How do you see your dad's partner?

My step dad entered my life when I was 18 so I don't see him as a father figure as I was too old really for that; but I immediately accepted him as family because it would have been cruel not to.

My DF died suddenly when i was young and it still breaks my heart when I think back to the grief my DM felt when overnight she became a widow and solo parent.

Perhaps this is uncharitable of me, but I do find it self indulgent when people who have lost parents as adults can't find it in themselves to show compassion and support to their widowed parent. If I could do that as a bereaved child then why can't you?

You're being desperately cruel to her and your poor dad. He lost his wife just as much as you lost your mum.

You'd probably benefit from counselling. Please don't make her feel like this. I think it's on the verge of bullying.

It’s quite simple that she views you as family because your dad is her family.
Whilst i agree it’s difficult when you’re still grieving your mother you really should give yourself a grown up adult shake and remember she’s not trying to take your mums place, she’s likely nervous about stepping on toes. In the kindest way possible, try and be mature about it, your OP sounds incredibly childish.

The op isn't interfering with her dads life. If anything it's the other way around.

@CandiedPrincess YOU replied to me, I was speaking to someone else. It's completely unreasonable for you to expect me to know about your personal life when you are a stranger from the interwebs and even if I did I would stand by my opinion. If you can't or won't reply to the actual content of my previous post then it's best we leave this here. Have a nice evening friend 👍🏽

You are getting a bashing on here op , unfairly imo. I lost my mum 4 years ago and my dad has been nothing but selfish and disrespectful in his decisions since.
Your dads partner does sound like she cares about you but I can understand how triggering comments can be , even if they are meant well. X

When your mum dies, and someone ventures into what would’ve been her turf, it’s tough. I have a widowed dad, and he has a long term partner.

My dad has referred to her as my DC’s GM, but she’s not, and I’ve told him that. This is not only undermining my mum, but also my MIL. I think it’s disrespectful, and I won’t have anyone disrespecting my dead mum. Also, whilst my MIL is not my favourite person, she is a lovely GM and she cherishes her GM status and I won’t disrespect her either.

My Dad’s partner is just that, <name> my dad’s partner.

Does she have any DC herself or DGC? Maybe she’s just trying to be nice. However, I’d be referring to her by her name, and have my DC do the same, and if anyone started referring to her as GM I’d put them straight.

You can’t compare it to getting a SIL or MIL. It’s not a natural order of things. I absolutely hate having a step mum figure. I’m an adult and I don’t want an older woman, of no relation to me (as far as I am concerned my MIL is my relation now) sticking her oar in with me and my dad.

My dad's partner is a horrible, controlling, narcissistic bitch. So that's how I see her.

I wish every day that she would win the lottery and fuck off with another man, or get run over by a bus. Anything to get her out of our lives because my dad cannot/will not leave her and she's come between what was once a really close knit family.

I know that's not what you asked but that was cathartic to type out!

How would you feel if one of your grown up daughters had a partner whose family refused to accept them as part of the family?

My mum also died young. My dad has a partner and they’ve recently got engaged.

I like her, I see her in a similar role to my mother in law.

my kids call her by name not nanny etc but I’m so pleased she loves them and they love her. She doesn’t replace my mum one bit but she’s kind to my kids and extra love is always welcome

Ffs it's been 8 friggin years! You're a middle aged woman with grown up kids.
Leave dad to get on with his life.

Agree, you've been lucky enough to be brought up by both your parents and now your dad is doing what he will with this chapter of his life you can choose to be happy for him or not but it's not about you.
I'm sorry you lost your mum and seem to be struggling to deal with your own grief.

@sunflowrsngunpowdr Stop talking to me like someone who hasn't lost their mum. I am perfectly aware.

Sounds like she is trying to show you how she feels to me x

Really? She's making an effort to do something nice for her DP, your Dad, who you presumably care about.

I can't stand my ILs but they're DH's family and therefore my family and I try for his sake.

@CandiedPrincess So it's perfectly normal to miss your mum after 8 months or 8 years or 18 years or 50 years ... so this OP is normal for feeling like she is struggling accepting this new woman (who she's known for a few years) in to her life and having her lay claim to her and her kids as family. It doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. She obviously holds her feelings back pretty well if the dads partner can post pics of her and call her 'family'. So this OP has done nothing wrong and is only feeling a natural normal reaction to seeing woman move in to her deceased mother's place and then be overly familiar with her when that familiarity hasn't been earned. OP- what you are feeling is normal so don't beat yourself up. This woman might the nicest person on earth but she isn't your mum and she isn't your family and its okay
to acknowledge that and to feel uncomfortable with being presented to the world as a family unit.

@sunflowrsngunpowdr You may never stop missing her but life goes on and people move on, as they should.

My dad's been with his now wife 11 years and I've seen her as family since she lived with him. She makes my dad happy and cares for us as we do her. She's an amazing gran to my children and we all consider her as family, me as my stepmum and the kids as their grandparent.

Of course two years is a partner and also that’s the amount of time they have been living together not their total relationship. Loads of people get married and/or have kids before they’ve known each other two years.

When it an acceptable time to get over your mother's death and stop missing her?

But she's not really. She just referred to them as family which is perfectly acceptable in this circumstance.

Yeah @sunflowrsngunpowdr EIGHT years ago. I'd understand it if it has been eight weeks.

Stop being hostile.You have nothing to moan about, it could be alot worse.

My step-mum does this and I think it's lovely that she doesn't distinguish between my dad's grandkids and her grandkids. I do think it comes from a place of kindness.

@Feelsodrained but this isn't about you and your uncle or about anyone else on here. This is about how the OP feels and she can feel whatever she wants. She didn't come on here and write that her dad's partner is an evil witch ... she didn't write anything hateful at all. She simply said that she isn't comfortable with this women who is a recent addition to her fathers life posting pictures of her and her kids and referring to them as family. Why should she be 'grateful' for this woman being nice to her? This woman is her dads partner in later life: she didn't raise her, she didn't know her all her life, they never lived together and to be honest at 76 you would think she would have enough wisdom to realise that being a newcomer in to her partners family might be sensitive to his children who lost their mother not too long ago and maybe she shouldn't be posting 'family' pics until she has made the effort to build a relationship with them. This op at the very least deserves some sympathy but she's getting blasted by angry people projecting their own shit on to her.