How do you see your dad's partner?

It's hard when you have suffered a loss but your dad has lost more. Don't be the person that won't let him enjoy what he can in life.

I have had several step parents, extra brothers and sisters, and now my step mum has a new husband. He's in my family because he's in my step mum's family. It doesn't mean he's replaced anyone, he never ever could. Do it for your dad, and be grateful he has someone to love him rather than be lonely.

Your husband needs to grow up a bit. It's great that his mum has embraced those two children as part of her family.

Sorry your mum died too soon.

I grew up with a step grandmother. She definitely was my family and I loved her as much as I would have a blood relative. If your dad is happy, find a way to be happy too. No one wins otherwise.

I think the fact that they haven't moved into a different house makes it harder to see her in your mum's space. It's quite common in these circumstances, but unfortunate.

Bit different but my husband's sister has married a man with 2 small children and his mum calls them her Grandchildren which makes my husband livid and he always corrects her and says they're not.

We're expecting what he considers her first grandchild and fumes when she says it'll be her 3rd.

He even says if she wants to call them grandchildren she won't see our baby when it's born.
Families eh?

I would think it was a lovely gesture if my dad’s partner did this… massive overreaction on your part and you don’t come across as being very nice if I’m being honest. I understand that your mum died, but that’s nothing to do with your dad’s new partner. She’s making him happy, so it would be best for everyone if you accepted that and her.

I think she's made a really lovely gesture and it comes from a good place.
She clearly makes your Dad happy, I would be welcoming her into the family and grateful your Dad is not living a sad and lonely life.
I understand your grief, I lost my mum and had to accept another woman into my life, it was difficult initially (although I was only a teenager so a lot younger than you).
Eventually we created a beautiful relationship which has lasted many years after my Dad's death.
I'm very grateful she made my Dad happy again after the death of my Mum.

Same situation here. He was an adult when they married so very much sees her as his dad’s wife but part of our family.

She will be a grandmother to our children also (currently expecting). There can never be too many people who love and care for your kids.

Am not in this situation but my husband's father has remarried, he views her as his father's wife, rather than a step mother, but still 'family'

YANBU if you have those feelings and have kept it to yourself and come here to let that out.
YABU if you have let those feelings show to your dad and his partner and created a hostile environment where your dc have felt uncomfortable too.
However I do think 8 years is long enough to have accepted the loss and moved forward (not saying grief ever goes away) but you should be in a better place by now and willing to accept the fact your dad has moved on.
If that isn't the case you must take responsibility for that and resolve these issues before they damage your relationship with your family.

When my dad was alive, my step-mother was an absolute psycho bitch. A literal, abusive psycho. I hated her. Stupidly, dad trusted her for some reason so he stupidly didn't leave a will and just trusted her to sort it out. Needless to say, she stole everything of value, and then proceeded to burn decades of my grandmother's photos, photos from the 40s all the way up until the 90s or so. Decades of memories, all gone, because "it's my religion" (but not my dad's, nor my nan's). May she burn in the hell she belongs in when she dies.

It's always complicated when there's children involved but you are not children and your dad's parenting days are over.
Your dad and mum raised a family and now your dad has a new wife/partner.
You have you're family and own children and I'm sure wouldn't want your dad chipping in with his feelings about your choice of partner so he has no obligation at his age to factor in how his relationship sits with you.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but you have asked if you're being unreasonable and I think you are.

Your father has the right to a partner. You are being selfish. It sounds like she's trying to have a good relationship with you and you are immaturely spurning her because of your grief, which should be resolved by now. I have been exactly where you are and I did the right thing--loved my dad enough to get over myself.

I would suggest grief counseling because that is the true issue.

Well said.

OP, my stepmum is great, and my DF is very lucky to be with her. She is my DCs’ granny - they call her that plus her name.

My Df got together with her about two years after DM died. About ten years later he moved in with her and sold his house. I’m very happy that he has another relationship that makes him so happy.

I appreciate that you are still grieving but your comments are very hostile.

Going from the posts on this thread I don't see what unkind things the OP has actually done.

Oh OP I totally get it, this is such a tricky thing to navigate.

My Mum remarried her partner 2 years ago, my dad died 10 years ago. I find her new husband ok but he irritates me in many ways. Although fundamentally he is a good person.

He once referred to himself as my stepdad, something which I will never see him as. To me he is my Mums husband.

He also set about not only enthusiastically changing things about the house, but complaining about how much there was to get rid of in the process. I found it a bit insensitive.

I have an 18 month old and my Mum really wanted him to be known as Grandad. I struggled a lot with this but I’ve had to let it go. My Mum is happy, they are happy together and life is way too short to hang on to these feelings.

Ah OP. I feel for you. I know your post sounds like you’re being unkind but perhaps you’re still grieving the loss of your mum. I still have my
mum and I love her dearly so I can only imagine how I’d feel if someone else lived in her house with my dad.

life and feelings are rarely straightforward and mumsnet has a habit of going for the jugular.

would it help to offload to someone? Therapist? Your husband/partner? Or even just tell your dad in confidence how you feel? I don’t think how you feel is wrong (as long as you’re not rude to this lady) and hopefully you work through it.

sending hugs 🤗

I would have thought it rather sweet she saw us that way

She invited you all to a BBQ at the home she’s shared with your dad for two years. She clearly cares about you all and is making an effort.

I can understand how raw the loss of your mum feels; it’s not something we just get over, is it? I would struggle to see another woman in what was my mum’s house, however happy I’d be that my dad wasn’t lonely.

She’s extended family. It’s a nice thing she sees you and your adult children in that way - a compliment and indicative of a warm heart. She will never take your mum’s place, but she wants to care about you because she loves your dad.

Don’t let it hurt you, @gardentimeofyear It was coming from a good place, not a callous one.

Woah. There seems to be some deep rooted issues here. For context, my dad's girlfriend lives with him in the house I grew up in with him and my mum - my parents divorced 25 years ago. She sleeps in the same room my mum used to, uses the same bathroom, redid the garden their way etc. I don't have a problem with it - they're adults living their own lives and time moves on. Its different I guess in that my mum isn't dead but I still don't think I'd have an issue with it - people just move on and have a right to live their lives. Do I see her as family? I guess I do, she's just my dads girlfriend. Would I get arsey if she referred to herself as family? No, because she's part of our 'family' - not the initial one no, but part of the one as it stands today. I'm not sure its healthy to feel as strongly about it as you do.

These situations can be very difficult. I remember my stepmum silently moving photos of my mum and us as a family out of the rooms and into storage. Fair enough as it was her partner's ex, but she was my mum (and I lived in the house at the time). Then when my dad passed away the house became my stepmum's home even though I grew up there which felt quite difficult for me. I have never really felt like she was my stepmum but describing her as my dad's wife seems very cold. We get on OK but we've never been close.

If she is your dad's family then she's your family, whether you want her or not and whether you are close or not. Remember she isn't trying to take the place of your mum she is just trying to live her life. While she should be sensitive about your mum, your mum is your dad's previous partner and even if she has passed away that must still feel quite difficult for your stepmum.
While it's valid to not feel hugely warm towards her, I think getting angry about her calling you family is a bit unreasonable. She is probably doing the best she can to integrate without stepping on any toes. She probably cares about you and wants to have a relationship with you, even if that's just being kind to each other or getting on together as though you're friends

You sound really unkind OP. Did you expect your Dad to be alone for the rest of his life?

What are you teaching your own adult children?
If anything happens to you would you want them to learn from you to be hostile to any other woman their dad meets and brings into the family because it's "wrong" or would you prefer it if your husband found happiness and your children accepted someone who could care about them and give them a family unit in your absence?

I get it OP; it’s hard to see my mums new partner in my family home where my memories of my dad are. It helps that the partner is very sensitive to this and doesn’t sit in what was my dads “seat” etc but still I’ve had to detach myself from the memories of it as a childhood home. I think though that your feelings about her have made you see the negative in what was done with the best of intentions and I always try to keep in mind that this is a really hard situation for my mums partner too and that my dad would have wanted my mum to be happy

You're being very nasty about her. I'm nicer than this to the woman who ran off with my husband when my kids were small.