Friendship group split unexpectedly wwyd?

They’re twats.

I’ve been on plenty of threads when people have basically been dumped because of illness they or their family member has had or bereavement.

DH was unwell a few years ago and we lost people. The worst are the ‘let me know what I can do to help’ (especially publicly) and then disappear. It’s like they think it’s catching.

Fair weather friends. It’s classic narc behaviour to act like you’ve done something dreadful, when in fact, you didn’t do anything. Life happens, people are late. They are framing you as the bad person now and you can’t get away from that. I’d step away.

WWYD?

I'd have grabbed my gift back off the birthday hag, and walked out.

I'd keep in touch with those who had your back, and never speak to those nasty bitches again.

You did not deserve to be attacked and humiliated like that. You did nothing wrong. They are not good people.

All the best x

Hugs to you OP 💐. I hope you are feeling better and your DH is okay. Unfortunately, in situations like this regardless of whether they knew about your news or otherwise they have shown their true colours. I am not surprised you are upset but I would give them a wide berth for now and see if they realise and apologise. Good luck OP.

I do think some friends just don’t or can’t or won’t help if people have real worries/dramas in their lives.

I am not saying they’re right but some people don’t handle bad news and are able to give support well (they may do it from a distance). Maybe it’s because they’ve had to deal with similar themselves and find it painful to watch a friend going through similar, maybe as a child with a parent.

In OP’s case it’s more cruelty and backstabbing bitchiness done by more than one person. And justified to themselves wrongly that they’re right.

It’s never nice when people you think are friends (close or best) really aren’t and don’t listen to your side of the story and then attack (I had this from an ex best friend). It’s just not nice when people you think were nice don’t think of you when you’re ill/bereaved/divorced etc input other scenarios if necessary.

Your DH is right forget them.

Hopefully the one friend who stuck up for you will have a go at them when she sees them next.

I do think some people their heads are so far up their own arses they can’t see others pain. The woman I posted about earlier yes she could be sympathetic if you’d had bad things happen as she’d had a lot herself but it did come across as a bit insincere.

God I felt stressed and upset just reading your op. Thats awful. Really awful. Sounds like they worked themselves up into a drunken frenzy of righteous indignation then you walked right into that.

Strictly mad sorry to hear you’ve had a very difficult time with your sons illness and friends. Isn’t it unfortunate that you probably quite rightly had to qualify’before I get bashed for this’ one should feel absolutely justified to expect at least an sms from friends even if people all react differently/find these things difficult. OP rest assured the way this friend has treated you will be exactly how she treats her other friends in the future. What looks like loyalty (her group) is often a fear of being ousted/rejected. It’s a kick in the teeth like you said but wow it says tons about you (prioritising your children, polite, kind, sensitive) and says even more abt her. Snuggle down and be grateful you’re not spending more years investing in sinking sand. It’s shocking and echos school girl behaviour and boggles the mind and hurts like hell but sing a happy tune. Seriously.

Ditch them op. They aren't friends. Can't believe the birthday friend got her nickers in a twist over you not making the drinks. Inmature drama queen. I hate this mentally. You made an effort with dinner and with everything going on with your DH you could of cancelled the night out all together. You don't need them. You need people in your life that have your back, make you happy and supportive.

They sound awful!

@Summerdays24

I have read all your responses (and unless you are being optimistic about your timekeeping), them distancing due to illness is the most likely scenario.

When my brother had cancer, one of my very close friends dropped me. It didn't matter how much everyone else was supportive it floored me, some people haven't got the emotional bandwidth to manage someone else's pain and some just don't want you to bring a cloud into their lives.

Ditch them all (maybe keep in touch with the one who checked in). With 'friends' like these, who needs enemies.

I had to ditch some friends a few years back in similar circumstances. Never looked back.

I think with some of the responses I'd guess they are on here.

To reduce a guest to tears makes her a woeful host.

And the focus on you missing her drinks seems like a gross over reaction- which makes no sense to me.

I'd find her behaviour hard to come back from- and like many others, would steer clear of her and the others who took part.

You've behaved with such dignity, I hope that you're taking the time to be proud of yourself. It never ceases to surprise me how shitty so-called friends can be but some people just don't have the time for other people's "problems". They're the sort who will say on Facebook or similar "If there's anything I can do let me know ..." or "I'm here if you need someone" and then when you need them? Nada.

I'm currently very ill. I'm hoping to get decent news from a consultant next week but have no idea what the news will be given that other stuff has happened since the first horrid diagnosis. I've seen who my friends are. Mostly they're the people I would have expected - which is a huge phew - a handful who have stepped up when I wouldn't have expected it, and a lot who thankfully aren't as shitty as birthday girl and her worthless friends, who are just not there. My way of dealing with it? I made the decision to focus on the people who are there for me and ignore the ones who aren't.

I'm sure that you have people who are definitely there for you, like your lovely sister-in-law (I think?) Focus on them because they're worth focusing on. The others? They're just some people you know who aren't as nice or decent as you thought they were. That's as much thought as they're worth. I hope that things are as good as they possibly can be for you and your lovely husband. I'm so sorry that you have all of this to cope with. It's horrible, unfair and just utterly shit. Take care and remember to only focus on those who bring something positive into your life and continue to be the person who does just the same. x

Gosh I'd have turned on my heels taking the present with me.
The absolute biatches. They aren't friends.

This thread shows that some women never actually grow up and leave school, it's really pathetic. OP take care of yourself, have a glass of wine and a hot bath and try to forget the nasty fuckers....

My social circle is now non existent after my Dad died of cancer and I was managing his care. It was a very upsetting wake up call as to who cared and who didn't....

Just surround yourself by good people. Life is far too short for shallow and superificial people

If this were Motherland, Birthday Girl would be Amanda and the rest of them, Annes.

Sorry @Summerdays24 they sound awful and you deserve so much better

As someone who has been there, losing a friendship group for spurious reasons, I just want to let you know there is life after. With the benefit of hindsight, groups like that can be quite toxic. I hadn't realised how much effort I was putting in to keep people happy. The friends I have now don't feel like hard work. They understand I have difficulties in my life and can't always put the effort in, but they keep inviting me anyway and checking on me. That's how friends should be. Not demanding a required amount of effort.

It hurts like hell when you go through it, but here's to healthier friendships in your future.

Birthday "friend" was having a spoiled brat moment and took it out on you.
And/or
Further upthread a pp said they were preparing to oust you hlahead of yr DH's illness, that's awful and I wouldn't have believed it but it's made me realise this happened to me, ditched when dh got made redundant when we had v small dc and I was pg, we thought we were gonna lost the house etc, friend ran a mile.

Sorry that you had to go through that, it doesn’t sound like a nice experience at all! 🌺 It sounds to me like these people are not your real friends and it is clear from your post that some of them don’t have any respect for you. If you were a loud, strong character do you think they would have embarrassed you like that in public over a few missed drinks? They knew they could get away with talking to you like that. Unfortunately nice (and often quiet) people can be treated badly. I would rethink the friendship and put your energy into finding nice people to be friends with.

I have asked the friend I am closest to about it, apparently birthday friend was fuming because her dh disappointed her earlier in the day and she was already in a bad mood at the drinks. I don’t feel I can compromise my friend further by asking her what I should do re: the group, but she did say she herself saw them in a new light.

Well that's nothing compared to what you and your family are going through. She should be grateful that her husband is healthy and will have a normal lifespan.

They are selfish and uncaring. Frankly she should be grateful you managed to come to the dinner and get her a present. It's a lot to ask someone post op.

Stick with the ones who aren't arseholes and let the others go.

I’d actually leave the WA group and keep your individual chats with the nice ones. You’ll be tempted to dip into it even if it’s muted and just get upset again. Message the nice ones separately before you leave the WA group to say you have no issue with them and would love to stay in touch but you’re still just really upset by the behaviour of the others and this group dynamic is not what you need right now.

They sound like mean dicks frankly. Who makes drama about someone not making it to drinks? Ditch them

Good for you for messaging that you were upset and not just letting her and the mean girls around her off the hook. You still made the effort to turn up, she should realise the world doesn’t revolve around her.

find adults who need a huge fuss made of them on their birthday quite tiring and given what your friend said about her being disappointed by her husband (presumably not making enough of a fuss) I wouldn’t even take it too personally. Step away or at least keep her and the ones who ganged up on you at arm’s length.