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Original poster

Friends child and gender change!

370 replies

Namechangeforthis44 · 03/06/2024 08:49

Don't know if this is the right place to post, but just need some input.
Meeting up with a friend soon, whose child has changed gender. I have no issues with that, live and let live.
BUT
Friend has indicated that we not reminisce about kids childhood as this will trigger her child.
As we have moved away, we only see them every few years, so the one thing we do chat about is their childhood memories.
I think it's unreasonable to tell my kids we can't talk about their memories while we meet up with them.
How do I tackle this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeforthis44 · 03/06/2024 09:10

It's not about one traumatic experience or a unenjoyable vacation, which I would happily comply with. It's about years and years of shared experiences. They are teens now BTW.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 03/06/2024 09:09

I would try to find common ground now, in the present. You can't erase your past, but i think it's up to each individual to decide how much or little they want to think and talk about it regardless of gender change.

Revelatio · 03/06/2024 09:06

Namechangeforthis44 · 03/06/2024 09:04

Obviously we talk about more topics than 'the past'. I think I'm a little perturbed by her asking us not to bring up her childs original name or gender, so it's best if we don't talk about our shared memories.

But why would you bring it up? That seems like a weird thing to bring up anyway. I don’t talk about any of my friends name changes or what gender they are, what an odd thing to talk about in normal conversation.

Marblessolveeverything · 03/06/2024 09:06

WomensRightsRenegade · 03/06/2024 09:00

Maybe she doesn’t want to be told what she can and can’t talk about?

Show quote history

If the request was to not discuss a person who passed would you say the same?

I would assume most adults don't want to upset a child and would gladly comply simply because they aren't rude.🤷‍♀️

Revelatio · 03/06/2024 09:05

Why would you spend all your time talking about the past? When I see friends I talk about what they’ve been up to, and general chit chat.

It’s not that difficult not to talk about the past. If you were a friend you’d listen to her and respect her wishes.

Why does your need to talk about the past trump hers? There are so many things you can talk about that won’t upset anyone.

If for example I had a traumatic time on a holiday as asked my friends if they would refrain from speaking about that holiday when I’m about, I would hope they would respect my wishes.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 03/06/2024 09:05

How old are the kids?

Original poster
Namechangeforthis44 · 03/06/2024 09:04

Obviously we talk about more topics than 'the past'. I think I'm a little perturbed by her asking us not to bring up her childs original name or gender, so it's best if we don't talk about our shared memories.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 03/06/2024 09:03

This is not a friend. Dictating what you can and cannot talk about in terms of your own lived experience is appalling denial of reality. It's controlling authoritarianism.

It is important to talk about stuff like this. The second you have to walk on eggshells and avoid certain topics your friendship is ultimately doomed in the long run.

Ditch them. Find new friends you can build memories with rather than allow them to trash and erase the ones you have.

ManilowBarry · 03/06/2024 09:03

I would not tell my children not to talk about the past. That's outrageous!

They can choose to erase their past but I certainly would not be wanting my children to pander to such a ludicrous notion.

Flickersy · 03/06/2024 09:03

WomensRightsRenegade · 03/06/2024 09:00

Maybe she doesn’t want to be told what she can and can’t talk about?

Show quote history

You can't force someone to talk about a topic they don't want to. Friend has said she doesn't want to talk about it. You'd have to be a real dick to deliberately bring it up.

I asked friends not to talk about it when my dad died because I found it upsetting. If any of them had come to me and said "how dare you tell me what I can and can't talk about" I'd think them a twat of the first order.

GabriellaMontez · 03/06/2024 09:01

You say "I can't guarantee what the children will talk about when they get together. But I'll tell them it may be sensitive. "

And if that's not good enough for her, don't go.

WomensRightsRenegade · 03/06/2024 09:00

Marblessolveeverything · 03/06/2024 08:58

Why on earth can you not talk about the present and future. You have been advised why?

Your children will probably do that automatically it is adults who are always down memory lane.

Maybe she doesn’t want to be told what she can and can’t talk about?

WomensRightsRenegade · 03/06/2024 09:00

What does ‘changed gender’ even mean? Abject nonsense. And compelling other people to change the way they speak about their own experiences to accommodate it is even greater nonsense.

Josette77 · 03/06/2024 09:00

I think you'll find it easier than you'd think to avoid.

You're catching up. There should be lots of things to talk about!

ButterCrackers · 03/06/2024 09:00

Talk about what you want. If their child can’t cope with talking about childhood then they need psychiatric help. Rethink this friendship.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/06/2024 08:59

Guessing the child is at least teens just talk about what any other teens would talk about

Marblessolveeverything · 03/06/2024 08:58

Why on earth can you not talk about the present and future. You have been advised why?

Your children will probably do that automatically it is adults who are always down memory lane.

Flickersy · 03/06/2024 08:57

Friend has asked for the topic not to be broached. Presuming these are people you care about I would respect it. Even if I did find it odd.

Other topics of conversation are available.

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 03/06/2024 08:57

That is a bit tricky OP. How old are all the childen involved?

Dancingontheedge · 03/06/2024 08:55

You only talk about the past?
How odd, most people would catch up on all the stuff that’s gone on since you last met. If your children are teens or older, they are more likely to understand how to avoid a sensitive topic if they want to #bekind.

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