To think being single is amazing!

I actually think being single is best in middle age. I’m a single mum and of course that’s tough but it’s a million times better than running around trying to please a man as well. I’m lucky that I have a professional job so am financially secure. I now get to choose where I want to go, what I want to do, etc for me and my kids. It’s fab.

There’s a really good book called The Unexpected Joy of Being Single. It basically takes apart the idea you need to be in a relationship to be happy and reframes single life. I read it years ago and it changed my whole perspective.

I would say though, I’m engaged now and the downsides you describe of being in a relationship aren’t present in all of them. I think if you’re happy single it’s much easier to say no to relationships like that so, if you do end up in one, you get a better one if you meet someone.

If I’m honest, before I became single I (subconsciously) held the view that single people are mostly unhappy and even incomplete. I think this is really engrained by society, alongside ideas about divorce being a moral failure and long term monogamy being the ideal.

I feared living alone but would now find it very hard to go back to living with someone. I’m introverted and don’t get lonely - I like being able to control the level of social contact I have and have much stronger female friendships since becoming single. I lost a lot of myself in my relationship and in that sense feel more myself as a single person. (Being a single parent does have major drawbacks however).

My ideal would be a relationship where we don’t live together, see each other a couple of times a week and have independent lives and finances and limited expectations of each other. This may change over time but currently the idea of interdependence and blending lives and families fills me with dread. I actually think a relationship which you have total freedom to leave and doesn’t require shared domesticity etc. is likely to be more fulfilling romantically / sexually than long- term cohabitation (at least for me), though perhaps the inherent instability would get difficult.

I’m moving towards the view that expecting to be happy with one person for a period of 50+ years is unrealistic for most, particularly given the extent to which we expect our needs to be met by that one relationship with our spouse. And that if the person who was right for you at 25 is no longer right at 40 that’s not necessarily a failing.

Your pity should be directed at women who stay in relationships where they are bored, fed up, unhappy. And of course those who stay in abusive relationships.

Single women have often left relationships where the relationship wasn’t right for whatever reason. Why would you pity them for then choosing to enjoy being single?

Something that always strikes me about these comments, the other person needs looking after too! People bang on about "you have no support" etc. It's not a one-way street. That person will get ill, lose jobs, have elderly parents (eventually) etc etc.

I'm 48. Don't forget, some of us have been well loved. And we have left, because being single is better for us...because we don't want marriage or coupledom.

I imagine the same people who are horrified by happy singletons are horrified by happy childfree people.

I did find a big change in how people treated me when I hit 40. Like suddenly I was old enough to know what I wanted!

I've had some really tough times but at all those points, I was glad I didn't have the extra worries of coupledom.

Different things suit different people. I don't know why society is so threatened by that.

I’ve been with my DH since I was 15 and I’m now almost 33, I fantasise about being single. That’s not to say I don’t love him, I really do, but I’ve never experienced living as a single woman. We’ve lived together since I was 18. He used to work nights on a 4 on/4 off pattern and I LOVED those 4 nights in a row that I had completely to myself after the kids had gone to bed.

I kind of wish we could try out living half of the week separately or something, just to see what it was like 🤣

I'm actually married but I don't have to put up with any of those things you mention in your post - wouldn't even enter my husbands head to be honest. I've had some of it before and yes, I'd much rather be single than put up with all that, but I'm just pointing out that it doesn't have to be like that in a happy relationship :) Sounds like you've just met the wrong people and have had some bad experiences. I think it's important to be fine on your own as a woman and fair play to you, just don't discount every man/woman :)

No.
I don’t think it’s amazing.

I’m, truly, happy that you and others are happy being single, and I know there is stilm stigma of being single woman.

But, damn, I hate it.
I’m so lonely.
I feel like a weirdo, since everyone one else in relationships.
Always on my own, alone.
I feel like I missed out a huge chubk of life, that everyone else take for granted.

I’m not single by choice though. No man was ever interested in me. So I missed out on love, partnership and kids.

I’ve been single for 4 years now and I love it. I enjoy the freedom so much and also enjoy not having to make the effort to make someone else happy.

I was in a relationship from 16 - 20, and then straight in to another relationship from 20 - 30. So my whole adult life up until I split with my ex was spent with someone. Now I just enjoy the peace and calm of being on my own with my children.

Not everyone regrets children it's not easy by any means but for some of us it's the only family we have and it has alot of good times too. If someone doesn't want them or to be in a relationship it's their choice.
Just because I'm married with kids doesn't mean I assume everyone should do the same.
She probably is fed up with relationships as she's mentioned in her post. She might meet someone one day and think differently or carry on being single.

She hasn't criticised anyone for being the opposite. I think the poster is just saying it's OK to be single and happy and I think that's great.

Interesting post. Most people I imagine have wasted time in crap relationships, especially when younger when you are still finding your feet in life, working out who you are or have the experience to establish firm boundaries, spot red flags and generally have the confidence and self esteem to not need a relationship for validation. I was single for several years, had my own home, car, savings, decent career, enjoyed travel, sports and pursuing hobbies as and when I pleased. I was very happy with my lot. If anyone was to become my long term partner they would have to enhance my life not be an anchor. There is lots of talk of having to compromise or settle in a relationship and I do not think that has to be the case. I'm married now and at the risk of sounding smug, very happy, we pull each other up and it is lovely having someone in my life who has my back and is my best friend. <fetch the bucket>.

Happy for you op, why is anyone pitying her? If your happy enough on your own embrace it. Im married and I like being in a relationship but it's not easy, I sometimes wish I could have my bed all to myself tho 😂

What a strange and narrow minded take.

I love my husband more than I love being single, BUT objectively single people put more into their friendships and other relationships.

I’ve seen plenty of married people put all their time and energy into their children and partners, then their children fuck off and their partners leave or god forbid, die and they have nothing. Single people are more likely to build better friendship networks as they have the time to do so.

This opinion must be coming from a love struck teenager. I can’t see an adult writing this

Which is interesting given how many women and men secretly and privately regret parenthood.

@MakeTheFriendshipBracelets you sound very like the poster on the thread about childfree women who said that people who’ve chosen not to have children are inwardly miserable and angry because they know they’ve made the wrong choice…..

I totally agree that having children is human nature (largely hormonally driven) but many other things are natural too.

Polyamory is natural in many older societies, including the UK if you go back to pagan times with men and women having many partners and raising children together.

Post natal depression is natural.

Bonding with your baby is natural. So is not bonding with your baby.

Do you want children OP?

The thing is it's human nature to find a partner to reproduce, that's what our natural instincts tell us to do. I do think changing society is coming away from that and it is (and should be) becoming more accepted if you don't want to be in a relationship or have children.
Honestly though OP it sounds like you just haven't found the right person yet. Of course there is some degree of compromise in a relationship but the way you describe is just a bad relationship, a good relationship doesn't have a lot of those issues.

''@MakeTheFriendshipBracelets · Today 08:14
What a shame for you. A person can never be fully content and truly happy when they are single.

I am sure you believe otherwise and will protest it until the cows come home, but nobody wants to be old and lonely, looking back and having nobody.''

Daft...

What you believe is irrelevant.

You just need to read the various comments from women on this thread and accept that it is a fact that many people are happy/happier single.

Just like many people are happy not having kids.

Always strange to me that some people think there is only one way to live your life...

If you really dig into it, there is probably pressure from society and religions because it is believed that people getting married/having kids will mean they are more likely to buy into consumerism, make more docile employees and fulfil some old gender stereotypes.

Whereas women who decide to take a different path and still manage to be happy, well that is 'threatening' for many...

That's gone whether you meet the 'right' man or not. And noone can guarantee how a man (or women for that matter) will step up to the plate with regards to parenting.

There are many people in sexless marriages or having affairs to meet their sexual needs.

Yes being single is absolutely great for freedom etc but you mentioned you might want a child OP? In which case you absolutely do need to meet the right man (and soon if you’re 33) so you might want to consider being a bit more pro-active in meeting one. Because if you meet the wrong man, have a child and end up being a single parent then that freedom, lack of compromise, spending all your money on yourself, putting yourself first etc that you value so highly is completely gone.

I didn't say there was anything wrong with these things or that they were a negative. It's just not something I personally want in my life. It's not a slight on your or your life.

Wow, thank you for your honesty @dollandstep - I've long wondered why it's acceptable for people to ask me (38, ten years single by choice, childfree by choice) when I'm going to settle down and find someone, but for me to ask someone who's already married when they're going to get rid of their partner and settle into happy singlehood would be totally taboo/the height of rudeness.

I've had two great long term relationships and am still in touch with them both but am happiest single - and it took me some time to get my head round this because societal conditioning is strong!

Have a read of Bella DePaulo, @Cantrememberasongname - she's just released a book called single at heart and she researches people like us who are happier single despite society's attempts to convince us that we're somehow faulty for preferring it