What about me, makes me the family scapegoat?

I think in my case,it's because I can see them for what they are

And they don't like it,am fearful I can (and would) expose them for what they are and they are shit scared of the power I have

They want to be me but they can't so they attack me instead

I went nc with them-and every single one have come snivelling back to me at one point or another

They don't want me,they want their punchbag back but I refuse to play that game

I would have nothing to do with them tbh. I've cut ties with toxic family members and I don't regret it for a minute. You deserve better than this. I know it's different with your daughter but call her out every time she's rude - hang up on her if you have to. I really wish you all the best - you don't need people like this in your life

If a dh tells a sister where to go there’s more of a chance he’s the one who’ll get it later, whether from the family or his brand new wife. I don’t think it’s the time to be turning op against her dh given how her family act!!!!!

Do you ever stand your own ground? If someone talked to me or about me kike that, they’d be out on the street and probably licking a few proverbial wounds. They do this and get away with because you do not challenge them. Your question is the wrong one. Why they do this is because they can. Do not let them and tell them exactly what they are and what they need to hear. Don’t let them walk over you and ask why it’s the easiest way for them to go.

The explanation is simple - your family are nutters. Why are you even still in contact with them.

Move to the other side of the country and leave no forwarding address <only half joking>

I very much doubt it is you. Scapegoating is usually a generational thing, the parent who has issues will target one of the children and make them the scapegoat, making everyone else in the family think they are not the problem but the scapegoated child is. Rest of the family go along with it either fear of the person, fear they will be scapegoated or because they have been manipulated into respecting/wanting to impress the parent who instigated it. It will be ingrained in your sister to act this way now and tbh I think it's unlikely she will change.

Sorry you've been through this, I've seen it in other families and it's awful :(

Your sister is monstrous. You've had the misfortune of growing up in a highly dysfunctional family sadly. Your mum and or dad will likely be narcissistic and would have developed that from their own childhood. Your troubles and lack of confidence are all from that. It's nothing to do with you and the wonderful person you are inside.
There are many great books and videos online that can help you understand.
I'd make sure your husband is firmly told, with confidence, that you are not your family. That sister would be permanently distanced from my life. I've had to do the same with a highly abusive sociopath brother.

It’s not your fault but nasty people will seek to dominate those they perceive as weaker. If you are quiet, don’t assert yourself or set boundaries, don’t stand up for yourself or speak up when you disagree, try and keep the peace rather than cause an argument, then certain people will take that as weakness and something for them to exploit.

Your sister is vile OP. Some people change when they get older, but your sister is damaged and will never do so. The rot began when you were kids - what mother doesn't protect her child from being assaulted both physically and emotionally? Where was your dad in all this? I know you said that you keep in touch with him now, but sounds like he was emotionally absent when you were growing up. did he just bury his head in the sand and pretend that this was normal sister rivalry?

This. Especially your daughter. Who does she think she is. She's an adult now, no excuse for this. Disgusting the lot of them. Stop being a punchbag by not allowing them any more access to you. You have your dh so leave the rest of them to it.

This is awful, it has to stop. I would tell them enough is enough they've bullied you for far too long and until they change and show you respect not to contact you and stay away. I know it's daunting but you can do it and it will liberate you.
You deserve kindness especially from family. I've cut toxic family from my life they have no place there. It's up to you if you want to cut them out and noone would blame you.

@Sofabodatgym such a relatable post. Excellent advice/ analysis!

What is it about groups of women? I'm exactly the same - no problem in telling random strangers to f off when they overstep, but a group of women being mean, I turn to jelly. I guess it stems from the two protagonists in my family story - narcissistic mum and malignant narcissistic sister who threatened me from an early age with violence and then went on to successfully oust me from the entire family through lies and intimidation. No one ever saw the abuse from sister - she'd always do it when we were alone or cleverly, when others had their backs turned she'd sneer, or hiss at me that I wasn't welcome . I like your method of shining a light on it - so much abusive behaviour happens under cover and then people doubt your judgement, preferring to keep with the status quo that your the problem or too sensitive etc.

Oh I can relate, i was always blamed for this and that then one day I stood up for myself and it started with my evil auntie who was absolutely horrible and tried accusing me of things just through pure jealousy. Some people are just strange don't question yourself and hopefully one day youll tell them all to eff off. It's liberating. Don't let anyone bully you

Another scapegoat here.

I'm so sorry about how your family has treated you. It may sound odd but at least when your sister says something utterly vile, then it's out in the open. I think when it's all invisible but you know you're being treated like shit, it's somehow worse as it's harder to describe/stop.

I've only really got engaged with boundaries the last few years, after lots of therapy. It's easy for me to say no/get away if someone is rude on a bus but if a group of women scapegoat me, then I've had a lot of practice in sucking it up, being their scapegoat. I think getting comfortable with being disliked is quite key, it's a practice. There's this parent in my life who treats me like my family used to (I also got ghosted - in my case by siblings) ie like utter crap, and due to kids I can't get her out of my life so I have to get used to upsetting her and saying no, having tried to please for years. And also just being straight-forward. So much of scapegoating is invisible to others. Whereas I wish I'd just said openly in the past stuff like 'you're all just talking about going for cocktails later in front of me, whilst not inviting me, I'm off' It's not asking anyone for anything, but it's putting it out there what is happening. Obv hard to do, think clearly in real time and sadly that never got said, so behaviour continued.

Anyway, that's my stuff. It sounds like you're really engaging with it, so your sister's days are numbered. All the best x

Honestly, it doesn’t come across as a ‘woe is me’ thing at all. You sound lovely and I really hope you do find a happier future.

Your sister bullies you because your parents did and your adult daughter bullies you because she’s grown up watching the rest of your family bully you. (Is your husband your daughter’s dad? If he is, he needs to have a stern word with her. If he’s not, what was her dad like? Did he bully you as well?)

Basically, you are a nice person and your family are not. You are the better person here. I would be inclined to tell the whole lot of them to piss off.

It's good that your husband is aware and had got your back. In these family dynamics, it's so important that you present a United front - together you're stronger.

Look for I'm OK, You're OK by Thomas Harris, and Games People Play by Eric Berne. They explain the drama triangle in plain English.
Insecure people only feel comfortable when they are in a pair, with a third person to take the blame or act as scapegoat. There are 3 positions; the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. As long as everyone plays their role, there's no end to it.