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more finicial help for single parents?

112 replies

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 11:22

Im a single parent. I have 3 (expensive) teenagers. I work full time hours, and extra shifts, as an NHS nurse. I love my job but im on the lowest band as a nurse, and not able to apply for better paid jobs as of yet due to not having as much experience in my area that is required in a very competitive speciality. Hopefully in the future, for now though i average 50 hours a week working to earn enough to support effectively 4 adult sized people. Although i have an open claim for universal credit, i often get 0 in a month, at most i get £100 if my shifts have been mostly week days, not nights and weekends.

I have friends in similar positions, however they also have an ex who shares care, and assists financially. My ex husband doesn't. He hasn't seen (completely his choice, he disappeared and hasn't been heard from since 2016 now) or paid towards my children in 10 years. I have gone through CMS, i have applied for the deductions from his pay so many times n the past 10 years, however he changes jobs regularly, and every time he changes jobs it restarts the whole system, my account on CMS states he owes thousands, which i will never see. The only times i have gotten anything is when he is on benefits, which is £29 a month for 3 teenagers, and that happened a handful of times before he vanishes and i have to start the whole nightmare again. So in recent years ive basically given up fighting them, CMS dont actively pursue anything, there's no consequence for him not supporting his children, im just fighting a loosing battle i dont have the energy for.

When we separated i also had to sell the house we owned, ive not been able to buy again as i cant save a deposit whilst single handedly raising 3 children, so i have high rent to pay, plus other outgoings, i have zero savings, i even gave up my car as it was costing so much to run. My children have what they need but very few luxuries. As i dont get UC im not entitled to any other help.

Today we have had a letter about a 3 day residential trip for one of my children, this trip is partly confidence building/team work activities, but mostly maths and English language revision sessions for GCSEs they are sitting next year. They want just under £300 by the end of the school year, i absolutely cannot do this, and theres no help through the school to be able to allow my child to go.

I understand my wage is above average for the UK (around £40k including my extra shifts), but alot of times this average is in a dual income household, or, topped up by the non resident partner, which is then disregarded by UC, which is also then added to the household income. I have friends who work just their standard 37.5 hour weeks, but then get the UC top up and the CMS money off their ex's. Resulting in a much higher household income.

Do you think that UC should take into account this CMS income? or if a person is truly raising kids alone, with zero help physically or financially, despite trying every possible avenue to make the father support their children, UC rates should change? Or make a system whereby school events that directly benefit education can be subsidised for children who cant afford it despite the parents best efforts which isnt solely based on FSM entitlement? I work hard, i get virtually nothing off the government in way of assistance, but my children are still missing out on things that will impact their education if 90% of the year group is getting this 3 days of dedicated revision time for maths and english.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 04/06/2024 22:51

I'm a single parent too and I think the UC system is reasonably generous to us. I may change my mind of course because my children are only primary age. But I think the focus needs to be on the feckless men that don't pay maintenance. My exh for example quit his job last year to go self employed and is under some UC start up period so doesn't have to pay anything right now despite a huge sum of money from the divorce settlement that currently sits in his bank account accruing interest. How is it that as the RP I am expected to work but he is not, and isn't required to provide for his own children? How is it that he can buy a new car and go on holidays and city breaks with his girlfriend but looks at me with two heads when I tell him he needs to buy new clothes for his flat for the children, because the trousers that they wear whilst there are literally falling apart?

I read a post recently about apparently in America you cannot even buy a doughnut if you are behind on child support. Why isn't child maintenance treated as a priority debt?

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 22:27

MyRosePoster · 04/06/2024 21:22

OP, I agree that a single higher earner is penalised more than 2 low earners. When really it should be the other way around. There's no need for a 'low income' household with one parent not working FT to be subsidised more than a single parent. Given that the latter will have childcare, wraparound etc to pay for. Unless there's severe disability or anything else preventing working. Similarly, CMS should be much stricter.

I also think a £300 revision trip is ludicrous anyway and shouldn't even exist, and in this case it's unfair to exclude your child.

However at the risk of sounding v. 'race to the bottom' your expenses listed include socialising and technology, your child can afford BMX parts and branded clothes.

Other 'educational' trips that aren't part of the curriculum are a luxury, not a necessity. If your child really wanted to go, they could contribute to at least some of the cost.

Edited

Yeah i include socialising and tech for my kids. I am out the house 14 hours on days or nights i work. My kids need phones so i know they have got to and from school safely, and can contact me when jm on a night shift. I also dont allow them to go out and about when im at work, so internet and games are how they socialise. They also get money to go to the cinema with their mates once a month. I go without pretty much everything to ensure my kids get what they need and some of what they want. My eldest works part time to afford the luxuries i couldnt get him. Im not taking that away from him. Suggesting it is ridiculous.

With regards to the house i owned over 10 year ago. Back then i was a hca on min wage and couldnt get a mortgage. The little equity i had was used to rebuild our lives. We left my ex, my kids had a bag of clothes each and that was it. No furniture beds white goods nothing. Never mind their toys bikes childhood gifts and keepsakes. All of it was gone. My ex took everything we, me and my children, owned to the local tip. We had nothing. So no i couldnt save

All of this is irrelevant however to my situation today.

OP posts:
MyRosePoster · 04/06/2024 21:50

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 04/06/2024 21:34

Dissuade broken families?

How?
Stop a spouse having an affair?
stop abusive spouses?

I did not want to become a separated family. I couldn’t have stopped it happening!

PP wasn't talking about you, but feckless men.
How many would think twice about spreading their sperm wantonly, if they were severely punished for it?
Right now cheaters and abusers can use women to their hearts' content, walk out, and face no consequences.
Of course there are irresponsible women too but a) lower in number and b) not really the point.

I think they should be jailed and/or as a PP said, incur debts payable to the state. If they can't pay, they can work it off :)

TargetPractice11 · 04/06/2024 21:45

That sounds so hard and frustrating OP.

Personally I think where an absent parent isn't contributing, the state should pay and then that amount should form a debt owed by the absent parent to the state. Then it's on the government to pursue the debt, not single mothers with no resources or energy to do it.

Non payment over a long period of time should have a jail term.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 04/06/2024 21:34

SpindleyDindley · 04/06/2024 21:29

I do not think there should be any more financial support from the government. More so when the children are old enough to work. The country is already flat broke.

What I would like to see is more laws to ensure that fathers have to pay more towards their children's upbringing. We need to dissuade broken families where possible rather than subsidise it.

Dissuade broken families?

How?
Stop a spouse having an affair?
stop abusive spouses?

I did not want to become a separated family. I couldn’t have stopped it happening!

SpindleyDindley · 04/06/2024 21:29

I do not think there should be any more financial support from the government. More so when the children are old enough to work. The country is already flat broke.

What I would like to see is more laws to ensure that fathers have to pay more towards their children's upbringing. We need to dissuade broken families where possible rather than subsidise it.

Mockingjay123 · 04/06/2024 21:26

For a school trip directly related to the curriculum eg for maths and English revision, there should not be a £300 cost. There should only be a requested contribution. Schools usually give plenty of notice for school trips costing £300 too- so that parents can pay in instalments. When did school make you aware of this trip? I would approach school again. I don’t think that someone earning 40k should be subsidised by universal credit (to compensate for a dead beat father), no. I think you must live in an expensive area. Was there not much equity in your house when it was sold? If you didn’t buy another property, was there no opportunity to keep some money back from the sale.

MyRosePoster · 04/06/2024 21:22

OP, I agree that a single higher earner is penalised more than 2 low earners. When really it should be the other way around. There's no need for a 'low income' household with one parent not working FT to be subsidised more than a single parent. Given that the latter will have childcare, wraparound etc to pay for. Unless there's severe disability or anything else preventing working. Similarly, CMS should be much stricter.

I also think a £300 revision trip is ludicrous anyway and shouldn't even exist, and in this case it's unfair to exclude your child.

However at the risk of sounding v. 'race to the bottom' your expenses listed include socialising and technology, your child can afford BMX parts and branded clothes.

Other 'educational' trips that aren't part of the curriculum are a luxury, not a necessity. If your child really wanted to go, they could contribute to at least some of the cost.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 04/06/2024 21:19

@blarneebeekeeper What kind of school is it that thinks a £300 trip for revision is ok? And provide no funded places.

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 04/06/2024 21:05

Are you a member of RCN? They have benevolent fund and they might be able to help. It’s worth investigating.

Almostwelsh · 04/06/2024 20:58

TheHornedOne · 04/06/2024 20:48

Your 40k income is more than many dual-parent families income, YABVU

But of course the non-resident parents issue should not exist and CMS should have more powers.

I suspect you could have had a much better standard of living elsewhere in the country with your NHS nursing career, but you likely chose to stay where you are.

A dual parent household has 2 tax allowances. So 2 people earning 20k each will take home a lot more than a single person on 40k.

LMMuffet · 04/06/2024 20:57

pinotnow · 04/06/2024 20:42

God this thread really is a race to the bottom:

Why doesn't OP just get into debt?
Why don't the 14 year olds just get jobs?
Why doesn't the eldest child just starting out in life pay towards his/her younger siblings?

No. Why doesn't the state do something about non-paying parents and if not, step in itself, and why doesn't a headteacher have more sense and decency than to organise a GCSE prep event that costs £300!

Edited

Completely agree!

Overthebow · 04/06/2024 20:52

No, benefits shouldn’t be upped, this is not for the public to pay for. This is a CMS issue, I would support a reform of that. I would also support benefits taking CMS into account, but mainly to stop people getting benefits whilst receiving hundreds in extra money.

TheHornedOne · 04/06/2024 20:48

Your 40k income is more than many dual-parent families income, YABVU

But of course the non-resident parents issue should not exist and CMS should have more powers.

I suspect you could have had a much better standard of living elsewhere in the country with your NHS nursing career, but you likely chose to stay where you are.

entiawest · 04/06/2024 20:46

A race to the bottom is blaming a headteacher for organising something which clearly isn't compulsory (English and maths revision can be done at home) and which is actually less than £100 per night and which no doubt teachers are doing unpaid !

RedFence · 04/06/2024 20:45

OP please try benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

I can't be 100% sure, but I think this is the calculater which has grant info at the end.

Also, just in solidarity for CMS claims, I tried to do this once, about 5 years ago...he stormed up to my car, got in right into my face, threatened me, then slammed my car door very hard. It's not just the applying and the slow drip of letters from CMS, it can be dangerous to even apply. I have never done it again.

pinotnow · 04/06/2024 20:42

God this thread really is a race to the bottom:

Why doesn't OP just get into debt?
Why don't the 14 year olds just get jobs?
Why doesn't the eldest child just starting out in life pay towards his/her younger siblings?

No. Why doesn't the state do something about non-paying parents and if not, step in itself, and why doesn't a headteacher have more sense and decency than to organise a GCSE prep event that costs £300!

Danikm151 · 04/06/2024 20:41

The threshold for free school meals/ pupil premium is so low now that only parents working minimal hours get it. It’s around £7000?
yet UC expects a single parent with a school aged child to be working over 30 hours per week.

people forget that 2 income households are always going to be better off as the costs are shared.

NoSquirrels · 04/06/2024 20:41

How old is your eldest, OP? Are they still studying or are they working full time? If so do they pay board? It’s not unfair to ask them to do so, if they don’t. As you say, you can’t really support 4 adult people on one wage.

What general geographic area are you? There are often small charities who can sometimes assist if you Google.

And will school definitely not lower the deposit amount in order to secure DC’s place and set up a payment plan?

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:37

RedFence · 04/06/2024 20:30

OP, I can really sense the unfairness of your situation. I'm a single parent too, and although I receive CM, it's very low and hasn't changed in 8 years. I actually found the period of my sons in childcare cheaper than now, partly due to the cost of living now, but also as they get older, no more clothes from Sainsburys or Tesco, much less free days out options, they eat EVERYTHING, their various clubs, taxi runs etc.

I don't think CM should be included in UC claims...I think, understandably, your frustration is misplaced...if you hadn't had to fight such a huge battle for the shitty amount of CM you've had, but instead received a representative amount and support, I don't think you'd feel this way.

I think The US has a system linked to NI equivalent, I think it is enforced like a tax.

I wish the CMS had backbone and decision making powers. I think the current set up is awful and directly negatively impacts woman and children.

I'm so sorry you're still fighting. It won't be like this forever, things will get better.

You could check the benefits calculators, as they also list grants you can access. I was going to apply for a grant offered to Master Degree Holders, there may be NHS/nursing graduate ones available.

Also, sometimes, it's maybe worth dropping a few hours a week at work, the tax/NI and UC may mean you barely notice. That happened to me too.

Exactly. I think its thought once they are out of the childcare era, it gets better, but their actual costs go up, and you dont get extra support with that.

It is 100% a CMS issue, i agree, however, theres no chance of any kind of reform in that area, so i was musing about alternatives that could help even the balance for kids like mine. That didnt involve me upping my hours to 63 for a few weeks to pay for the trip. Which is currently my only real plan.

OP posts:
Hinkuy · 04/06/2024 20:36

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:28

I already have debt from when i was a student, i dont have access to a credit card.

Im about £100 a month better off working the hours i do, with how universal credit works it deducts £55 from your award for every £100 you earn. And even just my basic hours earns over the threshold for any additional benefits from UC So dropping shifts wouldnt make me better off if that makes sense. On months i have annual leave or dont pick up as many extras or my shifts are all basic not enhanced, and get a small amount of UC, im definitely worse off and feel it even more.

What do you mean about debt from when you were a student and no access to a credit card? Are you in an IVA or bankruptcy etc? Have you got some sound financial advice even via step change or citizens advice etc?

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:35

cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:23

not have to work for the same opportunities as others their age

I think you'll find it is completely normal to work for your opportunities at this age. Some might not need to, but plenty do. So yours are not particularly unusual

a revision based trip for core subjects.

sorry, this just makes no sense - you don't need to go away to revise your core subjects

they are disadvantaged because there isnt an option for 2 incomes coming into their household,

They are not disadvantaged, you are earning far more than I was as a single parent to teens - mine were not disadvantaged either.

i feel school events should have some kind of subsidy that takes this into consideration,

well, they do, so this clearly is not a n appropriate trip for asking for a subsidy for..

I think you've got a real bee in your bonnet about your children being somehow deprived or disadvantaged. They are not. With your income, they will easily be among the top 10% most privileged teens in the world.

Ok. Thanks for your input. Its been enlightening.

OP posts:
RedFence · 04/06/2024 20:30

OP, I can really sense the unfairness of your situation. I'm a single parent too, and although I receive CM, it's very low and hasn't changed in 8 years. I actually found the period of my sons in childcare cheaper than now, partly due to the cost of living now, but also as they get older, no more clothes from Sainsburys or Tesco, much less free days out options, they eat EVERYTHING, their various clubs, taxi runs etc.

I don't think CM should be included in UC claims...I think, understandably, your frustration is misplaced...if you hadn't had to fight such a huge battle for the shitty amount of CM you've had, but instead received a representative amount and support, I don't think you'd feel this way.

I think The US has a system linked to NI equivalent, I think it is enforced like a tax.

I wish the CMS had backbone and decision making powers. I think the current set up is awful and directly negatively impacts woman and children.

I'm so sorry you're still fighting. It won't be like this forever, things will get better.

You could check the benefits calculators, as they also list grants you can access. I was going to apply for a grant offered to Master Degree Holders, there may be NHS/nursing graduate ones available.

Also, sometimes, it's maybe worth dropping a few hours a week at work, the tax/NI and UC may mean you barely notice. That happened to me too.

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:28

Hinkuy · 04/06/2024 20:17

Why is credit card not an option? Or some other form of debt you could reasonably pay back fairly quickly without any/much interest? I'm sure your eldest would give up a few bits of branded clothing to help you out too.

Have you worked out if you'd be better off doing less overtime and claiming more UC?

I already have debt from when i was a student, i dont have access to a credit card.

Im about £100 a month better off working the hours i do, with how universal credit works it deducts £55 from your award for every £100 you earn. And even just my basic hours earns over the threshold for any additional benefits from UC So dropping shifts wouldnt make me better off if that makes sense. On months i have annual leave or dont pick up as many extras or my shifts are all basic not enhanced, and get a small amount of UC, im definitely worse off and feel it even more.

OP posts:
wutheringkites · 04/06/2024 20:27

I think the maintenance system needs reform - non payment should be treated the same as non payment of tax.

The issue with changing the benefits system is that many women just wouldn't bother to claim maintenance if the same support can be claimed through UC - much easier to deal with DWP than an unpleasant/ abusive ex.