming into their household,

They are not disadvantaged, you are earning far more than I was as a single parent to teens - mine were not disadvantaged either.

i feel school events should have some kind of subsidy that takes this into consideration,

well, they do, so this clearly is not a n appropriate trip for asking for a subsidy for..

I think you've got a real bee in your bonnet about your children being somehow deprived or disadvantaged. They are not. With your income, they will easily be among the top 10% most privileged teens in the world.

Miley1967 · 04/06/2024 20:22

Uc is pretty generous for working parents although I appreciate it's harder if rent element doesn't cover rent as is often the case with private rent. It's the issue of CM not being enforced which really needs to be addressed.

Hinkuy · 04/06/2024 20:17

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:02

My eldest works around studies for his own luxuries, not to support me and his siblings, my middle and youngest i would rather them focus on schooling and up coming exams instead of having to work just to have access to something they shouldnt have to pay for themselves. We also dont live near anywhere they could get a job really, one has their name down for a paper round but its been down for 2 years now and nothing despite them asking on a monthly basis, and as i said previously, i ended up having to sell my car as it was a luxury i could no longer afford so them looking further out isnt doable. I have approached the school, and as we arent entitled the FSM theres no available help and my child will miss the trip unless i pay by mid july. Credit card isnt an option either.

Questioning whether there should be more assistance for children in situations like ours, where on paper income is decent, but when that income is supporting 4 adult sized people, it does not go far enough in todays climate. I feel sad for my children missing out when i work hard, they saw me go through uni, working every spare hour i could, ploughing hours into assignments to get the best possible grades, with the promise of it being worth it eventually when we will have more, when the reality is they havent.

Why is credit card not an option? Or some other form of debt you could reasonably pay back fairly quickly without any/much interest? I'm sure your eldest would give up a few bits of branded clothing to help you out too.

Have you worked out if you'd be better off doing less overtime and claiming more UC?

Original poster
blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:16

cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:11

You said they were teens. Teens can get weekend jobs, evening jobs, casual work, etc. If they want to go on a school trip their parents can't afford, surely that is the go-to solution?

Show quote history

And i said there isnt really that option locally. I had to sell my car to get by each month so transporting them into the town isnt an option. I also want them to focus on their education and time being a teenager not have to work for the same opportunities as others their age that directly impact their education with it being predominately a revision based trip for core subjects. One has had their name down for a paper round since 14 and hasnt been offered one. And parent. They have one parent, not two. Through no fault of their own, or mine i might add, so they are disadvantaged because there isnt an option for 2 incomes coming into their household, i feel school events should have some kind of subsidy that takes this into consideration, and despite approaching the school, this isnt an option for us. I

OP posts:
Despair1 · 04/06/2024 20:16

I think the whole benefits system needs reviewing. I know single parents who work no more than 16 hours a week and claim UC and all that additional support that comes with that (reduced council tax/housing benefit/free school dinners/support payments etc/) and have a comfortable lifestyle. I also know people (inc single parents)like OP who are working full time and effectively worse off than those who don't work or work up to 16 hours to retain their benefits. It would appear that at times, those working full time or more are disadvantaged by the fact that they are working max hours to support their families!

entiawest · 04/06/2024 20:13

There should be far more robust processes for deducting the money from the NRP. That's the root of the problem. There are still two living parents as capable of earning a living as two parents who are still together. That's the real issue - the dead beat dads who have kids and then expect the state (ie other people who didn't choose to have those kids) to finance them

NoSquirrels · 04/06/2024 20:12

I’m really sorry for the situation you’re in, and I agree one wage of £40K is not enough to support you and 3 teens. It’s also shit the school can’t help about this upcoming trip - they should be considering the cost of living crisis for all families and not relying on FSM as the only marker of identifying poorer students. You could legitimately raise that to the SLT or governors via a parent feedback. They should at the very least be able to offer you a payment plan.

However, I would vote strongly and loudly against any party who wanted to tie CMS to available income for UC. It would only make things worse, not better.

cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:11

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:08

They are children, they are earning their education and time with their friends to be kids. My eldest earns enough for his phone, BMX parts, and branded clothes he wants that i cant get him, my 2 in school are just that, in school.

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You said they were teens. Teens can get weekend jobs, evening jobs, casual work, etc. If they want to go on a school trip their parents can't afford, surely that is the go-to solution?

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 04/06/2024 20:10

iamreallyabee · 04/06/2024 12:17

I think single parent's should get more help yeah

I think all parents should get extra help!!

Original poster
blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:08

cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:06

what are your children earning?

They are children, they are earning their education and time with their friends to be kids. My eldest earns enough for his phone, BMX parts, and branded clothes he wants that i cant get him, my 2 in school are just that, in school.

OP posts:
cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:06

what are your children earning?

Original poster
blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:02

My eldest works around studies for his own luxuries, not to support me and his siblings, my middle and youngest i would rather them focus on schooling and up coming exams instead of having to work just to have access to something they shouldnt have to pay for themselves. We also dont live near anywhere they could get a job really, one has their name down for a paper round but its been down for 2 years now and nothing despite them asking on a monthly basis, and as i said previously, i ended up having to sell my car as it was a luxury i could no longer afford so them looking further out isnt doable. I have approached the school, and as we arent entitled the FSM theres no available help and my child will miss the trip unless i pay by mid july. Credit card isnt an option either.

Questioning whether there should be more assistance for children in situations like ours, where on paper income is decent, but when that income is supporting 4 adult sized people, it does not go far enough in todays climate. I feel sad for my children missing out when i work hard, they saw me go through uni, working every spare hour i could, ploughing hours into assignments to get the best possible grades, with the promise of it being worth it eventually when we will have more, when the reality is they havent.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 04/06/2024 17:03

OP, all of your children are old enough for little part time weekend jobs.

Given your circumstances I would...

  1. approach the head teacher
  2. approach the PTA
  3. ask your children to help out - birthday money/savings?
  4. put it on a credit card if you have that option, and then ask the child, whose trip it is, to find a little weekend job and pay you back.

I'm a single mum and ds is already saving for his A'level trip next year.

pinotnow · 04/06/2024 17:02

I absolutely hear you, OP. The way single parents are treated in this country is a disgrace. So many people here are suggesting the teens should be working, which is outrageous, as well as unrealistic as it's near enough impossible for under 18s to get work now, never mind under 16s. And why should they? Their parents should be supporting them and if one of them won't then, yes, the state should step in.

I don't think CMS should be factored in to UC payments, but I do think it should be recognised if you don't get any and higher awards made. This should also be recognised in the tax system, as it is in other countries, while here we reward people for being married and thereby make life harder for those raising children alone, as if it isn't hard enough already! What a joke.

As for the school running a revision residential/readiness for GCSEs thing that costs £300, that's also disgusting and very ill-considered, unless you are in a very wealthy area I suppose. They absolutely should not be excluding anyone from this event on cost grounds. I'm a teacher and one year we did an event like this and it was fully paid for by the school as we are in a deprived area and, though many could have paid, it was laid on for the students and we didn't want anyone excluded. It's one thing doing expensive ski trips that some can't afford, but this is something else entirely and I would be writing to the head and then the governors if they just said 'tough'. It's not good enough.

I really hope you get somewhere with it, and good luck - you sound like you are doing an amazing job for your three kids.

Singleandproud · 04/06/2024 16:50

I wouldn't put any energy into the UC /CMS question it won't lead to any results. Your actual issue is that your children cannot go on the trip they would benefit from and I would focus on fixing that as it's in your control.

Have you actually approached the school and laid out the scenario? Talking directly to your child's pastoral worker is the first step.

If your children want to go on expensive trips and have luxuries have they enquired about cafe, hairdresser, paper round, baby sitting, cleaning cars, washing up work? If your youngest is now 14 they are all almost old enough for weekend work

Beezknees · 04/06/2024 16:44

No, I don't think CMS should be recognised by UC, and I am a lone parent with an uninvolved ex. They tried that before and it didn't work.

Ultimately CMS is to benefit the children, it shouldn't be means tested.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 04/06/2024 16:41

Speak to the head teacher. It sounds very unfair if it’s to help towards GCSEs.

There are educational trusts and charities that might be able to help. I’m sure there’s one for those in health care or dependents of.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 04/06/2024 16:28

I know this doesn't help your situation but could your teenagers take on some odd jobs? My daughter had 2 residential trips, one in P6 and P7, she paid for both herself doing different jobs: pet sitting for friends when they went on holiday, sold jars of jam made from brambles we collected, saved Christmas and bday money.we could have totally covered the trips, but I am so proud that she did that and it gave her a great sense of accomplishment.

Original poster
blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 12:57

mitogoshi · 04/06/2024 12:36

The problem is their deadbeat dad. I would like to see more robust systems for chasing down absent parents. I know that's not your fault or your kids but you earn decent money, it's him who needs to contribute not the state.

I agree, in an ideal world he would share not only the financial needs of my children, but the physical care too, 10 years without anyone to share the mental load of 3 children is a lot too. But unfortunately that isnt an option either, as we, as a society, allow and accept people opting out of parenting, so its not something that causes enough public outrage for the government to care enough to even consider changing the system.

OP posts:
Original poster
blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 12:52

WhamBamThankU · 04/06/2024 12:42

The thing is there are two parent families who also couldn't afford a £300 trip. It's shite but it is what it is.

2 parent families have the opportunity to bring in much more money though. When my children were little i worked all nights whilst my ex worked days so we had no childcare. My job was slightly above min wage as a health care. When we split i went to college and uni to better our situation, whilst doing my 36 hours as a student nurse unpaid, i worked more paid shifts to manage and shared childcare with a fellow student in a similar position as the childcare support only helped with my uni hours, not paid shifts. I did what i could to improve our lives, i graduated uni during the pandemic and i am extremely proud of what i have done for myself and my children, but, im always going to be one person, not two who always have the option to be atleast double my income.

OP posts:
WhamBamThankU · 04/06/2024 12:42

The thing is there are two parent families who also couldn't afford a £300 trip. It's shite but it is what it is.

mitogoshi · 04/06/2024 12:36

The problem is their deadbeat dad. I would like to see more robust systems for chasing down absent parents. I know that's not your fault or your kids but you earn decent money, it's him who needs to contribute not the state.

notbelieved · 04/06/2024 12:34

it's incredibly difficult and I know where you're coming from - living it myself right now!

However, the current system of disregarding maintenance is probably as good as it's going to get. The issue would be cash payments exchanging hands between separated couples which would be hard to trace (although perhaps not impossible, particularly given the point that the DWP being able to look more closely at bank accounts).

I do wonder if lone adult households shouldn't be given a higher threshold for receipt of benefits generally. I think things are financially tough right now and the system is easier on 2 adults who are able to work around each other.

Original poster
blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 12:32

Dweetfidilove · 04/06/2024 12:21

Are you asking for more help from UC and a more robust CM service, or are you asking that other women are punished for having a higher household income because they earn less and have cooperative exes?

Have you checked if you would be better off working your standard hours, as you say you are sometimes entitled to UC if your OT hours do not include nights and weekends? How much difference would that make?

Speak to the school regarding the revision course and hopefully they can assist with getting your son on.

I hope things get easier soon as it’s a harsh time with rents and everything else costing extortionate amounts 💐.

I think what im asking is CMS be recognised by UC, not deducted, but acknowledged, and those who have children, no no financial support and 100% custody, get further support, which could be in the form of subsidised schooling events so these children dont miss out on experiences and education.

OP posts:
icallshade · 04/06/2024 12:30

The big issue here is the lack of consequence for the NRP paying child maintenance and I think that the only way this will change is if there are strict laws surrounding this.
My mother was in a similar situation when I was growing up and to be honest I started working at aged 12 alongside school- I didnt contribute to bills but I did pay for all of my own clothing, shoes, driving lessons, phone bills etc. My mother paid for our home, food and school stuff. It's not a 'fair' solution by any stretch but without me working I wouldn't have had any 'luxuries' at all.