Severe lies between our children and friends children HELP

Having read your initial post and subsequent responses, I think you have handled this situation remarkably well. I don't think you have overreacted based on your own experiences, I think it is quite understandable that you would be furious that this boy has exposed your little girl to this.

As others have said, I think what he's done is illegal and I'd be tempted to take this matter further. If you don't want to involve the police, perhaps consider contacting his school to make them aware of his behaviour as there may have been other incidents.

His mother could have handled the situation a whole lot better, it's one thing to protect your own child - we all do it - but it's quite another to accuse a little girl of lying when it's clear from everything you've said that she is not. She ought to be very, very alarmed by his behaviour.

Do, or say, whatever you need to do to get things off your chest and make your feelings quite clear but after that cut them out of your life. My trust in this boy would be gone, and his mother.

I think you've said everything you can to reassure your daughter that she was absolutely right to tell you, just keep reassuring her for as long as necessary.

Yes. He's just a youngster too, but the fact that he warned her that if she told anyone he'd deny it and he'd be believed, doesn't sound very innocent at all.
He must have realised her shock and that's why he made the threat. Its not just showing her inappropriate material, its the threat involved.

It may or may not mean the end of the friendship, it really depends on how willing both sides are. But it looks like the OP will put her daughter before the friendship.

So you think it's 50:50 who's lying? I don't. The boy has a motive for lying and a history of lying. OP's daughter has neither.

Try to blame Op's daughter for what though?

She says he showed her something on his phone, he says he didn't.

He doesn't deny that he was talking/laughing about "sexual stuff" with his friends & she overheard.

@New15 if the mum isn’t able to take this seriously ( and she may need a bit of time to process what you have said) …I would actually be notifying the boys school. Some of the things that your friends kids have done like sending pictures and talking to adults sexually are indicators that something isn’t right…at best it’s lack of intervention by the parents and no policing of internet access, at worst it may be 1 or both of those kids are being groomed or possibly have experienced inappropriate sexual behaviour by an adult. As others have said, the fact that the boy involved a younger girl is concerning.

Proved I meant. I'm furious to think your friend will try to blame your dd or her tourettes. At 10 she's too young to put together the if you tell I'll day it was you. That is far more a teen thing. I say this as the mum of a teen a 10 year old does not think that way.

This friendship needs to be over. He's shown her porn what if this escalates to touching. Your friend has already rover she will believe her son.

Don't leave your younger children at this house unsupervised from. Now on

Also. You sound very naive and very blinkered about your daughter. Noone is "that" good ;)

So i suspect that your friend is trying to tell you that

I would however distance the children. Its now the age gap shows and its vast

Your daughter is 10 and vulnerable. This boy has shown he cannot be trusted. Do not allow her in his bedroom or to be alone with him. Sadly some/quite a few teen boys watch porn. Be very careful.

Also - and I cannot repeat this enough - your daughter is the victim of a sex crime. That’s how serious this is.

So would I, especially in light of the previous incident of the friend’s daughter being groomed. I wouldn’t hesitate.
Your DD possibly/probably isn’t the first victim of his behaviour.
As for it being deleted, so what? The police can easily find the evidence and the fact that there’s nothing to find on your DD’s phone.
Report him and hopefully he’ll get the help he clearly needs before another young girl is targetted.

I would apologise to DD for putting her in the position of that happening to her. The other child is obviously not going to apologise, and she needs to feel that none of this is her fault and that her parents shouldn’t have allowed unsupervised contact with a child who is off the rails. That shows you are taking responsibility and have control, and won’t allow it to happen again.

Showing a child pornographic images is sexual abuse. I would not engage with this family any further. I would speak to the safeguarding lead at your child's school about what has happened or I would ring the nspcc for advice on how to support your daughter and on what steps to take next. You need to safeguard your child.

I would make your daughter's school aware so they can provide support but also to protect yourselves by showing you have taken steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.

This is a form of abuse and intimidation. Obviously your lovely DD must never have to see the perpetrator again.

Your friend obviously doesn't love your DD like her own. I couldn't continue to be friends with someone who was willing to risk my child's safety. That crosses a line.

I'm not sure what I would do but I would consider sending an account of what happened to the boy's school in the hope that it will keep others safe by building a picture.

Not to kick you while you're down but it was naive of you to allow a situation where your DD could wander into the bedroom of an older male teenager whom you don't trust. I'm sure it's been a learning curve.

I would second the idea of telling your DD how pleased you are that she was brave enough to tell you so you can keep her safe and do things that are actually fun instead of worrying. If she's not sleeping, acting out of character, having trouble focusing or changing in her eating habits, I'd get her to a play therapist sooner rather then later. Now that everyone is growing up at different rates, it's time to find new friends and won't that be fun.

Wishing you all the very best for the future

they are seriously going to need it...

Your friendship with this family is over.

I would literally send a text message

We believe our daughter has told us the truth therefore this is now going to be the end of our friendship. With something of this nature there isn't a middle ground or compromise. Thank you for the memories and It's sad that things have ended this way, but sometimes life doesn't work out how we think it will. Wishing you all the very best for the future.

You say you are "gentle" and they are "the opposite." What does this mean? Are they hitting, shouting, enforcing harsh punishments? Authoritarian parenting results in sneaky children who lie to avoid punishment. On that basis alone, I would say your values do not align well and I would struggle to have a friendship with these people.

However, now her son has sexually abused your daughter and she has responded by blaming the victim. Abusers frequently start by showing the victim disturbing or upsetting content in order to see how far they can push them and where the boundaries are. As your daughter has told you before it went any further, he will probably now move onto another target.

Your daughter has reported this to you and it's your job to take it seriously. The minimum you can do is cut off all contact with this family immediately. What you should probably do is contact the police.

He might have nothing on his phone that he’s aware of, but police would be able to see what has been accessed using his phone. He could easily still be shown to be guilty here.

Sadly, I have seen it time and time again - parents blindly defending their kids no matter what. Nothing unusual here! I would not argue with parents but I would never allow my kids to be on their own with the friend's kids, and would not allow any close unsupervised contact, even not allow them to sit close on the sofa etc. This could turn very serious, OP - you don't know what this boy would want to do next, or what the girl might teach her/ make her do - your daughter is not safe with either of them.
TBH, I would not be friends with anyone who's kids have these kind of problems. Because I would never allow my DC to socialise with children like this, and it would be very awkward to explain. Easier just to dump them.

Absolutely this!

I’d be inclined to report this to the police too.
Could have been a lot worse. The police, as I’m sure you know, can retrieve content from phones.
I would ask if all 4 adults can thrash this out somehow but I would absolutely pull back from this friendship.

I think this would just mark the end of this friendship if I was in your position to be honest.

Confession ... apology ... police...

No, just no

It’s not immoral at all if she believes him.

My point is that it is perfectly natural and understandable that she would believe him; just the same way that OP believes her child.
There is no evidence except what one says versus the other , so it’s a question of who you trust. Each mother naturally trusts their own child over the other.

OP I've been in a very, very similar situation.

There isn't a solution. I'm so sorry. Kid will lie his face off, parents will believe him in spite of the fact that the kid has a history of bad behaviour and lies, and they'll turn against you. The more you push this, the more they'll lash out and hurt you. And deep down, a part of them does (or should) know that their son is lying so they're hurting you on purpose to protect their own interests.

Your friendship is over and the best you can do is extricate yourself in a way that causes the minimum damage to your daughter. Tell her you believe her, that what he did isn't acceptable and that you think you should do some more fun things rather than spend time there. Never let her see that it upsets you - this is vital. She mustn't learn from this that 'telling people didn't solve anything and made the people I love sad'. She absolutely mustn't. I'm sure you know this.