My boyfriend of 3 years is having issues with my DD (14). She is most likely on the autism spectrum and I am going through the route of assesment for her.
She likes schedules, predictability and time alone. She struggles socially to make friends and feels very alone at school. She gets easily overwhelmed with too much noise or stimulation and is very emotional and cries everyday. She doesn’t like to do much and her preferred choice of activity would be sitting around painting or watching tv. She also has some mild learning difficulties, so struggles with her schoolwork. She often doesn’t know the ‘right’ thing to say and her conversations can be strange and odd at times. She people pleased in my opinion which means we often all get different individual versions of events and she often lies in small ways. Overall she is a good kid with a kind heart.
Her dad (who left when she was a baby) is a very wealthy man, but a terrible parent who has little to nothing to do with her other than to criticise her family and especially me and my DBF. He will sees her a few times a year for a meal and calls her now and again to ask what I am up to and put me and her siblings, or even her, down.
My BF get very agitated and can be in a mood for the rest of the day or can start an argument that lasts for days any time DD mentions her father, or anything her father has said to her. To be fair her dad is always telling her what we are providing isn’t enough, the holidays aren’t good enough and we aren’t traveling first class, like he does. She doesn’t have a filter and just shares this with us. Not as her view but as her dads.
I’ve spoke with her many times and it’s now at the point where I have asked her not to mention her dad around DBF.
DBF has started saying DD is spoiling everyone’s fun as she struggles with sensory overload on car journeys or trips away. She gets teary and upset over the noise (we have two other younger children) and doesn’t want to be touched by her siblings or to be in the car too long. I find ways to manage it with her. We plan out timings so she knows how long we are in the car for, we plan our days on holiday so she knows what activities to expect. She tries her best but can’t help sometimes feeling overwhelmed and then cries.
She doesn’t like to exercise and struggles with her confidence with many things.
He thinks she is spoiling the activities for everyone else as she looks miserable. She’s simply trying to join in and not make a fuss as best she can. She can’t help it if she isn’t enjoying it!
He says she is entitled as she prefers luxury and she’s making a scene because she wants to be on a luxury holiday and not a budget one. I know her and that’s not the case. She just struggles with the sheer amount of activities and lack of relaxation that is on holidays with DBF and the other children. If I were given an option of a relaxing beach trip to the Maldives or a camping site I would choose the Maldives hands down, no questions asked too! I’m not ungrateful!
She acts like a much younger child and he will always focus on the fact that she is 14 and should be behaving in a certain way.
Sometimes he makes a real effort with her and is great. Then others, he has no patience and moody as ever and ignores her.
He says he doesn’t have anything in common with her. Sometimes he doesn’t engage in conversation with her and answers her questions in one word answers. Doesn’t ask how her day was, nothing. And when I confront him about it he say he isn’t being horrible to her or saying anything mean. In my opinion he is basically pretending she doesn’t exist.
So the thing that gets to me the most is we can be having a discussion, say about how nice the weekend was, and he will then interject with something negative like, ‘we’ll your DD wasn’t happy. She looked like she hated it. It wasn’t good enough for her. She is ungrateful/ entitled.’ Or he will roll his eyes when she says something odd or she doesn’t seem genuinely excited for something we have planned that isn’t actually to her taste.
On holiday last week they were alone for a few minutes at a lovely restaurant I had booked as a treat for DD and they had a conversation when I was in the ladies room. Everything was perfectly fine before this. The rest of the meal was silence and he didn’t talk to me or DD at all other than responding to my questions with grunts or single words, without actually looking at me. He complained about the food and just said he hated it and wanted to leave. He wouldn’t tell me why until later.
Turns out it was because DD had mentioned she really likes eating out at nice restaurants like the one we were in and that’s the best part of her holidays. (She a massive foodie and it’s her passion) he said it felt like she only wanted luxury things and she was, his words, ‘shitting on the rest of the holiday.’
He had no understanding of the fact that she is most likely autistic and that her brain doesn’t work quite like his. He says that it’s no excuse to behave as she does.
He has recently been let go from his job so is struggling with that and other stressful situations, so he is more moody than usual at the moment.
So is my kid a brat or is he? I just need some outside views on the situation. Thank you.
YABU - DD is a brat
YANBU- DBF is a brat