Awkward invite to OW/affair wedding

I would decline the wedding purely because I am no fan of them. However you sound like a sociable person and I love people who overly share, blurt out their life stories and tell me stuff which I wouldn't disclose to my closest confidant! I wouldn't have a problem socialising with her or asking her along for drinks with other work colleagues, she sounds like an absolute hoot and I bet she has some really funny stories to tell. Live and let live and is my motto and I try not to judge anyone (unless a Tory)! 😄

I don't give a shit about her being the OW tbh.

But she's interesting because she worked as an escort for 12 years. I'd be super curious about that.

And no, I wouldn't want to be friends with an MRA or a racist. But I don't consider her behaviour to be anywhere near as bad or dangerous. I don't have a problem with her having been the OW - it's not my business, and unless it turns out that she's a deliberate femme fatale whose hobby is going around breaking up marriages, I doubt that it would ever bother me. I'm not saying it's a great situation to be in, but it's not my marriage and not my business.

The OP said the woman had explained in great detail about what went on so if the OP says it was a 2 year affair she was uncomfortable about them I'll take that at face value.

The SW itself is actually neither here nor there to me (I worked with a lot of people in this area- medical field- and certainly don't view people in terms of 'scarlet women').

However, I don't personally enjoy the company of those who habitually overshare personal detail uninvited. Once a connection has been established, nothing is off bounds but I don't connect with people by being pelted with their dirty laundry. I find it tedious.

Doesn't necessarily mean they're bad people, there may be reasons for this, but if they're not on top of this tendency AND are having affairs, they're very unlikely to be friendship material for me.

So what. I don't see anything wrong with judging people who have affairs actually. Her behaviour shows a total lack of moral compass.
Also I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was a prostitute either. She made that choice.

I'm not surprised she doesn't have many friends.

I wouldn't go near her other than as required to do my job.

She's not someone I'd want to start socialising with tbh.

It's harder to walk away from a friendship than it is to avoid starting one.

Most just wouldn't particularly want to celebrate a wedding knowing how it started (causing hurt) when they don't know the couple.

You have no idea of the circumstances - as you say the couple are not known, but hey paint her as a scarlet woman.

Similarly most don't seem to really wish to get involved with someone who seems a bit dysregulated with a social objective.

Just come out and say it - you look down on her because of her sex work.

Not really.

Nobody is talking about shunning an existing friend or handling it with anything less than politeness.

Most just wouldn't particularly want to celebrate a wedding knowing how it started (causing hurt) when they don't know the couple.

Similarly most don't seem to really wish to get involved with someone who seems a bit dysregulated with a social objective.

I think is sounds super entertaining. I'd go on the off chance the ex-wife shows up and raise hell.

The affair has nothing to do with it. She's not a friend, you don't wish her to be one.

Just decline politely

I find it more tragic than hilarious tbh, it's like a throwback to an era of shunning, shaming and wearing of scarlet letters.

The back story is irrelevant - you’re not there to pass judgement.

I wouldn’t bother going to the wedding of someone I didn’t know well.

Absolutely agree.

Ultimately, what's the alternative to exercising judgement on whom you allow into your life?

I may stand by a good friend in this situation (although, she would know I thought she was going about the relationship the wrong way by engaging in a 2year affair. Why so long? Make your decision and stick to it) but I wouldn't be showing support for two virtual strangers by making the numbers up at their wedding knowing all this.

If they were low on numbers for other reasons I may make the effort, new to the country, no family etc. I'm happy using that judgement to determine how to use my time.

Me too regarding work and home life separation.

How unfortunate you have another family event that day that you can't get out of!

Just decline but thank her for the invite.

She probably hasn't got many friends due to the way she has met her husband to be, and she's looking for new ones now.

Don't feel bad about not wanting to be her friend, no-one can force you into a friendship. Just say you have a good network of friends at the moment and that your not looking for new friendships of the type she is proposing.

I'd be happy to get to know her. Maybe she's lovely!

I really don't think lovely people behave like this.

Anyway, she's definitely had an interesting life, and I'd be curious about her.

...why? Why is she any more interesting than someone who doesn't sleep with married men?

Anyway, for those sneering at how judgmental the OP is: would you attend the wedding of a racist? Or one of those MRAs who wants to legalise sexual abuse "as long as she was on his property"? Truthfully, a lot of people wouldn't (although a depressing number would). People who claim they never judge anyone are lying. And if they truly never judge anyone, then by definition they can't judge judgmental people!

None of your business how she got together with her fiance but you are under no obligation to go to her wedding or be her friend. Just keep it professional

I’d politely decline the invite, and politely decline being asked out if I didn’t want to go. There’s no need to make reasons as to why. Just a polite sorry

She has asked you to be her friend (with the wedding and suggesting other meet-ups). It looks as if she likes you - or thinks that she will do so. This is a good basis for a friendship (from her side).

Do you feel that she might be a good friend for you?
Does she annoy or irriatate you?
Are you drawing back for particular reasons/feelings - and do you trust those?

(As for the basis of her relationship/the affaire: people's faults/mis-doings are so much more forgiveable in someone you like. )

Perhaps you have a holiday booked over the wedding.

This is very easy... just say ' thank you so much fit your really thoughtful invitation, however I've got a lot on around that time this year so I won't be able to make it. Please accept my best wishes for the most wonderful day'.

No need to make anything up! Just be very vague if asked about big family birthdays / getting work done on your house / supporting a family member with something... nothing you can be too tied down to!

And avoid

Apologise politely and plead a prior event

If someone is remorseful and repents.

And I'm not sure it's fair to put this person's hypothetical future as someone else's responsibility. WE all have free will.

If this person wanted some money to feed her kids or a urgent lift somewhere absolutely I'd help if I could. But I wouldn't be eager to forge a friendship with them.

OK, massive drip feed OP. There's a possibility she's targeting you, because she thinks you are well off/of use, or because everyone else sees her regularly and knows she's one to avoid. Just be nice, but unavailable outside of work. Shouldn't be too hard if you naturally see very little of her. If eventually your instincts suggest she might actually be a potentially nice friend, you can always reassess in the future, if she hasn't been huffed.

What about women destroying other women's lives by knowingly bedding their husbands? Not all women are vulnerable victims. Some women are absolute bitches to other women.