How to deal with my mentally ill adult sibling

“Rethink” the mental health charity do siblings support and meet up groups (although it’s area dependent).

I have been in a very similar situation. The only difference is my sibling was never aggressive or rude or demanding of my time. Yes your brother has serious mental health issues, but he’s also selfish and rude and manipulative on top - maybe things he learnt from his upbringing.

If I were you I would say you need a break from contacting him for a year and he needs to line up some additional support for himself during this time. You aren’t walking away, you just need to take a huge step back for a fixed period of time for your own mental health and personal recovery. He won’t like it but it needs to happen for your relationship to survive longer term.

Ah ok in that case YANBU. You are a good sibling and I'm sorry you have to deal with this alone. Sounds like you need to either have a discussion about clearing the air and forgiving each other for things that happened in the past or moving on.

You are a carer, not many people recognise that they are carers. You are giving emotional support and it seems practical support when ringing services above what a normal person would. Look for local carer support groups, any ones specific to mental health would be good. There's a massive lack of understanding of just how emotionally difficult it is to care for someone with mental health problems. I don't think anyone really appreciates it unless they've been there.
I have. Some things that helped me, although it took some strength, was being firmer with boundaries. If I don't feel emotionally strong enough for a call I don't take it. Face to face when conversations get too intense and I'm not in the right mind to deal with it I have said "I cannot deal with these conversations right now, I need to go".
I have my phone on silent over night.
I take time for myself to do things I enjoy and do it guilt free, you can't pour from an empty cup! If you carry in like this you will break and then you won't be able to provide help to your brother or anyone else and your own mental health could spiral.
I wouldn't have took a call on holiday. I would have contacted his support worker if I was concerned to check all was well.
I had councelling, it was quite open but based mainly around CBT and also mindfulness. It did help build my resilience and help me stop getting overwhelmed with worry.
Please do take care of yourself, you deserve to be happy and well.

a shot across your bow. FFS.

It will be better for him if you step back too. Old patterns are keeping you both stuck. Good luck OP and claim your own space and your own peace.

Take it as a sign.

You love your DB, can see he is mentally ill and want to help him but your self-imposed role of rescuer is suffocating and breaking you, while solving nothing. Honestly I'd seek counselling for yourself, from your posts its going to take more than a thread on the internet to work through.

Calling you on holiday is one thing, laying on guilt and fear by punishing you with 'what could have happened' while you were away is coercive control, the psychological threat of "look what you made me do" if you do it again. A shot across your bough so you'll fear going on holiday in future, its not worth the stress, what if something happens and I wasn't there? See how that works?

Have you considered having him sectioned?

I had an abusive childhood and there came a point where I had to walk away from my siblings.

It’s a hard, horrible choice, but the other choice was to end up in a horrific place that I wouldn’t be able to get out of.

You can’t pour from an empty glass and if you need to walk away - either for a while or permanently- to protect yourself then that’s what you have to do.

It’s not his fault that your childhood has affected him in the way it has, but it’s also absolutely not your fault either. And it’s not your fault that you’re doing better mentally than he is. It’s also perfectly okay to protect yourself.

I think you need to put some firm boundaries in place and communicate these to him, maybe with his support worker present? You are not responsible for him, regardless of your history and bond, you can be there for him and help him but only when YOU are able to do so. It's going to be very hard for both of you and you're going to feel awful about it, but at the end of the day you're absolutely not responsible for his life x

You say you're not a carer but you are taking on some elements of a caring role so you'd be entitled to seek support for yourself as a carer. It might be helpful to link in with carer organisations and get support from them. Action for Carers is one but it depends on your location. It doesn't mean you have to take on more responsibility for him at all! That would not be expected. It might be helpful in terms of seeking support for yourself. Talking to other people who are in similar situations can be helpful.
Just a thought.
Look after yourself

2 things I suggest you do as soon as you can

Don’t JADE with him, justify, argue, defend, explain anything to him where he is demanding your time and energy.

A low level very private relationship where you share very little would probably be best.

You cannot save other people and serious mental health issues require professional treatment which you are not equipped to give. Keep the relationship to a level you can tolerate it at not what a healthy family relationship might look like. It is not possible to achieve.

I think you need to rethink the idea that he's behaving badly only because he's mentally unwell, and consider instead whether he's behaving badly as well as being mentally unwell.

Because I think you are taking too much on here and for as long as you are willing to do that, he has no incentive to take responsibility for himself.

Can you think back to a time, any time, when he was more psychologically stable and yet still behaved badly towards you? A time when he was unkind or manipulative, that you can see clearly was just him being him, rather than him being in the grip of mental illness?

I just think you need to find a way to harden your heart a bit, or you're going to end up going pop.

I absolutely understand how you feel.My partner has CPTSD.Latest suicide attempt was last night.He took an overdose,I had to ring the police as an emergency.I spend hours of my day ringing doctors,therapists and sorting out all of his medical needs.Its never ending.We also have 3 kids and a baby here,and I do all of the caring for them.Its exhausting.If you can put boundaries in place,absolutely do it.You need to put yourself first xx

💐 this sounds tough

I'm so sorry to read your posts OP, and those of others who've experienced similar. And I feel sorry for your DB too, sounds like you've both been through a lot.

It's impossible for anyone here to know whether your DB genuinely intends to harm himself or if it's to keep you enmeshed. You have worked hard to move on from your past and he hasn't and he sees that, so it could all be to make sure your wings remain cropped.

What I can tell you is that my DM has been threatening me with killing herself for 50 years, yet she's in her 80s and still very much alive. For someone like DM the threats are all about dominance and control through your terror and guilt, and I'm not sure if people like this can change. Like OP with DB, my DM made me very ill but instead of any flicker of self-awareness or willingness to change she was determined it was nothing to do with her and carried on heaping on the fear and guilt. Ask yourself OP, if your DB pushes you to a breakdown would he finally realise what he was doing to you & stop? Would he change?

Your shared past cannot be altered so the only thing that matters right now is that your DB is making you ill. Your first responsibility must be to yourself. My advice:
Drop the rope.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

As airlines tell you - put your own mask on first before you help others.

Limit contact, even block his number if you need a break. Every death threat call social services and report him. It will either call his bluff & he'll pack it in or get him in front of people who are qualified to help him.