To be put off by this on a first date?

As bad as it sounds, first date I would absolutely expect him to (at the very least) offer or it would put me off. Subsequent dates fairly split or taking turns. I understand if it was for financial reasons but 1'd have expected him to bring up arrangements before the bill came in case you only had cash or you wanted to tap separately, not then say to transfer last minute because the having to set up a new payee would annoy me on a date. Should have given you the option to split there and then as it's so much easier.

Was it right down the middle or did you cover your separate meals?

No it seems she usually half heartedly offers but doesn't expect to actually pay for herself.

YABU

Why should he pay ? Why is it that men are expected to pay ? You say you usually insist on paying your way and don’t mind that - so I don’t really understand your issue ?

@paybyme I’d want and expect to pay half and wouldn’t let someone pay half on a first date. Wouldn’t expect any different 🤷🏻‍♀️.

OP I get you. It’s happened to me & it did put me off. Maybe I’m an old romantic but I wanted to be wooed.

Some of these men that are quick to pay and ask for you to transfer your half will be claiming the meal on expenses. Did he ask for receipt?

I’d prefer to pay directly than transfer money.

Spot on. Otherwise he could have just paid his half while OP paid hers. Pretentious imo

So if the conversation had gone that he said he'd pay it and you insisted on halves and he accepted that would have been better? What's the difference? Maybe he's just practical. As others said maybe this is his third first date in three weeks.
If he'd just paid he would then run the risk of his date accusing him of being old fashioned
Poor bloke can't win

@paybyme Who asked who out? If he asked you, or invited you to dinner, then he pays unless it it agreed upon before hand that the bill is split.

I think it's polite to offer to share the bill if you are the invitee, but I think it's rude to ask someone to split it if you did the inviting.

I apply the above to dinner with friends as well as dates. And if you can't afford to pay for someone else, but you would still like their company, than be up front about it. Or offer to pay for the drinks for the both of you, then it's clear the money for the food is split.

OP, what he did would put me off too. I would not be accepting a second date, even if it's only for his failure to be transparent about what a "date" actually means to him. Poor communication skills are a bad start to anything.

I would be put off too. It’s not good being asked so forwardly to split on a first date and not giving you time to offer splitting. Screams cheapskate.

Ah you have clarified - it's the fact he didn't offer to pay.
I found the paying and asking you to transfer off putting. I certainly do not expect someone to pay for me - meeting for first time I DEFINITELY want to pay my half. Second date fine, though I'd still prefer to pay my share as that prevents any feelings of obligation, as old fashioned as that sounds.
If you get 'lots if offers' why do you need to go online? I'd much rather meet someone in real life.

Initially I'd probably think the same thing, but is it the done thing now to go Dutch rather than the man paying full?

I wouldn't let it put me off a second date though. My partner did this and I still had his babies.

I think yabu. If you've been dating a long time it must get so bloody expensive always footing the bill.

I think it’s a great indicator of how you see the relationship going forward. Those who want the man to pay can carry on dating until they find the guy they want. Those who want to split get to split, and those who want to pay it all may be put off by a man who finds it emasculating therefore continuing to date until they find the man they desire.

I am firmly a splitter. My now husband and I used to split the bill (initially buying alternative rounds In pubs and then in turns paying for dinner). I would not have been comfortable with him paying for everything on a first date at all, it’s not the kind of guy I look for.

I got the relationship I hoped I would, we share money completely, we share housework, childcare, mental load completely. I’m really happy and wouldn’t change a thing!

But you don’t have to agree surely? Sex isn’t compulsory!

😂

I think you're entitled to feel how you feel, and to not take it anywhere, but personally I feel that if you want a relationship then this would be a daft reason to knock this one on the head.

I don't expect a man to pay on a first date because of my choices around my children, how bizarre.

You want him to want to pay. I get that. Even if you push back and still go halves. Him asking you to pay him back feels quite transactional and like he might not see you again. I wouldn’t like it either.

Of course some of them are. Maybe even more likely than those who are more old fashioned and insist on paying just because they are men.

Oh is that what this chap is doing? This guy who has been on one date? And thought splitting the bill was reasonable? He’s somehow making a political statement about his view on feminism? Balderdash.

I don't think either from the sound of it that she was seriously expecting to have to pay her share. She could have asked the server for separate bills.

Its men cherry picking the bits of feminism that suit them and leaving the rest. Its absolutely relevant

Please don't think I'm after someone's money as I am REALLY not and always pay my own way. However ...

Call me old fashioned but I'd like a guy to offer to pay on the first date. However, I don't want him to pay, but just to offer!!!!

If he didn't offer it would make me think he could be mean with money, which is a hugely unattractive trait.

Just see how it goes next time!

They're both bad, just because men can behave badly we should overlook everything a woman does? I'm assuming you use men in a similar way as my friend. You mean my outlook of not exploiting the hell out of everyone? Yeah it's worked out pretty well so far.

And no I have definitely not been on the receiving end of that type of behaviour you describe from men, sorry to disappoint you.

Also the member of the staff wouldn’t care in the slightest would they? I don’t get that it was a Billy Big Balls act - they just want the bill to be paid (living in the era of dine and dash), doubt they gave a second thought to whose bank account the money came from.