How do you see your dad's partner?

As a 2nd wife who met my now husband as a widow and he was widowed too, yes it's hard losing your mum but life is too short have such negative feeling towards your fathers new partner. I think you need to get some compassion and grow up be the adult and set your children a good example.

Your father's partner is isn't to blame for your mum dying, I bet your mum would have wanted your dad to be happy rather than a life of loneliness on his own or for you to be so hostile

It's probably hard for her and it sounds like she really does act with sensitivity. I lived with my DH in their house surrounded by his first wife's ornaments and choice of furnishings and decor, I made minor adjustments and we decorated and had a new kitchen and I always said to my SDs that I was caring for the house as their mother had, but it was difficult and I was glad to move to another house that we could make ours.

I am the next best thing to my gkids to a granny although they call me by my first name and they know they have a granny who died. I'm not going to make a fuss about whether they call her or me their gran as I know I'm the one who is there for them.

Sometimes we have to make the best of what we have whether they are blood relatives or not

I don't like my Dad's partner but for good reason and years of emotional (and on one occasion physical) abuse from her throughout my childhood.
In your circumstances I would say you are entitled to feel upset as I'm sure you are still grieving your Mum in some ways but also just be thankful that she wants you in her life and is trying to make an effort with you rather than push you out.

Oh ffs no right? This woman is trying to be welcoming and has done nothing wrong. You’d think she wrote a post calling them evil bitches or something, not that she posted with pride that she was happy spending time with them. My uncle got divorced and as soon as we met his new partner, we saw her as family and still do. I guess some people are more welcoming than others.

Her mother died 8 years ago and this woman has been around for a few years. She had no right to assume she is family (she isn't). Doesn't even sound like she's married to the father? I don't think the op is unreasonable for being annoyed. Perhaps you should talk to dad op and let him know that this upsets you.

I think you have answered your own question in the title. You see her as your dads partner.

You don't have to see her as your family but I don't think its wrong that she sees you as such and its nice that you at least acknowledge the fact that she is his partner. I know its difficult to see a parent move on when you are grieving, but he will still be grieving too, he didn't replace your mum with this woman, and he hasn't necessarily "moved on", he has just met someone new and he is entitled to do that. Please has some empathy for your dad and his partner, surely deep down you wouldn't want your dad to be alone and sad for the rest of his life? Be thankful he's met someone nice, she clearly thinks a lot of him if she wants to include you all and it could be a lot worse!!

You sound charming. Not !!!

My mum died 10yrs ago. I would love my dad to meet someone for company

Mainly as when my dh died at 37 I missed him and suddenly living on my own - it was hard. I was lonely. No one to talk laugh cuddle

Dh died 3yrs before my mum so I knew what my dad was going through when mum died

He has never met anyone but he is did. Amazing

This lady sounds lovely. Bene with your dad for a couple of years

Prob hard for her to live in what what your mum and dads home

Memories of them so yes she would change decor to something she likes

If your kids have kids - will she be nanny - doesn't sound like it

Be grateful your dad has met someone who makes HIM happy

You sound hostile and like a teenager who’s being forced to spend time with their new step mum who their dad left the family for.

Giver her a chance.

My second husband lives in my house where my late husband and i lived before he died. He lived here a couple of years before we married.
I would be upset if my family didn't see him as family.
They do though because he makes me happy.
When my mum died i would have been happy for my dad if he'd found someone else. Because I've been there. Having a new partner in no way takes away any memories or love.

Going to go against the grain here, I don't think a woman in her 70s can act like a step mother to a woman in her 50/60s after 2 years of knowing her father especially if you're children are late 20s I think this it's far too late to expect those type of dynamics.
I'd treat her as a friend of your fathers but nothing more. 2 years is barely a partner and so late in your life YNBU I'd feel the same.

You poor thing. You can almost feel the anger and grief in your post op. I can completely understand why you are triggered by this - I think I would be the same - but I don’t actually think anyone is being unreasonable here. I don’t think she’s trying to usurp your dm, she could never do as your dm is irreplaceable. However your family home is now her home and your dad has the right to move on and you do need to work towards getting used to that.

It seems as though she means well and she wants to be ‘family’ of some description. That’s far better than her keeping you all at arms length and trying to alienate you all from your df. Also, I know it’s difficult, but it’s not unreasonable of her to want to put her own stamp on what is now her home. She likely has no idea of your dm’s preferences and to be blunt, she shouldn’t have to consider them. Would you feel better if your df had decided to sell the house and move into a new home with his dp? Or would you prefer it if he was lonely and miserable? My dm never moved on and I worried about her terribly when she got older. She was pretty self-sufficient but I wish she’d have met someone who made her happy. What I’m trying to say is this could all be far worse.

She will never be your dm or your dc’s gm but she can still play a role in your life. No one is expecting you to accept her as a new parent, but I think it’s worth getting to the root of why you are still so upset by this after 8 years, maybe via counselling. And please try and remember that none of this is your dad’s or his partner’s fault (obviously it’s not yours either). It’s an awful situation for you and I hope you can try and move past these feelings.

Families? You mean vile husbands?! This is awful

Wow, that’s horrible, absolutely horrible. What a pig.

I don’t see my dad’s partner as family, and I don’t really like her either, I didn’t before she got with him and still don’t. And the way she crawls after him knocks me sick to be honest. She treats him like some type of god. Does everything for him. He’s perfectly capable. But on the other hand I’m happy he’s happy.

but if she posted that, I’d honestly not bother, I’d think it was a sweet gesture , she was making an effort, but no more than that. I’d certainly not be angry.

I don't see my Mums partner as family, but that's probably because I'm in my late 50s and they've only been together 3 years. If he posted on FB and referred to me and DH as family though, I wouldn't have a problem.

It sounds as though you're very resentful of this woman and see her as trying to replace your mother. I'm sure that's not what she's trying to do.

I think it's lovely that she thinks of you as her family. We have done everything we can to welcome FILs new (8 years now) partner into the family, we include her in everything, buy her birthday and Christmas presents etc but she keeps us very much at arms length. It makes things really awkward at times.

Bit different but my husband's sister has married a man with 2 small children and his mum calls them her Grandchildren which makes my husband livid and he always corrects her and says they're not.

He sounds like a twat. His mum sounds like an angel.

You don’t sound very nice. It doesn’t sound like your dad moved on unreasonably quickly either and shes perfectly entitled to make changes to her home. She clearly sees you as family and why not?

I see my Dad's wife as my step mum, and one of my DCs Grandmothers.

@bluelagooner your DH needs to grow up! My step mum refers to my DC as her Grandchildren, they are the eldest, whilst also recognising that her own DDs child is her 'first' DGC. We all know what she means and no one is bothered.

@gardentimeofyear it must be hard to see your das move on. But isn't it better that he's happy? I think her referring to you as family is lovely. My own DCs step Mum has made it clear that they aren't family. There are no pictures of my dc in their house. They go on "family holidays" and tell DC they aren't invited because it's a family holiday. She's a bitch. And my ex is a spineless cunt.

My Dad died in his early 50s. My mum died about 20 years later having never had another romantic partner. I believe she was very lonely but she wasn’t interested in meeting anyone else for many reasons (I think she would have found it hard to trust someone & was concerned they would remove her Independent financial security). I am not saying it is easy for your parent to find a new partner and have them in your life but the alternative is also really hard. I am sure this lady isn’t trying to replace your mum but as she loves your Dad she wants to build a relationship with you. I would see her as part of your family over time.

Wonderful example of human kindness, I can see exactly why you picked him to procreate with and I'm sure he'll make an amazing roll model to his mini him.

My DF has been married twice since my mum died (both ended in divorce). Didn’t particularly like either of them but still referred to them at my stepmum and generally referred to them and their adult children as “family”….. as I felt they were, by marriage though nothing else.

So she is being blackmailed not to acknowledge she's a step grandma otherwise she will not be allowed a relationship with her "real" grandchildren?
Your husband sounds like a jealous little boy who wanted to give mummy her first Grandchild and is throwing his toys around because he doesn't want to share her attention.

Other issues aside, I don't think she should have been posting photos of you and your children on social media without your consent, perhaps then this specific issue wouldn't have arisen.

as the gold digger floozy she really is

Your husband sounds like a totally spoilt, mean spirited arsehole.